


six degrees of separation

by tehmoonlight



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, THEY'RE ALL ENGLISH, also, and sad, angsty, chapter titles are songs, i am so new to this, idk what i am doing, in progress of learning, jeongin gets someone, oh boy, read if you wish, sorry - Freeform, sorry for mistakes, tags will change when i figure this out, yet somewhat soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-08-28 13:46:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 68,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16724535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tehmoonlight/pseuds/tehmoonlight
Summary: isolation. that was what happened often with kim seungmin after the downfalls in his life played out.his life was hectic; no one really knew what he went through, he was always hesitant to tell even if he had others around him, he hid his feelings because he did not want to make things complicated.watch as that slowly became unraveled after he meets people who care deeply about him; they teach him that it is okay to show emotions and have others around, not experiencing things by himself but with others so his life can turn out for the better.along the way he grows a liking towards one of his friends. will they be able to reciprocate seungmin's feelings if they are revealed? will they leave him in the dust to deal with heartbreak? will a happy ending come after everything's been done? will seungmin even tell them? will he take the risk of what could possibly be the end of everything they built as friends?time to find out.[was originally "it's just me...?" but this new title fits more, read the author's note on the first chapter(?) to see why]





	1. welcome to my life

**Author's Note:**

> so basically i had planned to write another fanfic following the story line of a small chunk of the song but realized it kind of fit here so here it is. if you're wondering, the song is "six degrees of separation" by the script.  
> 1\. the broken heart of a person  
> 2\. the broken heart killing the person  
> 3\. the person's world splitting down the middle  
> 4\. the person thinking they've fixed themselves  
> 5\. the person seeing the person they like/love with someone else  
> 6\. the person admits they've fucked up a little (a lot)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a group of boys slowly find their ways to another, starting off as children and growing up with another as a later result. relationships and feelings are to be discovered but they still feel as if they're family, nothing can break that bond they all share. they remain strong as ever because they see beyond the situation and try to understand another because misunderstandings are the main cause of most downfalls. they all come together as one to support another no matter what. no hard feelings are gained— well hopefully and well... some grudges may be held but they pass by just like any storm there ever was; in all honesty, there will always be conflict, nothing is perfect, the boys are well aware of this— it is one of the reasons why they are always pulled back to one another after everything. seems ideal right? well, why not have a look of what actually happened through their eyes, mainly through someone named kim seungmin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! welcome to a beginner's story? or well- yeah. i hope you guys can still enjoy because i really just wanted to write something since stray kids has been taking over my life lately. i just thought it would be interesting to put something out rather than just read and wait around like i normally do. thank you for taking your time to read this, even if it may be horrible.  
> also! my chapters are titled after songs! the song for this chapter is "welcome to my life" by simple plan!

"we wouldn't be in this fucking mess if it weren't for your lazy ass sitting around at home and then going out later to drink! do you even care for your family? is alcohol really more important than us?!"

"would you quit yelling at me? it's not like you cared about the family either way, it's more just you! i was just having a social life with my friends! sometimes just spending time with you is suffocating, you always end up yelling at me!"

"oh really- the nerve you have! i work my ass off to support this family, if you find me suffocating why don't we just file a divorce?"

 _they're at it again. why do they always have to argue?_ it makes him sad when the fight. _can't they be a happy family like they were before?_ here sat kim seungmin at the age of ten, in the corner of his room covering his ears as loud voices boom from outside his room, whimpering softly as tears unconsciously slipped from his innocent young eyes. he didn't understand it, he never did. he thought his family was fine with another until his father, youngman, with his alcoholic ways made an appearance and his mother, sohae, with her temper was always on edge with him. he desired peace, quiet, a loving environment — anything to make him feel at ease. he stared out in the pitch black pigment that covered the sky above all and let the tears continuously fall. he felt so small, so drained at such a young age — a golden age where he could be naive and enjoy life, until it got harsh in the future, but, somehow, that all seemed to be stripped from him. he wanted to blame his parents but deep within his ten year old soul he could not do such a thing because they were his parents, the ones who brought him to life (even if everything they do nowadays pained him).

no one would have expected it; no one saw through seungmin's guard. despite being ten, seungmin was very reserved. kim seungmin was always a child that looked happy to the eyes of many, with small and shy smiles presented on his face so no one would question him if he showed any hint of sadness — _heck_ , no one really paid attention to him so it wasn't his hardest task. if he were honest, he'd rather not have the attention anyways, it'd be a waste because there was nothing that was special about him compared to others; he would always overhear parents boasting about their children to another whenever they met up, whereas his parents never really mentioned anything because they were rarely seen — he felt like he embarrassed them since there was really nothing he was doing that was considered to be talented besides singing, and he would not dare present his singing abilities because he didn't find himself to be as good as others he heard and compared himself to — they were always somewhere else and very occupied. however, his parents did wish for him to study well (he did, even if he was only ten) and did not mind him much unless there were calls home about his behavior (which never really occurred, only calls home due to health concerns were made). In his mind, it played out that all his parents really cared about was his academics; he was the top of his class _so far_ and planned to keep his spot anyways _._ he tried not to show his pain, his sadness, from everything at home, when he went to school. kim seungmin did not want pity, he would not find genuine friends that way, and so, he was always a cautious child when around people, but he found people that he wants to stay in his life.

 

~~~~

 

here comes the story of how seungmin met jisung and felix.

funnily enough, even if seungmin was cautious of others, han jisung and lee felix (technically he was lee yongbok but the said boy liked his english name, felix, more) made it their goal to befriend the reserved boy who seemed nothing but sweet when they saw him and hesitant whenever anyone spoke to him. they saw a repeated process with the boy every since the beginning of school, which was two weeks ago, mid august. jisung and felix were friends way before they met seungmin — that is due to their families being associated with another long before they were conceived — and naturally, being the pure children they were, when they constantly saw the boy alone during lunch, they wanted to accompany him. their first encounter with one another was a _memorable_ one: jisung ended up tripping on his own feet as they neared seungmin, who was playing around with his food, not noticing their presence until jisung and felix came crashing into the chairs in front of him. apparently, felix was in front of jisung, eagerly walking to seungmin to befriend him — felix was _slightly_ tried of seeing jisung all the time but the lad did not need to know such a thing — only to have jisung collide into him, making a big fool out of themselves as seungmin stared at them frightened by their sudden appearance. felix grimaced a little while jisung sheepishly shot him an apologetic smile, introducing himself and felix to seungmin in an energetic way. seungmin's eyes quivered and stuttered a response to them, their interaction going smoothly.

"hi there! i am han jisung and this is lee yong- excuse me felix. we often see you alone at lunch and would like to befriend you! we're in your classroom as well! you can't hide from us even if you wanted to!" jisung chirped at seungmin, with felix hitting his arm gently, almost letting his korean name be said and being slightly rude with his wording. felix let out a small puff of air, showing his irritation towards jisung — like his glare wasn't enough.

"h-hi. i'm s-seungmin." seungmin chose not to say much in case they were to change their minds in the next minute after seeing he was nothing like they expected. in all honesty, seungmin didn't like talking much; he knew when to talk and that's all that matters.

the first things that popped up into seungmin's mind was: _what are these buffoons doing here in front of him? of all students they came to me. they could do so much better than me, a kid that is better off alone so no disappointment can come._ seungmin zoned out a little until he came into his senses and reply to the two boys in front of him, still unsure of what to do since most people avoided him. the two boys beamed at him and went on talking to one another like they normally would, not noticing the strange look seungmin was giving them as he silently listened to them.

"jisung, you've just embarrassed the both of us in front of seungmin! i know we mess around with another a lot but did you really have to go to that extent and make us look bad?" felix let out a small sigh and shook his head disapprovingly at jisung, eyes slightly playful with accusing the other just to mess with him — felix always thought that jisung's reactions were worthwhile of seeing.

"felix, i am telling you the truth! i tripped on my legs coming here with you. i swear i didn't intend anything! do you actually think i would ruin your first impression on purpose? who do you think i am? i am older than you, you don't have the right to nag me like this!" jisung whined, not exactly proving that he was older of the two. he had just dramatically reasoned in his defense and there was a pout on his face as he turned his head to seungmin exclaiming, "seungmin! you saw everything right? why don't you tell felix what you saw! please back me up here, i beg of you! save my soul, seungminnie!"

seungmin didn't necessarily reply, he just stared at jisung like he had two heads and blinked his tired eyes slowly. felix paid attention to seungmin and then glanced a seungmin with a smirk that masked his amusement of the situation. "seungmin is not saying anything to help you, i am taking it as if you planned what you did unless minnie says otherwise."

 _seungminnie? minnie?_ they haven't even known each other for 10 minutes and they're already giving him nicknames? seungmin was definitely baffled, a little perplexed too. he never really had friends so jisung and felix intruding into his life set off new experiences and it overwhelmed him. _thankfully_ he was saved by the bell, signaling that it was time for all of them to get back to class. he abruptly jolted up and swift his was to class, not bothering to wait for jisung or felix because it was all too much for him; he just wanted to be alone like he normal was.

" _hey wait-_ seungminnie wait! we all have the same class!" jisung exclaimed in a flustered state since seungmin left like that. he and felix ran their way towards seungmin, one on each side, and squished seungmin in the middle of them. they sat next to seungmin as the bell rang for students to sit down and pay attention, the teacher noticed the change but said nothing and let a small smile appear with seungmin's pleading eyes to do something, shaking their head and carrying on with what need to be said.

the two boys kept on poking seungmin when the teacher said something they didn't quite understand and seungmin softly explained to the two as they beamed widely as seungmin and thanked him with their full pledge sincerity. it was a new feeling that seungmin has experience since nothing like so happens in his life but he was glad to have had something like that in his life, even if it might be once. something in seungmin's brain said that this wouldn't be the only time something like this would happen; jisung and felix liked to show their gratitude often as he quietly examined the boys' personalities that were very much alike, probably to their constant exposure to one another while growing up.

seungmin was not envious of their bond. _okay_ , maybe he was, but that didn't hinder anything with what he could have with these two. something in his mind just said that he could trust these two and they would make his dull life more interesting, painting it with color when all he saw was white and black. he's been alone for a long time, maybe it was time for a new start with other people that had potential to be long-lasting factors in his life that he could finally rely on with things.

 _but what if that isn't the case? what if-_ ugh, kim seungmin needed to stop overthinking things, especially at a young age. it was causing him no good but that was all he knew, he was vary wary of things and did not want to get hurt, as cowardly as it may seem. he was just tried. tired of everything even if he hasn't had a lot of knowledge with concept in life. it's not likely that a ten year old could understand such things, but it's totally possible. his mind began to drift away with his thoughts and was soon interrupted by jisung and felix once again.

"hey. minnie, we've been calling you for the last five minutes. are you paying attention?" felix shot an eyebrow at him while jisung stared at seungmin. with the attention all on him, seungmin felt small and let out a bashful laugh in response and tried to construct an answer that would not make him seem bad.

"s-sorry, i am not u-used to this just yet. p-please don't feel s-sad about it." seungmin gave a sheepish smile and then tried to reassure the two other boys, patting their arms gently. and just like that, a single touch was enough to get them to stop any further pestering. seungmin was not a touchy person whatsoever, but for him to pat both jisung and felix on the arms, it meant everything to the boys.

it was free time, the teacher has just finished talking and stated the children could socialize with another and jisung and felix craned their bodies towards seungmin and started bombarding him with questions they could not as beforehand. he heard all things being asked simultaneously and was puzzled on what both of them said. seeing his face, both boys stopped and motioned towards to the to start. neither of them would start so they began to play rock, paper, scissors — felix won and slight cheered as he prepared to ask seungmin what he wanted while jisung sulked.

"say, minnie, when is your birthday exactly? this is a very important question, if you answer us incorrectly we will just ask the teacher about it. they'll probably give it to us." felix had a blinding smile presented, his freckles out in the open with their glory in view. it matched the said boy well, added good character to him, a uniqueness that one does not see so often. jisung also nodded to this question in approval because he too was also curious about seungmin, it was not often they found kids their age with a later birthday than he and felix, the disadvantages of being born near the end of the year coming in with a strong impact.

seungmin didn't really know what to say. _should he lie, should he tell the truth? well they would ask the teacher if anything and there is no need to involve them in a manner like this — just suck it up seungmin._ he took a sharp breath, a little defeated with the situation because there was no escape, he would be stuck with these two for a long while, he should just come out clean so nothing gets out of hand. prepping himself for his answer, he saw the other two look at him with expectant eyes and just let go to say something short, simple, straight to the point. “it’s september 22nd-“

both the boys gasped and cheered a little louder than expected because eyes were drawn to them and seungmin sunk a little in his chair with the unwanted attention. he watched the two buffoons in front of him make a small scene that people began to lose interest in because it became customary very quick.

"wow! you're like a week and a day younger than i and exactly a week younger than felix!" jisung exclaimed jittery with the said information, it processed even more as a little squeal was released.

felix was just shining brightly with the information and began to tease seungmin when he saw his confused face. "yeah, jisung and i are a day apart, sadly he's the older one of the two of us and the oldest of the three of us. it's not a good position for him to take, really-“

" _excuse me,_ felix! how could you say that! i fit this placement well! how can you talk about me like that?! i am older than you! how many times do i have to say that?!“ jisung had a playful glare on his face as he glanced at felix, who was in front of him since seungmin backed away from his position from the middle of the two to observe them.

"it is only a day! it is not that much! we can practically pass as twins in a way with our close birthdays! you being older really means nothing." felix mocked jisung with his words, a sly smile situated on his innocent looking face.

 _so this is what friends are like. interesting._ seungmin was always curious with this topic but never got to explore it because no one really wanted to be his friend until jisung and felix came. he'd rather not go out and befriend people himself because he'd feel his embarrassment crawling up his neck to make him an awkward mess that other kids his age would find weird. plus, he normally can't talk to people; actually he chose not to, really. when he did speak, not much came out because he had no social skills to depend on. he found himself plain and unworthy to be spoken to so if he did not use his voice then he'd be unnoticed and spare others with his presence. it was working well until jisung and felix but maybe it was time for a change, just maybe.

the discussion between the bickering best friends continued, unaware of seungmin's questioning gaze because they initiated they wanted to get to know him but here they were arguing about their age — not that seungmin minded though. he really disliked talking about himself but that couldn't go undone because the conversation was stuck back to seungmin and the two drilled him with their wonders, seungmin giving small but approvable answers for the two curious boys that were in the progress of befriending him (successfully too, seungmin just didn't notice it at that time.)

say, it took nearly a month for seungmin to warm up to the two, their constant presents and persistent personalities forced their way into seungmin’s life for the better. when he began to talk actual sentences, no stuttering, with them, they were ecstatic, tears and everything, just a complete emotional wreck they were. right then and there did seungmin slightly regret his choices as he was crushed by the two friends, joyfully embracing seungmin in a hug to celebrate their friendship.

("we are the almighty trio!!"

"jisung, as much as you are my best friend, that name is... let's not."

"what?! why?? it's perfect! don't you think seungminnie?"

"um..."

"see jisung, even minnie has no words for it."

"hmph. fine then. is sunglixseung good-“

"oh my gosh- sure, fine. let's go with that. now be quiet, teacher's coming. geez how have i lasted so many years with you..."

"it's only been five years!"

"five years too long.")

 

~~~~

 

now onto the story on how seungmin met chan, woojin, and changbin.

it was a friday, _specifically september 14th,_ jisung's birthday, jisung and felix took seungmin out to loosen up after school ended as jisung tugged seungmin's sweater to guide him, exaggerating that seungmin must spend the say with them and their other friends. with the mention of other friends seungmin began to panic, breath becoming ragged and legs feeling as if they would give up on him. felix saw seungmin's state — jisung too oblivious to the situation, in his own world rambling on about what they'd be doing for his birthday — and held onto seungmin's other hand, which was unoccupied, and squeezed it as a silent reassurance that he would be okay. seungmin was grateful for felix, jisung too, without them he would have still been a loner at school, feeling like a complete _outcast_ ; with two of the most outgoing kids in his year along his side, seungmin was far from an outcast.

seungmin shut his eyes as he entered mrs. han's car, he later discovered her name was Jieun, to take them to their destination of celebration for birthday boy jisung. _mom's definitely going to kill him, he didn't tell her about this. would she even notice? she has work until 8 pm today, no? how about dad- never mind, he's probably already out drinking. maybe he could just ask mrs. han if he can borrow her phone to call mom — would she be disappointed in him for not asking earlier, would mom be mad that he told her last minute? of course sh—_ seungmin was brought out of his thoughts by jisung and felix, both worried with him because he was more spaced out than usual. he flashed them both a small smile and they smiled back and excitedly told him they were about to meet their other friends.

needless to say, seungmin, being the shy little bun he was, hid behind jisung and felix when he was introduced to their other friends — it was more like seungmin hiding behind jisung because after felix saw someone he took off, screeching _binnie-hyung_ and tackled someone, nearly sending them both to the ground. two others just spoke their heads, laughing at the scene and went to greet jisung until they saw seungmin hiding behind him. jisung pulled seungmin lightly away from him so he could introduce himself.

"h-hello, my n-name is k-kim seungmin. n-nice to m-meet you." seungmin bowed and gently introduced himself, shy with all the eyes that were on him, though it were only five sets, he still wasn't used to attention. a timid smile was on his face as he looked at the two boys in front of him, softening at seungmin's action while the other had felix draped across him. seungmin knew felix was a little touchy, but this touchy with this _binnie-hyung_ of his emitted a different type of touchy, a fond interaction between that seem more than something between to friends — even at such a young age, something just screamed that they were _destined_ to be together.

"bang chan. i go to your school as well but i am three grades above you. i am very delighted to meet you seungmin. i hope jisung and felix aren't giving you a tough time." chan smiled at seungmin, internally gushing at how cute and shy the boy way; it was almost a little painful, _almost_. chan reached out for a handshake, to which seungmin eyes warily before shaking his hand in a not so firm way, hands clammy and shaky as contact was made between the tow of them. at that moment, chan silently promised to protect the younger, already growing a sense of endearment for him.

"kim woojin present here. i am in chan’s year as well. and it's my pleasure to meet you seungmin. i hope you find comfort in all of us like how you are with jisung and felix." woojin calmly said to seungmin with a small grin on his face, standing next to chan. he took a step towards seungmin and patted the younger's head with affection spreading within him just like chan. in his eyes, seungmin seemed like a well off boy, but something in woojin stirred and said to protect seungmin, so he planned to follow his gut feeling.

"ugh, felix, let me go, yeah? i have to introduce myself. hey kid, i am seo changbin. i am a year above you. i applaud you for dealing with jisung and felix, they're a handful." changbin let out a chuckle as he heard jisung and felix protesting his statement and flashed seungmin a smile as he observed the other two boys with an eyebrow raised. changin felt warmth watching the younger trio, all in their natural habitats: two plainly out there with no shame, and one not as crazy balancing each other out. they all, as a whole balance another out changbin feels.

together all the other boys gathered with a goofy expression on all their faces, seungmin excluded as he was very confused, and stared at jisung. jisung was a little clueless as well but then smiled widely after they stated, in unison, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNN JISSUUUNNNGG~"

seungmin slightly tugged on jisung's sleeve and gave a small smile to jisung and softly said, "happy bithday _sungie_ , let's go celebrate with the rest?"

jisung was _ecstatic_ , he was _living_. he engulfed the younger in a bone-crushing hug and screeched happily. "oh my gosh, oh my gosh, _oh my gosh!_ did i hear that correctly?? you called me seungie? please pinch me."

seungmin was not wasting this opportunity and pinched jisung quite hard. seungmin gained up at jisung cheekily and shied away as he felt all the other eyes on them. jisung let out a high pitched scream and rubbed the spot where seungmin pinched him, whining lightly. " _ow!_ i didn't think you'd actually do it but okay. this is going to stay well in my memory seungminnie. thank you for brightening my day more."

with all the introductions done, seungmin warmed up a lot quicker to them compared to jisung and felix because he had experience this time and if jisung and felix trusted the three other boy than he could too. seungmin was feeling content, forgetting all problems he encountered prior and just lived in the moment with the five other boys to celebrate jisung's birthday, probably meeting again tomorrow for Felix's birthday. finally, he felt like he kind of fit in with people, and something told him there would be more people to make him feel content; it just doesn't stop here with woojin, chan, changbin, jisung, and felix. however, seungmin let that play out by himself because looking around for it may make it harder to come.

needless to say, seungmin felt like he sort of belonged somewhere for the first time, dismissing it a little because uncertainty. _well there's always a first for everything, let's hope they aren't pretending to like him or anything. would they find him weird to know he doesn't speak as much as jisung? what if the- kim seungmin, stop it. just enjoy your time and don't be a mood killer. let this happiness last for a while._ he never wanted it to stop, the warmth in his chest was a newly found feeling, and he desired more of it but that may have been too much to ask for. his eyes softened slightly as he watched ever so fondly at a whiny jisung after being told to calm down by chan and woojin while felix was laughing, wiping away tears, as he and changbin were talking, probably about the disapproval of jisung's behavior that they were used to by now.

seungmin ended up going with them all to felix's house. since the boy's birthday was the next day, they had a sleepover to spend his birthday with them all. seungmin asked to call his parents from mrs. han's phone to inform them, but the phone beeped for him to make a voice message. oh that's not good, whatever it is he'll deal with it later. time for my happiness for once, even if there is suffering after this.

"h-hey mom. one of my friend's asked if i could sleep over to celebrate they're birthday. s-so, if you don't see me home then that is why." seungmin let out a shaky breath, his palms were slightly sweaty as he gave the phone back to mrs. han — where he thanked her as she was talking happily to mrs. lee about things — and wiped his hands on his jeans. nervously, he looked up to see if anyone saw the way acted while talking on the phone to his mother but none noticed and he was glad.

chan noticed seungmin looking at them and signaled to the space between him and woojin, smiling at him widely and shaking his head as the other two argued upon what movie to watch while changbin observed them do so. woojin had also ushered him to the space they created, not taking no for an answer and pulls seungmin down gently, making sure he has enough space before simply placing a blanket around the three of them for warmth. seungmin looked at woojin and then chan, eyes widened in surprise and panic with their actions. they both cooed at him, gushing over how cute he was, but then realized he was slightly uncomfortable.

"are you feeling uneasy, minnie? we can give you more space if you'd like- _oh gosh_ you're not okay with physical contact. totally forgot to ask! i am so sorry if this makes you uncomfortable-" chan rambled on, uncertain with their actions. woojin gazed at seungmin as well to see how he would respond, a small smile of guilt showed and slightly moved away for seungmin to be more comfortable.

seungmin reached out to keep woojin close, keeping him in his spot as a slight smile was placed on his face, and touched chan's hand to assure him it was okay. with a shaky breath, he gave them an exact answer. "c-channie hyung, w-woojinnie hyung... may i call you t-two that? i am f-fine, just a little s-shocked that is, i normally d-don't have physical contact w-with people but i feel l-like this is something i can learn f-from you two, and e-everyone else."

woojin nodded and brought his hand up to ruffle seungmin's dark brown locks, chuckling gently as the younger's now messed up hair. he fixed the mess he made and had a soft expression on his face at the cuteness he was witnessing: seungmin was a deer in headlights to his actions, but then the look was wiped off his face as he beamed at the affection, a red hue coloring his cheeks to the usual sensation. seungmin then tore his eyes away from woojin and glanced at chan who looked like he was ready to cry over the younger, _gush_ about him and his sweetness for accepting his touchiness even if he wasn't used to it. the younger in between the two older boys reached out and grabbed chan's hands, giving him comfort and easing his way into the sensation of this newly found thing.

it was super foreign to seungmin, but he learned to adapt quickly. not once had he done this with his parents, he shivered with the thought of them being affectionate, it just wasn’t _them_. the younger cuddled up to the elders in an instant, feeling slightly sleepy until two voices disrupted the peaceful environment. there stood jisung and felix coming into view arguing about what to watch still. changbin was looking at the two amused; woojin and chan were both staring at him weirdly, thinking he'd do something until he sighed and took on his elderly instincts and disrupted the two.

"alright! _dear lord,_ you two are something else, let's just go with this moive, Kung Fu Panda, or something. you two bicker way too much for such a simple thing, it was starting to give me a headache." changbin sighed and pushed the two boys on the the other couch, next to the one seungmin, woojin, and chan were on, and then put the cd in. he placed himself next to felix who automatically cuddled up to him.

jisung pouted at this and hugged a stuffed animal nearby since he didn't have anyone, glancing at a drowsy seungmin who was settled into the two oldest. staring as seungmin, jisung smiled widely because this was the boy who was known to be very reserved a month ago. the progress was amazing and jisung couldn't have been had it any other way to wrap up his birthday, all of them together in one roof where they stay connected with another, hearts in contentment.

time passed by with more movies until the all fell asleep. mrs. lee walked down at some point and had a small smile on her face while she turned off the television and let the boys rest. she laughed at their positions. her little felix was on top of changbin, jisung was in a somewhat starfish style, while woojin and chan caged seungmin in the middle of them seemingly protecting the younger.

the time arose when all boys woke up. seungmin was actually the first to wake up and absorb his surroundings. he had slightly panicked when he saw the unfamiliar environment but calmed then when he realized all the sleeping boys around him. he wiggled himself out of the grasp of woojin and chan to make his way to felix, shaking him slightly to greet him happy birthday. felix fidgeted and then woke up, seeing seungmin in front of his face, smiling with a snoozy expression as he got off changbin, who curled up to keep some of the missing warmth.

"happy birthday, _lix._ " seungmin reached out and squeezed the other's hand and waited for the tired boy to process his words.

not even a second later, felix's eyes widened and had his jaw dropped. he sputtered incoherent words until he finally managed to get proper words out. "wow... i- _wow._ thank you minnie. i really appreciate it since its our first celebration of my birthday with another! my mother should be getting up to make breakfast for all of us, should we make up the others."

seungmin was amused with both jisung's and felix's reaction. he never knew nicknames could have such an impact. wait- they gave him nicknames within minutes of meeting him, it was possible to have such an impact. nevertheless seungmin smiled up at the elder and giggled at his still dumbstruck expression. just then mrs. lee walked in and announced she would make breakfast; seungmin softly greeted her a good morning, letting felix then talk to his mother and went back to the living room where he saw the others staring to wake up.

there was a small glint of fondness already seen in seungmin's eyes as we examined the four boys groggily get up and wait patiently for food to come since mrs. lee had yelled out for them to hear. felix had walked back into the living room and was tackled by a certain someone who was no longer tired in the time period of a second, actually barely even a second.

"FELIXX, MY FRIEND, YOU'RE FINALLY MY AGE! HOW DOES IT FEEL?" an overly excited jisung poked felix's cheeks and smiled widely at the birthday boy. the other three lads were shaking their head at such loudness early in the morning but proceeded to comment happy birthday to felix. mrs. lee then called the boys to eat and celebrate a little before they all had to go home.

this was actually the first time seungmin had tasted such a meal: pancakes, fruits, juice, sausage, bacon, eggs, milk, hash browns, toast. it was like a mini paradise that had just been discovered by him and he never wanted it to end. he thanked mrs. lee gratefully and she just patted his head and told him to enjoy when she called the rest of the family to come down and eat as well. it was birthdays spent well for all of them.

(after breakfast was finished, it was time for all of them to go home. seungmin felt his mouth go dry with returning home, he didn't know what to really expect. he was dropped off by mrs. lee and the boys and wished her and them a goodbye as he went to go inside, them not leaving until he was safely inside. the first thing seungmin heard as he gently closed the door was his parents' voice acknowledging his presence in a cold demeanor.

 _oh boy, this was not going to end well. at least he got something good before this to cherish_.)

 

~~~~

 

next, seungmin meets minho and jeongin.

seungmin had learned to be independent. nearing the age of eleven, he was already walking alone by himself to get places. probably not the best idea but nothing had happened to him yet so he takes as if it will always be like so though in the back of his head he has a feeling something will go terribly wrong one day but he pushes that in the back of his head so he can enjoy his time to himself. his time away from all the chaos at home, away from them. though his heart ached just thinking about that, he wanted to _breathe_ , he just wanted to not think about it and look at the word as he was on his way towards the park.

he liked nature, he loved seeing the beauty it brought — though it could be harsh at times — he was at ease when he was surrounded by it. the images he saw were more filled with color than usual. it was autumn, all the colors were warm and little seungmin made his way to sit at a bench in the park just to admire what was brought to him: the trees were bare and bundles of leaves pooled at the floor, a lovely mix of brown, orange, yellow, and red. seungmin was so captivated by what he saw, it was to the point where he missed the incoming yell of _watch out!_ by a unfamiliar voice. it was definitely too late to notice, if seungmin even bothered, by the time he actually noticed a volleyball had already smashed into his head. seungmin winced slightly in pain but it wasn't so bad, there were definitely other things that hurt more.

"oh my gosh, are you okay?! i am so sorry, i was playing volleyball with my neighbor and my aiming as i hit the ball accidentally went in the wrong way and came its way at you. do you feel any pain anywhere? i can go get my mother? oh boy she won't be happy to hear this..." a boy unknown to seungmin kept on muttering things which were quite incoherent to seungmin as of now. the boy kept on rambling and seungmin tilted his head in confusion, trying to make sense of the stranger's words but found it to be perplexing. it wasn't until another voice made an appearance that made the boy stop rambling on and on about the situation.

"hyung. _minho-hyung!_ you're saying words that don't make sense." another boy, with fox-like features, appeared behind the boy in front of seungmin, who was apparently named minho. minho stared puzzled at the boy who finally made his arrival by his side, his eyebrow slightly raised up as if he could not comprehend what the other was stating.

"what do you mean _jeongin_? i thought i said words that were of perfect sense." minho had a lost look on his face while the other boy, jeongin to say, just sighed at him.

"hyung, you are kidding right...?" jeongin shook his head at minho, huffing slightly at him and his weirdness.

"um... no?" minho finally bend down to pick up the volleyball and looked at seungmin again, who was a little dazed. "hey, uh... you're not hurt right? i am lee minho, you might have heard that from this boy here, yang jeongin, but never mind that. i want to make my first impression to you slightly better. sorry about the ball hitting you once again though."

seungmin could only bring himself to nod slowly, wincing ever so slightly, but that didn't go unnoticed by jeongin and jabbed minho in the side for the incident he caused. minho let out a small scream and glared sideways a jeongin but jeongin was unbothered and pointed at seungmin. "he's not okay hyung, let's take him to your mother, she should be able to treat him well- maybe she can properly state a 'sorry' for her son who hit someone in the head with the volleyball."

“ _geez,_ for a nine year old you’re definitly mean, where’s the _cute_ kid in you, huh? _and_ it wasn't my fault the ball-" minho sighed and looked at seungmin's innocent frame, wide eyes staring at him, not one words was milked out of him and that confused minho a little. "you don't talk much do you? but yeah, come follow me, i will ask my mother, she's nearby in the park reading her book, over there."

minho had pointed in an area not far off from them and seungmin's eyes traveled upon the woman who was indeed reading a book. she had to be super engrossed by it since she did not hear all the commotion that was being made. minho went on and yelled for her, stating something like _mom, over here please!_ and with that, the woman's head shot up due to her son's call and had her eyebrows furrowed as she saw minho and jeongin near a boy who she did not know. inching her way closer to them, she probably had a realization of what happened because by the time she arrived to the boy she turned directly to seungmin and asked if he was okay. he nodded again, trying not to wince but that only made it harder for him not to do so and she notices. she brought her hand up to move seungmin's bangs and he flinched upon her touch. her gaze softened on him and the other two boys just watched as she moved his bangs aside, after his hesitancy vanished, realizing the woman meant no harm. she let out a small gasp as she saw the forming bruise on his forehead.

"oh my... sweetie, are your parents here? i would like to explain to them why you have this bruise." minho's mother, named meeyon, looked at him concerned as his eyes wandered a bit around the park, wondering what he should tell the nice lady about him making it to the park all the way on his own there, without his parents.

just as he was about to reply, familiar voices called out that tore his attention away from the lady in front of him to the voices. "seungmin! yah, seungmin-ah where are you?!"

 _ah, his parents._ how they knew he was there was beyond his knowledge but they did not look happy as they were looking around the park until the spotted him. as the saw him with the lady they were cautious with their actions and slowly walked up to him, his mother went up and cupped his face, lightly scolding him, "oh dear, are you okay? don't run off like that next time!"

this is strange for seungmin, this affection was not given often, probably one of his mother’s many acts when there were people around. his father made a slower appearance to them, and watched the scene play out as the two ladies were talking about the situation; sohae had walked to minho’s mother acting like a proper parent. youngman looked at seungminwith a piercing glare that the two other boys did not notice and seungmin quickly adverted his gaze when their eyes met, getting up the bench to slowly shuffle towards him to not make anything seem off, head down a little in shame. the ladies kept on talking and seungmin stayed by father's side until minho and jeongin went up to him. _pft, when did she care so much?typical for him not to do anything either- something will happen later on, he’s sure of it…_

"once again, i am deeply sorry about that." minho had a really apologetic look on his face after seeing the bruise. jeongin gave seungmin a sympathetic look as well since he didn't want any harm to be placed upon the boy.

"n-no it's o-okay." seungmin looked at both of them with a small smile adorn on his face and watched as the women finished talking. meeyon walked towards seungmin and crouched down towards his height and smiled at him.

"so, i asked your mother if you could have dinner with us, as a full apology from all of us. what do you say, sweetie?" she kindly looked at seungmin, a look of hopefulness appeared, curious for his answer. she broke out into a full smile after he looked at both of his parents for approval — he didn’t miss their stern faces when they both nodded curtly at him, signifying their unhappiness about the situation — and he nodded as well up to her, probably going to say yes either way, despite the consequences because there could be nothing done to him in public; he needed to place himself somewhere away from them for a little and this was his best shot at the moment. minho’s mother then looked towards his mother and said, "could you give me your address? it'd be a hassle for you two to drive him to my house when i could take him home and then drop him off later before 8pm."

sohae hesitantly gave her the number and gave seungmin a _bye_ as she walked by youngman’s side and they began to go home, both tense in the shoulders. _that's not going to end well..._ he thought but dismissed it and went home with the beaming boys who wanted to get to know him and a happy mother who was glad to repay things.

at the dinner, seungmin learned a lot of things about the two boys. minho and jeongin both attended his school as well, minho two years ahead of seungmin while jeongin was a year below. he slowly began to get comfortable with them, it got easier as he had the others in his life — it was still a little difficult in it’s own aspect because seungmin had people thrown at him unexpectedly and is now learning the fundaments of how these friendships work out — he asked if he could introduce them to his other friends at school the next day and both boys were ecstatic about it.

the next day came and their group of six quickly turned into a group of eight. seungmin thought that things couldn't have gotten any better.

("jisung, you kind of just stared at minho-hyung for like... the longest time ever-"

"changbin-hyung! i did no such thing!"

"sorry jisungie, i am going to have to agree with changbin here"

"me too"

"not you guys too woojin-hyung and chan-hyung!"

"it's a little obvious jisung, just be glad that minho-huyng is oblivious. after the years i've known him... he really doesn't pay attention"

"hm."

"ugh- even you jeonginnie and seungminnie??"

"just accept it mate-"

"felix! i expected more out of you!")

 

~~~~

 

finally, seungmin meets hyunjin.

seungmin lied to himself when he said that things could not get better. there was a new boy in school, and apparently he was in seungmin's class. jisung and felix were bubbly talking about making the said boy their friend because they just had the feeling of him being a good addition. seungmin sat in his normal quiet demeanor, fiddling with his hands with his sweater paws. for some reason, nervousness arose in him as the teacher walked in and began to beckon a boy inside the room to introduce himself.

"hello, my name is hwang hyunjin. please take care of me well, i hope to have a nice year with all of you." hyunjin had just bowed to the class with a small grin. the teacher had said his seat to be the one in front of seungmin since felix and jisung occupied the ones next to him. the pair was excited at hyunjin's placement and immediately started to talk to him.

"hey, welcome to the class! were the best people you can find here. my name is han jisung, that guy over there is lee felix, and this here is kim seungmin! we just turned elevent- or well felix and i that is. seungmin over here turns eleven in like... four days, was it?" jisung raised his eyebrow to see if he got it right, but seungmin was not paying attention much because the boy in front of him was a little distracting. oh boy. seungmin discreetly stared at him. the said boy was striking to say, there was no denying that. seungmin mind was at a haze because he never felt this way about anyone. sure he had chan, woojin, minho, jisung, felix, and jeongin, but his heart didn't race like it was now with his subtle glances at hyunjin.

his state of mind was slightly interrupted when worried voices were tuned back into his head and directly looked up. hyunjin looked confused at him while both jisung and felix were softly peaking to him. it was often where this happened to seungmin, but the two said boys still worried knowing seungmin doesn't express himself a lot

"minnie, you good there? you kind of zoned out. your birthday is in four days right? please tell us we're good friends and got your birthday right." felix was worrying about the birthday date. it was september 18th so it was seungmin's birthday in four days. huh, he didn't even notice such a thing. he never really celebrated his birthday, saw no point in it. from the start there really was no birthday of his that he celebrated. oh boy would he hear a mouthful from all of his friends, especially jisung and felix.

"u-um. yeah. it is in four days. i-i don't really celebrate it t-though." seungmin scolded himself in his mind since he made a fool out of himself in front of hyunjin- wait. why does he care so much? he shouldn't. he normally doesn't. seungmin stood corrected as he heard felix let a small but audible what?! and visually seeing jisung drop his jaw. "y-yeah. i n-never really c-celebrated it?"

"wait, how could you not celebrate it? it's your birthday?" hyunjin cut into the conversation since he was observing. he didn’t mean to but the proximity couldn’t help but allow him to listen on.

 _whatshouldhedowhatshouldhedo. what should he do?!_ noticing seungmin's wide eyes hyunjin quickly added something in a panic. "s-sorry! i swear i said that in my head!"

"no! you have a point. minnie how could you not celebrate such a thing? _oh my-_ jisung we should plan something. wait let's not talk about this here it should be a surprise~" felix talked in a sing-song way to express some happiness with being able to take control to do something special for seungmin.

"count me in! oh, seungminnie, you are in for a lot! i am sure all the hyungs and jeoninnie would like to do something as well! ouh! hyunjin, you can meet them when it is lunch time! i swear they're nice, no need to worry!" jisung chirped happily, secretly planning things for seungmin, giving felix a look to have their awesome telepathic skills be put into place.

"you sure i wouldn't be too much of a bother?" hyunjin voiced out unsure since he thought he'd be intruding their group of friends.

"of course not! the more the merrier! they're a little weird, hopefully that doesn't scare you." jisung happily replied in thoughts of adding hyunjin to their group of friends. he just knew hyunjin would fit in well with them.

the teacher came in and started to teach. seungmin tried to pay attention but his mind was a little occupied. _does hyunjin think he's weird now? what does jisung and felix have planned? what would the other guys say about this? is hyunjin going to fit in with them? what if-_

"kim seungmin, would you care to explain what is wrong with this sentence for me?" the teacher raised an eyebrow at seungmin, noticing the boy not paying attention and startling him.

seungmin had turned a crimson red, all eyes on him now and quickly scanned the sentence "I like to play games" and quickly answered in a small voice with "p-punctuation. there n-needs to be a period a-at the end."

the teacher nodded satisfied and let out a small sigh, saying "next time, pay attention okay? there is no time for daydreaming." he nodded in response and wanted to curl up in his room, his safety room where people do not know what happens there. the observing eyes on him made him feel queasy, none of it was ever a good thing. the bell suddenly rang to save seungmin. what good luck there is right now. everyone has scampered out to have lunch.

jisung, felix, and hyunjin were waiting for seungmin as he slowly put his items into his backpack and made is way towards them, eyes trained to the ground. the feet in his vision started to move and he followed in suit, cautious not to bump into anyone as he stayed close to the three in front of him. they were chatting with another and seungmin was just tuning into their conversations, not contributing to it.

"over here! _oh! who's this?_ where's seungmin?" minho had just waved at them when he spotted jisung and felix with someone new, seungmin being blocked by the three of them as he trailed behind. he walked from around them and crinkled his nose with a small reply of "here i am hyung, no worries" and made his way to sit with jeonin near woojin and chan, who were beckoning him near them.

"hi, i am hwang hyunjin, i hope we all can become friends?" hyunjin timidly addressed. seungmin thought he didn't need to act in that way but he understands because he is like so as well. he watched as all his friend greeted hyunjin with a smile, introducing themselves, and told him that he could sit in the empty spot near felix, who was already sitting down next to changbin, _typical._

" _guys!_ seungminnie doesn't really celebrate his birthday, we should plan something!!" jisung uttered this into the conversation, his main goal to have something planned for their resident shy boy. seungmin reacted with holding onto chan's arm and hiding his face slightly into is as all of them besides hyunjin and felix gave him questioning looks.

noticing his discomfort, chan patted seungmin's head which caused some of his tension to decrease but still not be able to look at everyone. jisung just had to say something. a small groan was heard from him, only chan, woojin, and jeongin could hear though due to their proximity. there was already chatter happening between the table, heck even hyunjin was adding on to the conversation. they came to a conclusion as chan played with seungmin's hair to keep him calm.

hyunjin's eyes glanced over at them a little curious but chose not to say anything because it might just be a normal thing. he had gotten along with all of them quite well and that made him an official member in their small group of friends. their used to be eight just turned nine.

the day came where they had to celebrate seungmin's birthday. he woke up and neither of his parents greeted him. not a surprise was all he thought. they never really paid much attention, if they did it was all fake because other people were presented. they probably wouldn't notice him gone, this has happened many times before yet nothing good ever comes out of this situation, even if he tells them where he is going. seungmin dismissed the situation and went out of the house where felix's mother's car stood in front of his house. he was coaxed to go out — he literally had no choice, they all would drag him if they had to — and were to spend some time with all of them. in the car he saw hyunjin. jisung, and felix. the four of them had gotten really close within the past few days, adding more dynamic to their used to be sunglixseung group as jisung liked to call it. they were now called the 00 liners since they were all born in that year. mrs. lee bid seungmin a happy birthday which he kindly replied back to.

"hey minnie, happy birthday" hyunjin had greeted seungmin with a smile as he entered the car and plotted himself right next to him. jisung and felix greeted him slightly with a "happy birthday" then went back to bickering about something seungmin could care less about. at least they greeted him. it was not a strange site to see the two best friends in.

"hi jinnie. thank you." seungmin smiled back, his stuttering had decreased drastically after spending time with hyunjin. normally, it would have taken some time for it to go away as he became comfortable with someone, but hyunjin's was in an instant. the day after they met, they had bonded over a common liking and their friendship flourished from there. everyone saw the change in seungmin with hyunjin; jisung and felix smiled fondly after hearing their exchanged greetings, they _knew_ hyunjin would bring goodness to their group somehow.

they arrived at a place seungmin had never been to: an amusement park. he examined in awe with the rollercoasters with wide and curious eyes. his eyes were the place where most emotions were conveyed; just looking at them you can make an assumption about his feelings. mrs. lee parked the car and ushered the kids out as she saw the other boys so they could chitchat. once the boys met, the ones not in the same car as seungmin screamed "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEUNGMINNNIIEE" which he just laughed at and gave them all a small hug to express his gratitude. woojin took seungmin's hand and placed a band around his wrist to signify he right of entry and together they marched into the theme park to explore.

"so, birthday boy, where do you want to go first?" changbin offered seungmin a smile as he had a clinging felix attached to his arm, excitedly looking around; jisung was the same but with minho; woojin, chan, and jeongin were looking at seungmin to choose with bright eyes since it's there first celebration of his birthday together; hyunjin looked at seungmin expectantly, skimming through the rides to see which ones seungmin may come to a decision with, he cheered as he got the ride seungmin pointed out, a themed ride that had a story narration.

together they walked to the ride with Felix's family as their supervisors. seungmin couldn't believe it; he never expected to be at a theme park with his friends on his birthday, his prior birthdays obviously was him in his own room, celebrating by himself. he turned to everyone once they got in line and spoke with a teary expression. "thank you all. thank you for wanting to spend my birthday with me and being my first experience at theme park with."

they all cooed at him and waited in line so they could enjoy the ride; hyunjin took his hand and dragged him up every time the line moved up and it definitely made his heart race. this continued on for the rest of the day, one of the best birthdays seungmin has had and he was sure of one thing. _he liked hyunjin._ his mind was set on that and there was no backing out, he can't suppress his feelings, they aren't meant to function that way.

("they look good together, no?"

"jinnie and minnie?"

"yeah, them. they just seem to have a connection that makes them look good with another."

"let's not interfere with anything, okay?"

"hm, just let things play out as it is."

"and if they end up together, then... let's prepare our wedding speeches guys-"

"jisung!"

"he ain't wrong? we should plan ahead to know what to say later."

"of course it'd be you too, felix. you and jisung share the braincell i swear-"

"jeongin that isn't nice…”

"never said it was."

none of the boys cared about sexuality, even at a young age. love was love, and that was it. there is no indifference with someone’s character depending on who they love; ultimately in the end the person is still themselves and that’s all that matters.)

 

~~~~

 

back to kim seungmin in his room, hiding away in emotions no one ever sees. with the eight people in his life, they still know nothing about his life, he doesn’t want them to figure out, at least not yet. But as for now, no one ever sees his struggles, his scars, his broken self. this part of him is only ever presented in his room. his room sees way too much, some could call it unhealthy but nothing really can be done. he can't carry on with somethings, his hopelessness is kicking in again and another breakdown is coming. he hears the yelling from the outside again, a door slams shut and a car engine is heard; his mother had left him, with his father. he tuned out the noise before he can't do so anymore; he lost the capability at the moment due to his exhaustion. he feverishly wipes away his tears that are constantly falling and goes numb as sound kicks back in again with the banging on his door.

and there it happen. his door opens and slams into the wall with a loud bang! his teary eyes meet his fathers and chills were sent down his spine. no one is going to protect him, no one ever does; he's not verbal with the situation, no sound is to escape his lips so suspicion is present so he can get help. his parents' screams may warn the neighbors but still nothing is done; maybe it's because they really can't hear them or chose not to because it's not their place to interfere. whatever it is can't save seungmin at this point, his body shakes in fear as his father approaches him, a dark glint in his eyes. the rest of the night doesn't go well for him.

kim seungmin is the one to bottle up his emotions. no one notices how he isolates himself with constant thoughts and situations that provide heartbreaking outcomes which leads him **to be hurt,** **to feel lost, to be left out in the dark, to be kicked when he's down, to feel like he's been pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down... and no one's there to save him, welcome to his life.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did you guys think of it? hopefully it was okay, and if not, i will work on my way to improve so you all can enjoy! thank you all once again for reading! a lot is unedited so whenever i have time i will edit and i will probably have an update schedule, depending on how busy i am? crosses fingers for my time to be consistent... let’s wait and see i guess.  
> 


	2. feels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time: three months after seungmin's birthday, some time mid december, ongoing christmas.  
> more of what kim seungmin's family is revealed, presenting why he was the way he was. things slowly unravel to show how impacted seungmin is with the situation, it may be considered to be too much for someone his age to encounter such things. his childlike nature is shattered with his family but enhanced with his friends. kim seungmin's feelings also develop even more after an interaction that happened by accident. that accident made him happy though, it made him a little giddy and thankful for such a thing to be done with... him, the one and only twang hyunjin. teasing happened often with the other boys after the situation happened but was slowly dropped for obvious reasons to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof! another chapter! the song is "feels" kiiara. for this one, if you actually listen to the songs, you can play the actual one by kiiara or the jai wolf remix. up to you guys which one you want to listen to, you can even listen to both if anything. anyways, hope you guys enjoy this!

_ah, home_. that place is where seungmin's soul was not in his body, the place that stole the glint in his eyes away. constant arguments and mistreatment happens behind closed doors. if only everyone knew, if only everyone saw beyond what was naturally presented. his family seemed to have this happy aura at first glance, boy was that so _inaccurate_. everyone was so oblivious to the fact that no one in his family was happy with one another, not even his relative knew what went on in the house; like everyone, they thought that the family was content with one another. truth be told, his parents only act that way when they know they have visitors. with unknown visitors, they adapt naturally into people who they are not; the pseudo personalities are shaped with no worries, they've done it far too many times, he should know.

currently there were visitors in the house: his grandparents. they were happy to see seungmin to say, they popped in for a short visit before the went off to travel together. seungmin enjoyed watching their interactions with another, his grandfather smiled at his grandmother like she was the only person in the world. it was endearing, it was beyond what his parents were like. it worried seungmin a little to know that his parents weren't doing well and his grandparents did not have a single clue about it. _what they don't know won't hurt._

their greetings had been painfully awkward for seungmin though. sohae welcomed her in-laws inside with a hug while youngman went up to greet them too since they were his parents. it was a casual greeting of "how have you been," "it's so nice to see you," and "mom, dad. welcome," to which the elderly couple answered with jolly smiles on their faces. it wasn't until seungmin popped up into the conversation where things began to get uncomfortable.

his grandmother, chungae, looked around the house scanning for something but couldn't fine what she wanted so she looked at youngman and sohae with a puzzled expression. "where is the little guy? where is our little minnie? he's normally already out and about when we come visit."

seungmin was peeking behind a wall near the living room where chungae and doyoon, his grandfather, stood. his parents were blocking him from physically seeing his grandparents.don't get him wrong, seungmin loved his grandparents; they were a lot better than his parents. what made him uneasy was when he saw the looks on his parents when he was asked about. their expressions were somewhere along the lines of _behave or this won't go well for you later._ gulping, he nodded to the both before they entered the kitchen to cook. he proceeded on his way to his grandparents, shyly making an appearance to with a small smile placed on his face.

"seungmin, sweetie, _oh my_ \- look at how much you've grown!." chungae, smiled softly at seungmin, pulling him into a tight hug which he winced at. in his condition, this hug was too tight and gave excruciating pain.

doyoon noticed his grandson flinch upon the hug and places his hand on her shoulder. "chungae, i think you're hurting the poor boy."

"on no! i am so sorry sweetie, i didn't mean it! are you okay?" chungae cupped his face in her delicate hands, frowning slightly at the thought of unconsciously hurting him when all she was was excited to see him again.

"hm, i am okay grandma, i know you didn't mean it either. it's nice to see you two again." seungmin gave them an eye smile where chungae cooed. she was just happy to see seungmin again, beaming at the small boy. doyoon was looking at her, happiness evident in his orbs, as she interacted with their grandson and chuckled gently as he saw seungmin's expression; the said boy was definitely cute, an innocent aura engulfed him. _but_ something seemed to be missing in him; it was like his life was sucked out of him but doyoon didn't want to assume things and blame his old age for thinking such things.

"say, sweetie, i am curious about something-" chungae started, caressing seungmin's cheeks; he looked up to her with his curious, young eyes with his head tilted a little in form of a silent question, motioning her to proceed on with the question. "anything new happen in your life? update your grandparents would you?"

"anything new... _oh!_ i made some friends!" seungmin excitedly told his grandmother, looking between her and his grandfather, beaming with a glint in his eyes.

"friends? is our little minmin popular?" doyoon teased seungmin, who was quick to protest that it was not popularity he possessed, and ruffled his hair. by this point, the three had gathered on the sofa, comfortably talking to another.

chungae was curious if these friends seungmin had were good to him — if her grandson was talking happily about them, they couldn't be so bad — only one way to find out. "sweetie, why don't you tell us about them?"

doyoon had just nodded, anxious to hear about the friends the little one was talking about. seungmin's intentions had always been good, he was sure the kid had chose good people to befriend so he wasn't as worried. he looked at his wife and reached out to squeeze her hand because she looked a little perplexed; she glanced up and looked at his eyes, they reflected _trust the boy, i am sure his friends are nice._ this seemed to ease her, squeezing his hand back as a thank you. they both looked a seungmin who had a small grin on his face.

"where do i begin... age order? okay yes, i will do that. first, woojin-hyung. he's three years older than me and is a really nice person. he _loves_ chicken too, it's always a suggestion from him if we had to pick something to eat- i mean, you _can't_ go wrong with chicken. his singing is really good, plays guitar too, sometimes he will sing a song to me so i can sleep, his voice is very- _soothing._ he's like a bear, very soft and huggable. he calms me down a lot if i ever need assurance of something. next, chan-hyung. he is also three years older than me, super nice as well; he's honestly someone i can rely on when i need it. like woojin-hyung, chan-hyung can do music related things like sing, rap, make music, writes lyrics, _heck_ he can probably even dance if you ask me; just an overall talented person. he tends to worry a lot about me and the others, great leader material- _like_ he leaves no one behind, includes all of us and makes sure we are all okay. oh, how can i forget, he is a big foodie as well. in summary, as the two oldest, they tend all of us well- they're kind of like the parent figures, it's an inside joke we have.

"now, minho-hyung. he's two years older than i am and is _weird_ , a good weird though — even though we can't understand him sometimes, it is just complete nonsense — but that's really what makes him, well _him_. he is a really good dancer, like his skills are something else. he is very good looking too — i am not saying that woojin-hyung and chan-hyung aren't — minho-hyung just stands out. he has an interesting laugh as well, it's super distinct. moving on, changbin-huyng. he's one year older than me, really nice, and well... he's the shortest out of all of us to simply put it. there's an _edge-y_ look he has but don't be fooled by that, he acts cute all the time with us. other than that, he raps and makes music? i think his voice matches rapping though, it's curt, but he can also sing if her wanted to? due to music, he tends to spend a lot of time with chan-hyung because of that as well.

"who's next- _ah!_ hyunjin-hyung! oof. how could i _forget_ he is next? hyunjin-hyung is my age, just six months older than me. he's honestly _amazing_. he is good at dancing, like minho-hyung, and is handsome as well. _wow,_ the dancers have really good visuals. but they are obviously more than just a pretty face. i know for sure that _jinnie_ would rather be known for his dancing, or any other talent he possesses, than his looks. it's fairly reasonable; he has a lot of female admires though... he also raps and can sing! i personally really like his style of rapping and when he sings, he kind of sound like chan-hyung. _oh man,_ i am just realizing how well rounded my friends are. anyways, jinnie—"

chungae and doyoon look at each other when seungmin talks about hyunjin. there was just something different when he explained who hyunjin was. their grandson looked lovestruck to say, and if what they assume was actually true, they would totally support him. it was cute watching him ramble about his friends. they smiled gently at one another and looked back at seungmin who was still going on about hyunjin. it was a major change.

doyoon finally realized what was missing with seungmin before, and that he was not hallucinating. the glint in the younger's eyes were very much present in this situation, as if he were happier with his friends rather than his parents. it sparked interest in doyoon. kids at this age normally are happy with their parents too, maybe it's just that seungmin was excited to talk about his friends. he didn't want to over thing it so he stayed with that conclusion.

"— hm, after this is jisung-hyung. he's eight days older than me and _really_ looks like a squirrel. i am not being mean, even he admitted to it. he is also very nice, they all are really, and is constantly teased by all of us, changbin-hyung too, i don't know why it's just those two but it is. he is also musically talented, he writes lyrics, raps, makes music, sings —he also is with chan-hyung and changbin-hyung a lot. i feel like he has a crush on minho-hyung but i don't really want to assume it and be wrong, they'd look nice together though? that's if they like boys...? anyways! felix-hyung comes after. he's korean name is _yongbok_ but felix is used more towards his liking. he was originally born in australia, he goes to visit every summer — oh, chan-hyung is from australia too, his english name is chris! did i mention felix was a week older than i am? _yeah,_ he and jisung are a day apart, i hear so much bickering from them about this. besides that, he dances, raps, and can sing if he wanted to. he and changbin-hyung are really close with another too.

"finally, jeongin. he's the youngest of us all, five months younger than i am. _five._ he's honestly very _cute_ , everyone love him within my group of friends. i think you guys would know why if you meet him. never mind that, he likes to sing as well, he is really good at singing trot! it's a not a common genre you see a nine year old kid sing but you know, but that's what makes him unique. his birthday is really soon too, or well it is in two months bit _still,_ it's soon. overall, i would not trade any of my friends for something else. they mean a lot to me and i hope we all remain this close when we get older because we are not all the same age; i have my hopes set high for us sticking together. something tells me that it will happen and that i have nothing to worry about and i am happy. if you are staying for a few days, do you think you guys can help me pick presents for all of them?”

seungmin's eyes were filled with hope and his grandparents could not say no to such a sight. the both unknowing nodded simultaneously which made seungmin giggle. he was so happy to hear they'd help him that he gave each of them a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. he was happy that he could actually get gifts along with his letters he made for everyone.

“mom, dad, seungmin! dinner is ready!” youngman yelled from the kitchen. it seemed to roll off of his tongue naturally, and seungmin crinkled his nose in distaste since it was beyond what he normally got from his father.

chungae and doyoon got off the couch and proceeded to walk in the dining room, seungmin following quick after them. he glanced at the neatly set table in awe, it’s been a while where he last saw a table set like this, like two years? he snapped out of his thoughts and saw the adults, who hadjust sat down, looking at him to choose a seat to occupy. instinctively, he chose a seat near his grandparents and avoided his parents gazes which were watching his every move. he patiently waited for the adults to grab their foods first before he took his.

the table has things like kimchi stew, stir-fried noodles, mixed rice. off as a side plate, kimchi was placed down to enjoy. a small sigh had passed seungmin’s lips, unheard by anyone, and eyes scanned around to see the adults eating so he could finally start as well. the food was a paradise for seungmin, something he missed dearly. it wasn’t often he had home-cooked meals, he’d be lucky to even find food if he were honest.

there was silence at the dinner table, that was something seungmin found unusual for his family dinners with his parents, if there were any. there would be arguments left in right while he was the only one who kept quiet. his mother would have snarky comments to both his father and him, same with his father to his mother and him. endless criticism and arguments were passed left and right, always attacking seungmin no matter what.

obviously there was no way of that happening with his grandparents in the house. the thought of it would probably cause so much damage. it was better if he got the damage rather than them knowing about it because they’d then worry and he doesn’t want that. the impact on finding what their child and significant other do to their grandchild would be _heartbreaking_ for them because they were raised as children to be good people. _funny_ _how that didn’t play off well for him, right?_

seungmin chewed his food slowly, savoring the taste of the meal, his stomach a little queasy from not being used to such food. it wasn’t that kim seungmin didn’t eat, it’s more of the fact that he never ate enough — he was definitely on the weaker radar. okay, maybe he was a little malnourished, hold that thought, maybe a lot. no one really knew, he was always wearing baggy clothes, the distraction was that he looked cute, it was his plan. he wanted no one to worry about him whatsoever.

seungmin pushed his bowl away from him after he was full. he had overestimated what he could eat and put way too much in it. now his parents are full on glaring at him and his grandparents have worried expressions plastered on there faces, seungmin flushing at the attention. the food in his bowl was clearly evidentclearing his throat gently, seungmin chose to look at all of them and for his rude interruption and asked if in a small voice, “may i be excused?”

“um, sure... just stay in the living room.” sohae replies a little unsure with seungmin’s reaction because now her in-laws were staring at her and youngman, questions embedded within their eyes. she looked away and continued to eat, thinking about what is going to happen later on, after they leave. there was no way seungmin would be set free from that, he made her look like a bad mother. scoffing a little, sohae went back to eating.

youngman noticed sohae’s tense shoulders but said nothing. there was nothing to be said because what was done is done and there could be nothing done just yet. he sighed and took a sip of the wine that was placed out for the all of them but seungmin. he needed to have things presentable so his parents thought nothing about the situation but that was obviously falling to pieces since seungmin was acting up and now his parents were worried about him. a small scowl was placed on his lips at seungmin’s actions, he’d just have to keep this in mind and do something later when his parents leave; he’s sure sohae is thinking something as well.

the silence at the table was very strained. chungae and doyoon finished their meal just as youngman and sohae did. they offered to wash the dishes but youngman and sohae didn’t allow them because they were guest in the house and partially because it was one of the times where they could talk to one another without fighting to discuss about seungmin because he did them wrong at dinner.

the elderly couple set off to find their grandson. they went to the living room first because that’s where they were before but he was not there, they then proceeded to his room and there he was. he was in the middle of planning a shopping list. he was sitting on his chair in his desk, cutely tapping his pen to the book he had to make his list. he looked up and saw them, giving a small smile as they walked in his room to examine it and look upon what he had on his list so far; everything seemed to be planned neatly and the couple smiled back in return of his, only to make his smile grow wider and create a joyful aura.

“hey,” chungae started off, taking her hand to run through his messy hair, which he had just recently washed his hair; impressive might she say no one had to nag him to clean up but then again this was her grandson she was talking about, he was normally a clean person, taking one look at his room, no one would realize it was a young boy’s room unless they paid close attention to the clothes and certain decoration he had. “would you like to go get some items now and then tomorrow as well? we have around four hours to shop since the stores close at midnight. what do you say, sweetie?”

seungmin’s eyes had a small gleam in them, showing his gratitude towards his grandparents and nodded frantically. he rushed to hug them tightly, and only then did they realize how skinny he was. chungae wondered why she didn’t notice before when she hugged him and doyen found another reason to something missing within him. _was he a child that did not eat a lot? it made sense if it were like so, he didn’t eat much at dinner._ he couldn’t help but feel like there was something beyond that, it’s his grandson, and he should feel like seungmin is doing okay but there was just this nagging in his head that said otherwise. he should talk about this to chungae later.

“okay bud, get ready and we’ll take you. don’t worry about money either, we’ll pay for you.” doyoon chuckled as seungmin scrambled to get ready, overly excited to go get things. he looked at chungae and they both had the same idea to peek at the gifts he wanted to get. their hearts warmed because he planned something for everyone, which included the grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. most of the things he wanted was inexpensive and they were both amazed because seungmin knew how to spend less and still make it meaningful. there was a stack of envelopes next to the list, which had names neatly printed on them, meaning that seungmin had taken his time to write something for everyone. they looked away just in time when seungmin popped out of the restroom all changed and they both gazed at him fondly. chungae went to go fix seungmin’s jacket a little and doyoon then cleared his throat, “ready to go now, bud?"

“ready!” seungmin beamed at his grandparents and they set on their way to the shopping center to get items he wanted. he was satisfied with what he came up with and hoped he would be able to find them. he was jittery as he got in the car with his grandparents, overly ecstatic since it would be his first time actually giving gifts. it was christmas, seungmin’s first chistmas that he could spend with friends, giving his gratitude back to them for sticking around with him despite being slightly difficult — a least in his perspective. then there were his family members, majority were not picky and would love anything but he worried slightly about his parents. he never really prepared presents for anyone, he was an amateur at this and was unsure about his ideas that he had in mind. he couldn’t help but thing that the others wouldn’t like his gift. he had cautiously planned on what gifts to give for all of his friends and family:

woojin. seungmin spent a while to figure out what to get his hyung until an idea popped into his head. the idea didn’t seem like much but seungmin thought it fit perfectly with woojin. he was going to get a guitar pick for woojin and then design it himself to make it even more special. woojin has been playing guitar for a while and maybe getting him the guitar pick will make him think of seungmin as he plays, bringing a smile upon his face. seungmin is not sure if he has that effect but he prays woojin likes it and thinks his present doesn’t lack in anything.

chan, changbin, and jisung got the same gift but altered. they got a variety of composing books an notebooks for lyrics. chan’s notebook was actually a plain white but seungmin was going to attempt to draw the little snake-like creature chan always drew on things; it was a cute drawing and seungmin hoped not to mess it up. changbin’s notebook was more of a dark theme, words did not need to describe it besides the pigment of black — maybe a little too dark, hopefully changbin wouldn’t mind little white stars seungmin is going to draw on spelling “서 창빈” so no one can touch his possession. jisung, seungmin tried to think of a sentimental theme since that’s what jisung claimed to be his style— it’ll probably be something like changbin’s somewhat dark but with an actual picture, most likely a rainy scenery or just an umbrella with some rain.

minho, hyunjin, and felix had the same thing like chan, changbin, and jisung, just more of dancing supplies rather than music. seungmin felt like it was an efficient use, and if it was redundant, maybe his letters will make up for them. seungmin had asked his grandparents if they knew clothes printing places that were quick and he was happy to hear they did because he planned to get the three dancers matching shirts but different designs with their names and year of birth on them. the shirts he chose were very durable and the color black so no sweat stains or whatnot could be seen clearly because dancing honestly always had a sweaty outcome.

jeongin, seungmin really wanted to match with him, so he got them matching bracelets. seungmin being the only child wanted to dote on the younger since he was the only one younger than him; he had to be a good hyung and just _really_ wanted to share something with jeongin because he gave him the unconscious chance of being a hyung. the younger was very dear to him and got bracelets that had the letters “s” and “j” on then to represent the first letters of their names. it isn’t much but seungmin thinks it’ll do.

he wanted to get his grandparents, both sides, what are called _couple shirts_. both older couples have been together for a long time and he thought it’d be cute for them to wear such things. he would probably wait for his other grandparents when they came and give it to his grandparents he is with now later on, before they leave. the idea was a little basic but seungmin’s little mind was set of getting them.

his aunts and uncles, there was one aunt, yoonhee, from his father's side and one uncle, hyunwoo, from his mother’s side and they were both married. he was a little baffled on what to get them because he didn’t really see them often, maybe some sweaters? clothes can’t be so bad, seungmin thinks he didn’t have bad taste in clothes at least so he got neutral colored sweaters for his aunts and neutral colored pull ups for his uncles. in a sense they can match if they really wanted to as well, the idea of matching was just fitting to seungmin because there was nothing really left out, things fit in, uniform but not.

his cousins, there was one cousin from his father’s side that seungmin had in mind to make some fun out of; that cousin was named wonpil, kim wonpil. he was a four years older than seungmin and knowing his tacky style, there was a pink sweater that seungmin knew wonpil would wear. he would also get jisoo, wonpil’s younger sister, some art supplies to use since she loved drawing, seungmin picked a few things from her and adored what she had to show. as for his other male cousin on his mother’s side, jaemin, seungmin thought of buying him a badminton racket so he can practice with more than one rackets.

next we’re his parents. oh boy where to begin with them — seungmin honestly had no idea but not getting them something would be weird — he ended up picking matching mugs that had engravings of “mom ♡” and “dad ♡” to show that he still thought of them and loved them, which he did, even with horrible treatment.

seungmin’s thoughts about his revisions of his gifts were brought to a haunt as the car stopped moving. he looked outside and he was already at the shopping center, his parents already outside of the car; doyoon rushed to open his wife’s door and seungmin’s as well so he could get out. “come on bud, let’s go get your things, let’s see if we can get all of his done today. if not, we can go tomorrow. won’t be a problem at all.”

“can we go to the clothes printing store first? just in case it might take a little while to make and whatnots.” seungmin tilted his small head towards his grandparents who automatically nodded and walked into the shopping center to lead the way. seungmin’s eyes widened, at the size. he had never really been to a shopping market as big as this one; when seungmin went out it was for nature and a place to breathe. _this_ was different. “woah...”

“it’s a large area right, sweetie? i am sure we can get all of your things here. how about i take a picture of the list you have and we split up? you can stay with your grandpa as i go looking for the bottom half of presents for the family? is that alright with you, sweetie?” chungae laughed gently at seungmin, his head bobbing up and down like a mad person to show he agreed to the plan a lot. she took a picture of seungmin’s list and went on her way to get the gifts seungmin needed for the relatives while he shopped for his friends. it was what settled in her head perfectly because she knows the family to know what they like while seungmin knew his friends; an efficient way to get things done.

seungmin looked at doyoon and took his hand, practically _ushering_ him to quicken his pace after chungae took off. he wanted to get this shopping done quick because shopping wasn’t really seungmin’s thing, it was a hassle but needed to be done especially in the season of giving.

the reached the clothes printing shop and seungmin shyly hid behind doyoon. doyoon was well aware of seungmin’s personality and ushered him to go talk to the worker since he knew what he wanted for his friends. seungmin slightly panicked at the sudden motion and began to advert his eyes anywhere but the approaching worker, trembling slightly.

“hey there, did you need something?” a female worker had bended down to seungmin’s height to interrogate him and waited patiently for his reply. seungmin glanced at her a little teary and that alarmed the girl. “oh my gosh. kiddo, are you alright? can you tell me what’s wrong?”

seungmin shook his head and looked toward his grandfather who sadly looked at the worker and said, “he has a little troubles speaking to new people. but he wants to customize some shirts as gifts. you could give him some paper and he’ll write down what he wants; i won’t be able to correctly describe his imagination of what the shirts he wants.”

the workers around the girl scrambled to get papers and a pen so seungmin could write. it was a quick process because workers always have little books to jot down the ideas customers wanted. she smiled at seungmin kindly and handed him the papers and pen, which he accepted with shaky hands. he proceeded to write down: i am sorry for my actions, i can’t really express myself well in such ways like this, people scare me. but is it possible that i can get three custom made shirts? all black and a medium size? as for the design, could i get “lmh” on the back with the numbers “98” right below it? and for the other two shirts the same thing but with “hhj” on one and “lyb” on the other, both with the numbers “00”?

seungmin handed it to the worker and she read it quickly and smiled gently at seungmin. she passed the paper to another worker to get started as she proceeded to talk to seungmin. “of course kiddo! it should be done within like, 15 minutes? would you like to wait or go shop for other things and then come back after you’re done shopping, it’ll safely be here no matter what.”

seungmin pointed out the door and the worker automatically knew what he wanted and nodded at him. doyoon looked at seungmin, proud he interacted, just a little abstractly. it’s some progress from what he’s seen before; seungmin definitely had social anxiety and doyoon wanted seungmin to break out of it slowly, a little push is sometimes needed to overcome something. his hand was grabbed by his grandson and dragged out of the store and then halted in the entrance.

seungmin was muttering little things to himself in short sentences, one of them being how he hoped felix did mind his korean initials being on his shirt and where to go next since he had no idea where he was going. glancing up at doyoon, he utter the words “stationary store.” and with that the two quietly walked to the stationary store where seungmin could buy the notebooks for chan, changbin, and jisung.

it was a fairly quick process since they all started off as plain background color, or well, seungmin happened to find a notebook with a rainfall design that was decent and a star littered booklet where he could write on later. seungmin went for a dark concept for all absentmindedly; the darkness was absorbing him, his life was a living hell and this was a discrete way to put it out there. he doubt anyone would pick it up though, black was common among designs and clothes, so nothing could possibly stand out; his grandfather was probably clueless as well and seungmin thought that was for the better.

grabbing the notebook, seungmin also picked up a white marker so he could use them to draw the little snake-creature for chan and write chanbin’s name. he’ll probably end up writing chan and jisung’s name as well to show it’s their possession. he thought it’d look cute as well so might as well make it happen.

doyoon was following seungmin and paid for the items he gave him to buy. he was actually surprised at how cheap these materials were; was there a possibility that seungmin didn’t want to waste his money? he would have gladly bought the said boy anything he needed, since they were well off but the simple things showed how much seungmin actually puts thought into something — the small things in life are essentially overlooked and seeing that seungmin wasn’t going overboard with gifts was shocking to him. his grandson was definitely one of a kind and he was delighted to have such a person in his family. he then looked at seungmin who was already glancing up at him, prepared to state their next destination to go and buy gifts.

“we have the music store left, grandpa. i am sure i can find the bracelets there too, they normally have things like such on display as well.” seungmin reached to hold doyon’s hand, who proceeded to lead the way once again to their final store, but halted as he heard chungae’s voice.

“boys!” chungae came rushing to them with a smile on her face, bags dangling in her hand to show she finished shopping. the bags were then taken by her husband who she thanked breathlessly. “aw, thank you dear. are you two almost done shopping?”

“no, grandma. we have one store left, the music store. can you help pick the bracelets while i get the get the guitar pick and composing books? also, how did the shopping go for you?”

“sure thing, sweetie! anything for you! and that shopping? it was a breeze, nice to look at things and choose accordingly. wait, where are the shirts?”

“oh, the workers said they would be done in 15 minutes, which is over by now. how about i go get them while you two go to the music store?”

“sounds good dear. we’ll see you in a little? come on seungmin, let’s get those last presents! i guess you don’t have to go another day of shopping!”

“thankfully so. shopping is a pain.”

“tell me about it, sweetie, i know.”

chungae and seungmin went on their way to the music store where seungmin was left in awe. it was a cute little store that was memorable, it had a warm aura with the light brown colors being shown through their designing of the store. it was basically a place where one could forget all their worries due to the welcoming environment, that’s for sure what happened to seungmin.

chungae was watching seungmin with a small grin and tapped his shoulder to get him out of the small trance he was in. “go pick the things you need for your other friends and i’ll make sure to get cute bracelets okay?”

seungmin nodded at her and went to go explore the composing books he saw in the corner of his eye. To balance out the dark notebooks, he went from an all-white composing books so all the boys can tell the difference between the two. they were simple composing books with different notes on them. the quarter notes were for chan, the connected eighth notes for changbin, and the connected sixteenth notes for jisung.

after picking those composing books, he wandered off to a section that had guitars. he bent down after seeing some guitar picks and chose a wooden designed one since he felt like it would match woojin. it was a warm brown with highlighted streaks of dark brown, a simple pick but seungmin would later write “woojin” on it.

he took the pick and set off to find his grandmother, who was surprisingly right in front of him, just finishing picking the bracelets. he walked to her side and waited for her to be done. She was very unaware of this so when she turned around she got shocked at seeing seungmin. “oh my… sweetie don’t do that again please? you nearly scared me to death.”

“sorry grandma, i really didn’t mean too…” seungmin has tears in his eyes forming after her statement and actions, worried that he had messed everything with his actions.

chungae was alarmed and automatically began consoling him, wiping away the tears that slowly fell. “sweetie, no. you did nothing wrong, i am still okay, don’t cry anymore alright?”

the boy nodded but still didn’t believe it but forced himself to stop crying as his grandma took his hand and walked them to the cashier to pay for the gifts they picked for seungmin’s friends. doyoon had just entered the music shop and spotted them, walking up to them with the many bags he was holding. chungae had just finished paying and saw her husband, who automatically brought out his hand to take the bags from her. he never minded holding the bags for chungae, as long as she was happy he was fine.

“alright bud, we ready to go? you need anything else?” the sound of doyoon’s voice scared seungmin but then calmed himself to shake his head. the elder two got the message and went to walk towards the exit of the store and then finally to the exit of the shopping center.

“do you need help wrapping these gifts, sweetie?” chungae looked at the bags doyoon was holding and began to become worried over the many things seungmin had to do to prepare his gifts, “we wouldn’t mind helping you if you need the help”

they had just reached the car and seungmin glanced at them, doyoon putting the items in the truck, and had a hopeful look in his eyes. “if it wouldn’t be a bother for the both of you, since you two took me shopping and spent your money on my things, i would love the help you two can give. it’ll save us some time to spare so we can have more time together.”

“of course bud, we’ll help you.” doyoon smiled at seungmin as they all got in the car to drive home and get started on wrapping gifts, while seungmin designed some things and wrote little messages.

needless to say, all letters and presents were wrapped, and the trio had a lovely time together. sohae and youngman were nowhere in the picture since they were in seungmin’s room; neither parents wanted to barge inand let the happy times stay for a little until things proceeded later on. despite that, both grandparents were a little surprised when seungmin actually presented two presents to them that they wrapped with a shy smile placed on his face. on his list, he never really specified who the presents were for, some could be inference while others not so much. It just happened that the top part of his list, that chungae went out to get was for the family. seungmin was attentive as chungae pulled out the clothes and chose accordingly to the clothes she gushed about, keeping in mind what boxes they were wrapped in. the three were happy and the next day was spent very well, his parents not acting up because they knew how to behave then. it was in that moment that things felt a little like the family seungmin desired to have, even if some of the emotions his parents had were fake, he tricked his mind to believe it was somewhat real so his mood wouldn’t be ruined.

 

(his grandparents actually teared up with the letters he had written:

 

hi grandma. thank you for being the best you are, i really wish i could see you more often but the times i get with you already i cherish a lot. i am very grateful to have you in my life and hope to grow up into a person you love, but i am sure you love me already, right? take care okay? i don’t want to hear of you or grandpa being sick later on. you two love each other, always look out for grandpa, i know he always watches out for you. i hope to find someone like that in my life but for now i will feed off the love you and many others give me.

i love you always.

your little sweetie,

seungmin.

 

hello grandpa. thank you for all you have done for me so far. you try to push me to be the better person you know i can become, i am very grateful. you dealt with my difficulty like nothing. watch out for your health, grandma’s as well okay? the house may be lonely at home but you two still have each other and that is really all that matters. i know you care a lot for grandma but still watch out for yourself, you always look out for her and her to you but you two sometimes forget to worry about yourselves even if you have another. remember to do so okay?

i love you a lot.

the little man you call bud,

seungmin.)

 

~~~~

 

it was time to celebrate with his friends, the day was christmas. seungmin told his parents about it before, which happened to land after the day his grandparents left to go back to their home. the reaction wasn’t too good. he got some nasty words thrown at him and some literal things thrown at him. just a little scar in his heart and some scratches on his arms, it was nothing big, nothing too concerning yet.

no matter what they said, seungmin was still going anyways; he had told minho before that his parents were okay with it and that if meeyon could pick him up,  considering she knew where he lived. minho said his mother would love to drive seungmin and so here he was, sitting on his porch waiting for minho and meeyon to come. he made sure all the little chocolates addressed to their parents were in there, something he had forgot about the day after shopping with his grandparents, who jollily went out to buy them for him.

a car suddenly appeared and minho popped out to get seungmin. his eyes widened when he saw the boy, rather cutely, bundled in some warm clothing and a lot of neatly wrapped gifts by him. minho was very fond of seungmin, the boy was just endearing to him, very innocent, shy at first, just cute to say. he could call seungmin his little brother if he wanted and imagined a small shy smile on his face that did not object the idea. smiling, he approached seungmin and zipped up his jacket so he wouldn’t get any coldness in him and picked up some gifts. “ready to go my little min?”

seungmin gave minho a small grin and side-hugged him since his arms were carrying his presents to the others. he picked up the other presents minho couldn’t and softly said, “of course minho-hyung.”

the two boys put the presents in the back and went to get seated in the car. seungmin greeted meeyon with a light tone and kissed her on the cheek. the said woman wad cheery to see seungmin and pinched his cheek in return. “how have you been seungmin?”

“i’ve been alright auntie. my grandparents just visited and it was nice. and the joy getting presents, _how fun._ how about you auntie?”

“i’ve been well dear, thank you for asking. i share your same enthusiasm of buying gifts. it is definitely the best thing in the worlds, but the reactions others give at the end makes it worth it.”

“definitely, smiles are always nice to see.”

the car rise was not long, minho, literally lived three blocks down on the other side of seungmin’s house, but ,one, he didn’t want to ask his parents, and, two, he had no clue how to get his presents to minho’s house since he offered to host it, with the permission of his mother of course -- they wanted celebrate christmas together in the morning and with their families in the evening. seungmin was excited to see everything, after some happy and complicated times with hid family, he wanted the warmth and happiness he got from his friends.

after the car stopped the two boys and newton went to the trunk to help carry in the presents he had into the house. seungmin was the first one there so he organized his gifts and shook his jacket off, putting it on the coat hanger by the door. he then rumaged through the presents and took the box of chocolates out that said “the lee family (minho-hyung)” and presented it to meeyon. she was quite surprised to receive a gift for the family from seungmin but accepted it warmly and ruffled his hair. minho took one look at seungmin and laughed at his locks that were sticking in every direction, meeyon has quite the laugh too, making her way to fix the young boy’s hair but her son was quicker than her. she had a small fond gaze at them, content with what environment was placed in the house with the two boys.

the front door then was knocked on, a small voice yelling _open up, please._ a voice that sounded like jeongin seemed to be speaking. meeyon rushed to open the door for the boy and there stood yang jeongin in his mighty form — he was wearing the cutest pair of pajamas and very decked in winter attire so he wouldn’t be cold — it made sense jeongin would be the next to show before everyone else, he was minho’s neighbor after all. weirdly enough, even with being minho’s neighbor seungmin would have thought jeongin to be the first one there but boy was he wrong.

minho was still fixing seungmin’s hair to make him presentable as jeongin made it in his way to the living room where they stood. Soon a force brought seungmin down to the couch, a small giggle heard as he looked up to see jeongin on top of him while minho stood there baffled. Seungmin laughed gently too, it pained him a little with the scratches on his arm but he didn’t want to draw much attention to it and cuddled the younger boy.

“innie! Its been some time!” seungmin was excited to see the boy after their break had started, bringing the smaller close to his body, creating more warmth for them.

“yes, seungmin-hyung! how have you been?” jeongin snuggled into seungmin not minding minho’s protest of ruining his efforts of making seungmin’s hair nice.

“look at what you did jeongin-ah! i was fixing little min’s hair! now i have to do it again!” minho has an aggravated tone but a small smile on his lips as he looked at the two youngest being comfortable with another.

ten minutes later the door bell rung but the three boys paid no attention to it since meeyon was already on her way to the door to invite the other boys in. the house suddenly got loud, for obviously reasons; jisung and felix made their way in, already arguing at something, while hyunjin was amused while carrying in his things, shaking his head as he followed them in. after jisung and felix set down their things, felix hit jisung because something he said, not exactly noticing the bundled up three on the couch.

minho looked up but continued to play with seungmin’s hair, he had given up on fixing it but little min looked very cute so it played off well. the said boy had fallen asleep on minho’s chest, jeongin curled into seungmin’s side; his mother got some good photos of them, nice ones to put into the scrapbook minho has made to save the memories with his friends. minho shushed the two boys who screamed, surprised by minho to which he raised an eyebrow and lightly said, “did you not realize we were sitting on the sofa? now, if you two please, i would like to keep little min and innie asleep for a little so be quiet.”

“it’s okay hyung. they woke me up once they walked in.” seungmin brought his head up and rubbed his eyes tiredly, resting his head back down on minho’s chest, wrapping his arms around minho’s torso, making himself comfortable again. “i am sure innie is awake too, he was moving slightly when i heard the door open and shouts heard.”

“yeah, they were way too loud for my liking.” jeongin mumbled and readjusted his position as well, curling himself into a fetal position back into seungmin’s side.

the two boys gulped at the look minho gave them, quite dangerous and murderous, quickly hiding behind hyunjin who did nothing wrong. hyunjin wasn’t having it and moved aside, plotting himself on the other side of minho so he could glare at the day-apart boys. hyunjin giggled softly at the scene, bringing his gaze down to the two youngest boys, cooing at them and their drowsy state. he poked jeongin’s cheek softly, emitting a whine from the small boy, and ruffled seungmin’s hair, who then held onto minho tighter, cuddling him unconsciously. something didn’t settle right in hyunjin but he chose to ignore it as jeongin got up stretching, letting a childlike noise out of his mouth, and seungmin finally rising tiredly from minho, who patted his cheeks, while seungmin curled into a ball due to the lack of warmth. minho looked at hyunjin and motioned him towards seungmin as he went to go scold the two loud boys.

“minnie~” hyunjin started and smiled once seungmin opened his tired eyes to glance where the voice came from. hyunjin’s face was close to seungmin’s and the said boy became abashed at the sudden closeness, a light pink shade adorned on his cheeks. “come closer, you look cold. i don’t want my little minnie to be cold, you could get sick.”

seungmin was a little too tired to refuse so he just scooted closer to hyunjin and curled up into his side like jeongin had done with him earlier; the only difference was that hyunjin had placed his arms around him, kind of protecting him and sharing a lot of his body heat to seungmin. he liked the thought of being held by someone, whether it be hyunjin or not, there was just a shield presented to shelter him from the incoming storm, making it as if he was not alone in the cold to deal with things. but that was the reality, him in the cold because he never wanted to present his problems; he didn’t want to _become_ the problem to others, his suffering should just stay within.

neither of the boys realized the other four were staring at them with soft expressions, and none of the four realized the other three had come until they all cleared their throat in unison. startled, felix looked back to them and did what he normally did, tackle changbin. that left jeongin to go squeeze himself in between woojin and chan, a bring grin plastered on his face. minho has pulled jisung close and they all cooed at the pair on the couch, seungmin was fiddling with hyunjin’s hand, a habit he picked up when anxious, while hyunjin had his chin on top of seungmin’s head, a little dazed expression on his face since the smaller boy next to him was quiet and waited for everyone to show up, having heard the loudness once again disrupting his peace, in a good way that is.

seungmin wiggled out of hyunjin’s grasp, who pouted at losing warmth, and beamed at the other boys who showed up. chan and woojin both had their arms spread out as he ran into their arms, engulfing the delicate boy in their embrace. changbin waddled with felix latching on him to ruffle seungmin’s hair, his hair was a popular thing among them all, it was so fluffy and soft — everyone’s was but they liked to dote on seungmin a lot.

woojin and chan both pecked seungmin’s cheek, which they got a small peck back as a greeting. everyone else gathered and did a big group hug, seungmin in the center. they stayed like so for a few seconds then detached so they can give presents.

seungmin was happy to reach out for his presents and distribute them to each of the others, which were doing the same thing placing presents where everyone will sit and exchange gifts.

“remember kids, don’t make a big mess okay? there are trash bags around, please use those.” meeyon peeked her head out of the kitchen, since she was making a meal for them all. a bunch of replies were said, meaning the kids heard her and they opened everyone’s gift to another, one by one. seungmin addressed how there was a box of chocolates for each one of their families that come with their gift as well, so they all should just bring it home to enjoy with their families.

woojin was the first to open all the gifts. he had gotten a bear figurine from chan, which was cute, chan was flustered as he told the reason why the bear reminded him of woojin; minho gave him some of the clothes he wanted, surprisingly minho didn’t get something as a prank, woojin got him something that is laugh worthy but minho will soon find out what it is along with everyone else; socks from changbin, they were custom designed; a journal from hyunjin; a water bottle container from jisung; and lotions and fragrances from both felix and jeongin. he picked up seungmin’s gift carefully, since it was in a small box, opening it, and then letting a small gasp out as he took out the guitar pick to examine it. he exclaimed he loved it and went to read the letter that was in the bag it was presented in, smiling gently with misty eyes, shooting seungmin little hearts from where he sat. 

chan was next and was happy to receive the blanket from woojin, chan secretly wanted to wrap himself and woojin in it to cuddle, he was a clingy person and he was sure woojin was well aware of it; minho and changbin got him figurines, changbin’s was definitely more of a collectors item to which minho had his jaw dropped with because changbin outdid him; clothes from hyunjin, jisung, and felix; and a necklace from jeongin, which had nice charms of “BC” on them. when he opened seungmin’s gift he chuckled, looking at the hand-drawn iconic figure he had along with the notebook that had his name prettily written on it with the music not. he then started crying when he read the letter, scrambling to pull the younger in a hug with fresh tears dropping. seungmin was not expecting chan to full on cry but he did the best to comfort his hyung.

minho opened his gifts after chan. from woojin he got a mug saying “old lee” which minho began protesting about it, stating woojin was older, woojin just cackled and retaliated that minho was the older lee between him and felix, which he couldn’t say anything back to; he got a mouse figurine from chan, minho had his bets that everyone was getting figurines; changbin gave him a plush pillow, which was once again custom made; hyunjin gave him a speaker; jisung gave him a bouquet of flowers, all alive but one since it was a plastic rose, saying “i will love you as long as these flowers live,” minho was very confused while jisung stood there wide-eyed, while felix cackled loudly at the gift, that is why no one gives their best-friend the chance to wrap a gift they will give their crush; felix wiped his tears and said there was two presents in there, one was actually jisung’s gift, which was a sweat bands, while felix’s was a hydro flask to store his water in; and jeongin gave minho earrings. minho cautiously opened seungmin’s gift with a small smile, which turned even bigger when he read the letter. he crawled over to seungmin and placed a kiss on his cheek, a mischievous glint in his eyes; hyunjin stared at the two blankly while jisungs eyes adverted anywhere but them.

changbin was the next person to open gifts. he had gotten a nightlight from woojin, which most of them snickered, teasing how it would help him and gyu sleep better at night; chan gave him a figurine, minho smirked to himself because he felt like his assumption would be correct; minho gave changbin a wallet, changbin never really had something to hold his money when they went out, it was perfect; hyunjin gave him a black hoodie; jisung gave him black joggers, he matched with hyunjin, neither wanted to get a full outfit as a present so they mixed their ideas with another; felix gave him a shirt, which he matched with; and jeongin gave him a neck pillow. changbin proceeded to open seungmin’s gift and laughed gently at how cute the younger was, he liked the aesthetic seungmin was going for and went on to reading his letter. once again seungmin’s hair was ruffled by him since he was touched by the letter and wanted to express it in the most endearing way he could to seungmin and that happened to be messing up his hair.

hyunjin was after changbin, a little anxious to see what he got, already anticipating what each person gave him. the said boy had gotten a coat from woojin, who happened to worry about hyunjin a little because the clothes he wore happened to always be light, hyunjin said it was just fashion but would wear thicker clothes to not worry him anymore; chan gave him a figurine, expected by now, the rest probably already caught on what they got from chan; minho gave him a small plushie to cuddle when sleeping since hyunjin was kind of a clingy person; changbin got him a blanket to take to school for use whenever he fell asleep, it had his initials on it to signal it was his; jisung got him shoes, he had thought hyunjin would look nice in them and he stood correct; felix gave hyunjin a hydro flask as well so the dancers could be hydrated well; and jeongin gave him an album, it was an artist that hyunjin couldn’t stop talking about. hyunjin glanced at seungmin first before opening his gift, a soft smile was adorned on his face as he saw seungmin’s intentions to make clear of who was dancing when he wore the shirt. an eye smile popped out as he read the letter, tears threatened to fall since he was a little sensitive but he kept it in as he pinched seungmin’s cheeks, the younger was conveniently right next to him so it was no problem.

jisung excitedly went to open his gifts next. from woojin he had gotten him some joggers for comfortable usage on casual days; chan got him a squirrel figurine, going off about how jisung resembled one in his own abstract way; minho gave him a beanie, one that minho actually got a matching style with; changbin gave him a customized microphone for karaoke; hyunjin got him a sweater jisung had liked but did not get when they went shopping for changbin’s gift; felix got him souvenirs from australia when he visited, jisung had whined about not getting any the years before and was happy to finally get them; and jeongin got jisung a keychain, he was always losing his keys in the mess of his room, the keychain should help big time. he was curious about seungmin’s gift, when he opened it her beamed, realizing that seungmin got similar gifts for the music based trio. when the letter was read, jisung blushed but then exclaimed dramatically how much he appreciated seungmin, who in return covered his face due to shyness while everyone gushed at his reaction.

felix was just like jisung, very enthusiastic with what he was going to get. woojin had gotten him a sketchbook, taking notice how felix drew well, he could sketch random things whenever he wanted; chan got him a cat figurine since it was the animal that the latter reminded him off; minho got him some korean books, since he was teaching him some new things here and there; changbin had gotten him a little heart plushie that had both their initials on it, changbin was blushing big time while felix hugged it close to him as he continued to open presents; hyunjin gave him a duffle bad to store his dance things; jisung gave him a whole box of hot packs to make sure his best friend was always warm; and jeongin gave him some sweatpants for dancing. felix had a hunch about what seungmin got him, he exclaimed, like jisung, how seungmin planned matching things for the dancers just like he did with the music trio. he went on to read seungmin’s letter, loudly stating how much of a pure should seungmin had to write them all individual letters.

jeongin was happy to go next in opening gifts, it was supposed to be age order but seungmin allowed the younger to go first because he looked like he was itching to see what he got. woojin got him earmuffs, stating that the younger would look cute in them, which all of them agreed with no doubts; chan gave a fox figurine because jeongin literally represented a fox; minho gave him some school supplies that could be used in the following year; changbin gave him a custom made backpack that had his initials stitched onto it; hyunjin gave him a watch so he didn’t have to hurt his neck glancing up at school to read the time; jisung gave him a robe to stay cozy after a shower; and felix gave him a onesie that he thought the younger would look cute in. Jeongin was also cautious opening seungmin’s gift like woojin since it was in a small package. when he did open it he gasped and looked at it in awe because it Wass super nice. reading seungmin’s letter, jeongin looked at him expectantly as he brought up his wrist to show the other bracelet dangling from his wrist, jeongin grinned widely after than and thanked seungmin.

finally it was his turn, seungmin couldn’t say he wasn’t anxious because he definitely was. He opened all presents carefully and smiled at every one of them because he enjoyed them. From woojin, he got some books that sounded very interesting; chan gave him a puppy figurine which he already knew why was given, everyone though seungmin was like a puppy; minho gave him small bottles of hand sanitizer, knowing how the younger liked being clean; changbin got him a custom jacket that looked nice to seungmin, it was simple in design which he really liked; hyunjin got him a necklace that had a locket, showing how it was a picture of them inside, seungmin blushed slightly at the picture, they were both smiling and had their shoulders touching; jisung gave him a dairy to writing, taking notice that the diary that seungmin had at the moment was nearly filled; felix got him some mugs to use at home, there were three mugs with one syllable of his name on each of them; and jeongin had given him a pair of shoes to wear. seungmin's heart swelled up with all of the gifts he got and thanked them all for the gifts.

“our first christmas together was a success! one down many more to come right guys?” chan exclaimed, getting a chorus of replies from the others stating how they should definitely make this a tradition.

“should we watch christmas movies now?” woojin asked no on in specific but the boys arranged themselves on the couch to watch whatever was on the television. they remained like that for quite some while, comfortable amongst another. no one but minho saw jisung sneakily go off and reach for something that was like a little leaf attached to a stick. he tip-toed towards a certain pair, minho shaking his head, knowing what the younger had in store.

“mistletoe!” jisung exclaimed loaded as it was presented above hyunjin and seungmin who sat next to another. the two looked confused, while the other five looked at jisung with wide eyes. hyunjin and seungmin glanced up after seeing everyone just star at them, figuring that it was above them, they both turned shades of red and turned to each other simultaneously, unintentionally brushing their lips together lightly due to the proximity they had. seungmin pulled away due to shock, a deep red hue was flushed against his cheeks as he avoided the gaze of hyunjin, who did not move from his position. all the other’s mouths dropped as they did not expect something like so to happen — jisung especially, he only did it for the laugh of seeing what the two would do but it seemed to go out of hand.

“boys! the food’s ready! come here and eat!” meeyon called from the kitchen. making seungmin scramble onto his feet and rush to the dining room quickly to escape the scene.

his heart was beating uncontrollably, that kiss was his first, even if it wasn’t much. their lips still touched therefore it was still deemed a kiss, at least to seungmin. he was glad it was hyunjin though, despite it being unintentional. he knows hyunjin probably doesn’t like him in the way he wants to, believing the actions hyunjin gave him only to be in a way that made him seem like a little brother to him. as devastating as it was, that was probably the outcome of it all, no one had to know of his feelings. **he got way too many feels, way too much emotion he don’t even know what's real, he just says… keep on going and he gets deeper, he gets deeper, yeah he feels like he’s rolling, he can see him, yeah he see him he don't know he just keeps on going.**

he was overwhelmed with his emotions, lost in his thoughts realizing that they would probably not fade — he was just in too deep — he then was pulled away from them as the others showed at the table. he placed a little on his plate ignoring the stares the others gave him, hyunjin couldn’t even look his way, still shocked about what happened. what a nice way to have their get-together end up as.

 

(the letters seungmin gave to the members:

 

woojinnie-hyung! i am so glad to have met you through jisung and felix. meting you has really changed my life, i hope to make more memories with you! maybe one day we can sign with another, your voice is really nice, you inspire me to be like you, i am still a little rusty with my vocals. i hope you enjoy my gift, i remember you played the guitar and thought it’d be a great idea to get you a guitar pick, though you probably have many. anyways, thank you for bing a great hyung to me, never change alright?

i love you.

from the second youngest,

seungmin.

 

channie-huyng~ did you enjoy my gifts? i thought they fit perfectly with you, especially the little snake-like creature you always draw, i tried my best to recreate it, hopefully it isn’t as bad to you. i am really glad to have you in my life, you and the rest showed me what friendship is like and i wouldn’t have asked for better people. hyung, you seriously work so hard, i admire you a lot. i know that music is going to do you well in the future, you are so passionate about it, it’d be a waste if you didn’t make it big or anything. no matter what i will always be your supporter.

i love you.

your little one,

seungmin.

 

minho-hyung, our first meeting probably wasn’t the best but look where we are now! who knew a situation like so could draw us as close as we are today! hyung, you are an amazing dancer and i really hope to see you perform one day along with jinnie and lix, wear the shirt i gave you! you guys are really powerful at dancing, i will always be your number one fan! well, i am sure the other guys support you all as well but know that i will always a fan of all of you and hope to see you in a stadium with sold out seats to see you perform! as weird as this sounds, thank you for hitting me on the head with that volleyball.

i love you.

your little min,

seungmin.

 

changbin-hyung! i know we don’t really talk that much but i really think you are awesome! You have this strong presence that draws a lot of people towards you, i applaud you from where i am. i really hope you make it big one day, hyung. make good use items i gifted you, whenever something comes to mind, just jot it down, you never know what can come out of such things. also, hyung, take care of felix please. i know you already do that but you know, i just care for him and whatnots, i care for you too of course!

i love you.

the second youngling,

seungmin.

 

hyunjin~ we haven’t known each other for long but it honestly does feel like we’ve known each other forever. i am glad i have someone like you in my life, thank you for wanting to befriend me despite some of the abnormalities i had. you are a great dancer jinnie, you are more than what you think you are to be. you may think that people praise you because good looks but show them what you really have jinnie, that you aren’t just a pretty face, that you have talent. i believe in you, make sure to wear that shirt to your next dance performance!

i love you.

your minnie,

seungmin.

 

jisung. you are an amazing person, i am glad you and felix came up to me that day, if that didn’t happen, we all wouldn’t be here. thank you for your contributions and showing me what friendship really is. we are close in age, i am honestly happy about that, we connect a lot more because of that, not making anything awkward. keep up the hard work okay? put my presents to goos use. i know you, channie-hyung and changbin-hyung can make it to stardom, you all have the potential and shine bright. hwaiting! also, please confess to minho, its a little painful to watch you with him.

i love you.

the week-and-a-day-younger,

seungmin.

 

felix! you seriously have talent, put it to good use! you know what should always be put into good use? my present! never mind that, you are an amazing person to be around, you seriously can brighten anyone’s day with your attitude and personality. thank you for wanting to become my friend, i was the boy that no one really paid much attention to, it took some adapting but here i am, with all you you guys, i really couldn’t have asked for better. so, you and changbin-hyung hm? remember to tell me all about it.

i love you.

the week-younger,

seungmin.

 

jeongin~ i hope you liked your gift. i always wanted to be a good hyung to you, sorry if i have every failed or disappointed you with my actions as a hyung, i don’t mean to but sometimes i slip. keep up the good and hard work okay, innie? i will continue to better myself as well so i can help you lots and become a stable figure that you can look up to. i am sorry if i ever annoy you, i have just don’t have siblings and took the chance to apply what i wanted to do and act like with you since you are younger, forgive me for anything i do that may make you uncomfortable.

i love you.

your hyung,

seunmgin.)

 

~~~

 

when the meet up was done and everyone left, meeyon drove seungmin home. minho wanted to say something to seungmin but refrained from saying it in case he didn’t want to discuss it. It was a little awkward after their meal, seungmin no longer sat close to hyunjin but squished himself near minho like how they were before when the others weren’t there. jisung had a guilty expression on his face as he stared at the mess he created, felix was calmly patting his leg to assure him things will get better.

meeyon and minho greeted seungmin farewell as he got out of the car and waved to them both, his presents neatly packed into a bag. as he saw the car disappear after looking back once he reach the porch, he let out a ragged breath, ready to face the wrath of his parents. he could already hear his mothers piercing voice and his fathers gruff one that was often slurred.

seungmin quickly opened the door, closed it lightly, locked it, and then rushed upstairs in his room to put away his presents so they’d be safe. he slowly turned around in his room. it was strange for him not to hear his parents right away. glancing at the time, his mother should be going to work soon while his father should be coming home soon, maybe that was why. suddenly a loud female voice was heard, seungmin spoke way too soon and prepared himself for the worst.

his mother barged into his room, furious. it was like there was steam coming out of her ears, yet a deadpan facial expression was placed on her face. It was honestly quite scary for seungmin to encounter. “you! did you have fun with your friends? do you ever listen to the rule that are placed in this household? how disappointing do you think it is to have a child that doesn’t listen to the rules? yes, that’s right. you, kim seungmin, are quite the disappointment. you never do anything according to plan, do you know how frustrating that is? i have friends who’s children are well behaved, why can’t you be like them?”

seungmin didn’t know what to say. he knew he never did things according to her rules and expectations. he knew he could never be her sense of perfect and it saddened him because without even her expectations he felt like he was pathetic, just a piece of trash that should be thrown out, forgotten forever. it was times like this where seungmin wished to disappear from it all.

“seriously. what fucking child is like you. there’s really no purpose you have, how useless. did you think the gift you gave me was something funny?you shouldn’t tell me how i should be as a parent, you know nothing. i have work soon, if you plan to go out again, don’t come back home, the house would be better without you in it.”

seungmin watched his mother walk out of his room, tears escaping his eyes, shaking uncontrollably with the statements she said. he would honestly leave but there was nowhere for him to go without causing trouble for other. _how pathetic, he couldn’t do anything right._ he let out a shaky breath as he just stood there in his room, not bothering to change his position. the sound of his mother’s car could be heard as the sound of another car in the driveway approached. his father. it couldn’t end as badly like with his mother right?

a door was shutting loudly filled seungmin’s ears, he was slightly shaking, dreading what was to come. loud and staggered food steps were heard coming up the stairs. seungmin prayed his father would pass his room, not knowing he was there. his breath was held in but that didn’t work out, his door was slammed open and there stood youngman in his slightly drunken state. he always found time to go drink and drove under the influence that can cause a lot of damage, yet that never seemed to happen when seungmin thought it would.

his father had something in his hand, it was the mug his grandmother had chose for seungmin to give to his father. why he had that was beyond what seungmin could think, but he knew something bad was going to happen, the look in his father’s eyes did not need words to express it. there was some pent up rage from the times his father couldn’t do anything to seungmin and suddenly seungmin felt chills through his body.

there came the impact. his father had smashed the mug on seungmin’s head, the mug broke and there was now a gash on his forehead where the mug hit since his father’s aim was off due to his intoxication. it knocked seungmin down since he was very light, he struggled to get up, already losing a lot of blood from the gash, slowly losing his conscious. the next things he felt through his blurry vision was pain, it seemed to be that his father was harshly kicking his body as if he were a kicking bag on the floor. he couldn’t recall much because everything then turned black.

when seungmin woke up, he winced. all he could feel was the throbbing on his forehead and aching in his body. he slowly picked himself up, with much difficulty, and stared at the dried puddle of blood that was on his wooden floors; his cut stopped bleeding and he was careful not to step in his blood or the glass pieced on the floor from the shattered mug. steadily, he picked up all the glass pieces and disposed them, ignoring the urge to scream in pain. he limped around his room to get some cleaning wipes, washing off the dried blood to make it seem like nothing ever happened.

he’d have to take his trash out tomorrow, right now what he needed was a shower to clean any wounds and then sleep, he was beyond exhausted. wobbling his way to his bathroom, seungmin peeled his clothes off and examined his body in the mirror presented to him. he couldn’t recognize the person staring back at him, their eyes were lifeless, skin very pale and littered with bruises, dried blood on the side of their face, and bones more evident than they should be. that person was him and seungmin could not fathom how this was what he came to be. he turned away and proceeded to turn on the water for his shower; he let the water splash on him as he stood still, letting the stinging of his fresh bruises and cut take in the hot water — he just stared at the red water that was going down the drain.

once he was done, he bandaged the cut on his forehead slowly and dried his body and hair to put on his clothes. stumbling on his way out, he felt drained, nothing but sleep sounded comforting in this situation. however, one thing is for sure with seungmin, he was going to pretend nothing happened and say he bumped into a sharp edge while doing something if anyone asked. no one needed to worry about a goner like him.

 

(seungmin’s letter to his parents.

 

hey mom, we had diner together for the first time in a while, it felt nice, maybe we should do it more often. what if we spent more time with another, is that too much to ask? i would like to see you around more often if anything, i miss you. Is your workload really heavy or are you avoiding me? i feel so lonely, can you take sometime off to spend with me? Is that possible? i would really like to have my mother back. also, maybe calm down a little in some situations, it’s not going to end well if you aren’t cooled down and just burst, you could fix things up with dad too…

i still love you.

your son,

seungmin.

 

dad. i know things haven’t been the greatest lately, but maybe lay off the alcohol? you’ll be able to do things a lot better and not fight with mom a lot. i believe you don’t mean to hurt me, that it’s only the alcohol in your system taking over and not who you actually are. remember the old times? when we all would smile at one another and be happy? do you think it’s impossible to get there again? are we all long gone to be a steady family like before? i hope not.

i still love you.

your son,

seungmin.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really wanted to get something christmas related out, sorry if it seems a little rushed and whatnot! i'll fix mistakes later! i hope you all still enjoy though!  
> 


	3. falling apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a time where seungmin ponders about on his life, where things went wrong, and what he feels in the moment. he begins to wonder about things he shouldn't, he couldn't help himself; being in such a situation it's hard to stay optimistic. he was a kid who didn't know much yet still knew a lot, he lacked in many things but that was understandable. it was times like this where he was really isolated, but he finally tells someone things, spills everything out really. who is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the song for this chapter is "falling apart" by michael schulte!

seungmin woke up to dull aches around his whole body. letting out a small groan, he attempted to get up but had major difficulties due to the bruises that were everywhere on his frail frame. once he was able to sit up, he sat there for a little to ponder about the things that went wrong; it seems that there were always more severe downs that follow after the ups he experiences. it was just his luck, nothing really went according to plan for seungmin, there was always a line on the ground that he didn’t see to make him trip.

it wasn’t a surprise when he found the house empty, staggering about his way through the house to the kitchen to get some food. opening the fridge when he got there, his eyes traveled around what was stored inside, nothing seemed appetizing so he settled with a banana nearby. he ate slowly and felt full as the banana was halfway done; there were thoughts about throwing it away but seungmin thought it’d be a waste so he would wrap it up and leave it in the fridge for his later meal. the probability of his parents making something to eat at home was low, they always ate when they were at work and that was it; the only large meals seungmin actually got were from school but even so he didn’t eat much of it. food wasn’t something he necessarily liked, to say. after not being fed a lot, he had adapted towards the limited eating style: anything more than a bowl wouldn’t settle right in his stomach, he would just heave it up; anything in the morning or late at night, when he was lucky with his parents generosity, wouldn’t go well either. he was just accustomed to taking in so _little._

the house had an empty feeling. it’s been empty for awhile, but, after yesterday’s events, it was super evident to seungmin at the moment. the smashed mug was a prefect symbol of his family and himself: broken, fragmented, beyond repair. he wondered what his life would be like if his family weren’t like so, he would have been happy, not in the state he is in at the moment, living the life that children should, _but_ living toyed with him and many others, stripping them from a well needed and deserved childhood. innocence was shattered and could never be gained back again.

his thin hands were covered in an oversized sweater, hiding the bruises that were splattered around them. looks like he’ll only be wearing long sleeves to hid them from everyone else; there was an option of makeup but his ten-year-old brain was not going to go through that process to get such things. it was a hassle, and even more of nuisance to possibly use some from his mother; if she figured out she wouldn’t be happy hearing that her son, who she really doesn’t see as her son, use such expensive product on his worthless self. good thing it was winter, no one could question his choice of clothing since it was _freezing_ outside.

the young brunet let out a sigh, his bruises will hopefully fade by the time he would go back to school. the gash on his forehead will be more evident since he could not possibly hide that, his hair was not long enough and make up or prosthetics were not an option. this was his life now, hiding about with the cruelty life gave him. he just prays that he can keep his clothing in tact, not rising up at any time to reveal the mistreatment he has gone through. he would need to be more attentive, careful not to let anything slip.

the sound of the front door startled seungmin. his mother walked through the door with several bags in her hand, phone on her shoulder as she was taking to someone. he walked towards his mother quietly and took some of the bags out of her hands, freeing them, so he could put them away, ignoring the pain that shot through his body. sohae stopped talking through the phone for a second and then recollected herself through the shock she had with seungmin’s actions. she carried on and went back outside to get the other bags. seungmin faintly heard mentions of the names of his aunts and uncles being said through his mother’s lips; more family visits are coming. seungmin neatly packed the items sohae bought in the pantry as she returned back with more bags to organize, still on the phone, with who seemed to be like hyunwoo, her older brother.

“you’ll be here in _thirty_ minutes? wait, yoonhee is coming too? did you two plan to visit at the same time or something? i’ll get up the guest rooms, the kids can stay in seungmin’s room if anything, i am sure four kids in one room isn’t so bad— okay, i will see you soon, bye.” sohae put her phone down and looked at seungmin, their eyes meeting as he went to grab more of the bags to put away. in a stern voice, she talked with full authority, “clean up your room after this, go shower too. _got it_?”

seungmin nodded, not trusting his voice in this situation and continued to put things away as the adult went around the house fixing it up a little and get the guest rooms prepared. he organized the refrigerator and followed his mother’s commands, going up to his room and cleaning up the little things; his room was always clean, he couldn’t stand messiness, it made him more suffocated than he normally was. when he thought his room was clean enough, he went to his restroom to prepare his shower.

it seemed like _déjà vu_ , this shower was just like the one last night: seungmin was staring at the lifeless creature that stared back at him in the mirror, bruises all over his body like it were a blank canvas that just needed to be covered with the darkest hues possible. this was becoming normal for seungmin, it no longer fazed him with the marks all over, the loneliness that was portrayed in his eyes along with sadness and hopelessness. he shook his head, taking off the bandages that had dried blood on them and stepped into the cold water. the coldness made him shiver but he soon grew accustomed to it, just like how he became established with the revulsion he got from his parents often now.

there are saying of how showers are a time where inner thoughts are surfaces and those sayings are nothing but true. seungmin’s mind was wondering all about, everything was so jumbled up that he forgot that there was water hitting his face, his cuts, his bruises. he was so lost in his thoughts that he just stood there thinking about his life, reminiscing about the _old times_ : he was five and wrapped in his mother’s arms, a mother’s warmth was always one of the best things since they was most likely the figure who took care of the children if anything, and his father was across them, watching them with happiness evident in his eyes and smile; they were happy then, a small little family with no problems, nothing to worry about… please bring him back to those times. he still didn’t know what happened to make his parents turn on each other, turn on him too.

tears were actually running down the small boy’s face, he didn’t realize due to his exposure to water. slowly, he was brought back to his awareness and quickly cleaned himself so his mother wouldn’t get mad at him for taking too long. worst thing to happen was her screaming at him, but with his timing, his aunts, uncles, and cousins were probably at the house and his mother is in the kitchen cooking. stepping out of the shower, seungmin dried himself and put on clothes slowly, it was still quite painful for him to move but he would have to deal with it since no one should figure out. he inspected his gash on his forehead and sighed before putting ointment on it and patching it back up, already rehearsing what he would say to his kin who were visiting for a little.

he took his time exiting his room and going downstairs so he could make sure his walking was normal; voices were already heard, signaling his family was already there. suddenly a figure jumped right in front of him, frightening him to bits, stumbling back, falling to the ground, staring at the figure in front of him with doe-like eyes. there stood wonpil, laughing about, while jaemin and jisoo rushed to pick seungmin up, examining him for any serious injuries.

“oppa that wasn’t cool, what did minnie ever do to you?” jisoo shook her head, cradling seungmin close to her like one would to a baby to protect them. seungmin was the youngest out of all of them, jaemin was older than him by a nudge, nearly a month.

“yeah hyung. just like your _tacky_ taste in clothing, your humor matches well with it.” jaemin shrugged as wonpil gave an offended gasp, jisoo giggling, and seungmin giving an amused look to the oldest of them all. jaemin ignored wonpil’s statements of otherwise about his style and humor, hugging seungmin, creating a little group hug with him and jisoo, nuzzling into seungmin’s neck, there was a faint sting but it was bearable to seungmin; he’s definitely felt worse. jaemin squished seungmin a little, a small yelp was unheard as jaemin went on to say “the two min’s have finally rekindled, going strong as ever, jisoo-noona with them, while wonpil-hyung got lost somewhere along the way, but that’s _okay_ , we’ll all do _fine_ without him.”

seungmin muffles he laugh, sending little shocks of pain through him, while jisoo is full on laughing now; wonpil looks like he’s blowing some steam but tries to calmly recollect himself since he is the oldest and should know better with how to react, the rest are kids after all. well, jisoo would beg to differ since she’s only a year younger than wonpil, and the two youngest would argue that being four years apart isn’t much of a gap, though it might as well be in some cases, _especially_ if it was to tease the eldest. it was just a common thing within their family, the teasing and kinship was really evident between the cousins. once they were together, they made an interesting group: it was a weird mixture of tacky, artistic, sporty, and intelligent.

“nana, you do know that i am older than you right? i have all the power here, you should definitely respect me at all cost before something bad happens.”

“ _pft_. you, hyung? if you call having all authority telling my parents later then, by all means, be my guest. that’s just you being uptight and a snitch, what power you have, right?”

“oh man, oppa— he got you good. our little nana is going to make it places.”

seungmin watched them all with amusement dazed in his gaze, his injuries suddenly unnoticed due to his adverted attention. oh how he missed his cousins and their bickering— it really gave him a sense of a sibling bond he never had, jaemin was an only child too but he practically kind of saw wonpil and jisoo often since they lived close to another, while seungmin, on the other hand, was not near them at all. it saddened seungmin that he didn’t have such a dynamic with them but he time he does spend with them, when either visits, always makes up for it.

“well look at all of you guys. it is like you all have been together all this time, time apart really doesn’t hinder the bond you all have at all.” eunbi, hyunwoo’s wife, jaemin’s mother, and seungmin’s aunt, called out as she went to see what the ruckus was. their bickering could be heard from the living room; she couldn’t help but laugh at the situation she found all of them in, three were snuggled up together on the floor while one didn’t look like they were having it.

“well, they’re pretty well off with their interactions, none of them harmed each other _yet_ , though it seems like wonpil is close to smacking one of them.” hyunwoo wrapped his arms around his wife’s waist and laughed at wonpil’s sayings of protests.

“uncle! _sweet geez_ , what is today? attack wonpil day?” wonpil whined out. he was not having it, a frown was plastered on his face with the repeated sayings of him being mad, not realizing that he was exactly acting out how others wanted since his reactions were really amusing to those around him. “man, today is not my day, i was looking forward to spending time with all of you.”

seungmin arose from his position in jisoo’s arms, agony arising again as he went to hug wonpil, feeling bad at the constant family-like teasing that was place on him — jaemin found himself in jisoo’s arms now but didn’t mind, he was a cuddly person. seungmin was at wonpil’s shoulders so he arms wrapped around his torso, looking up at him with big eyes and then shoving his face into the elder’s shoulder, mumbling “sorry hyung, i don’t think we all meant it in the way you portrayed it as, we didn’t want you to feel attacked or anything. It’s just normal nature for all of us no? whenever we all meet, there’s always teasing, please don’t take it to heart.”

“wow, someone cut the onions here, that had to be one of the cutest and heart-filled things i have heard in a long time” jaekwang, yoonhee’s husband, wonpil and jisoo’s father, and seungmin’s uncle made an appearance after hyunwoo and eunbi disappeared for too long, wanting to check if anything happened between the kids.

“that’s because you are kind of a _sap_ , honey. you get emotional over the slightest things but i felt it too since seungminnie is a little cutie.” yoonhee appeared behind her husband, wanting to see if wonpil and jisoo were behaving themselves. everything seemed alright as jisoo was holding a little jaemin in her arms, wonpil and seungmin embraced in a hug. she laughed at the resemblance the two boys had, it was a little scary but she presumed it was just family genetics that played very well since both boys weren’t so bad looking. it was a motherly instinct to say her son was handsome but she felt like every one of the children presented in the household as of now would group up to be very dashing.

“oh wow, look at this little reunion, it’s so nice to see you all!” a gruff voice was heard from behind all of them, seungmin knew that voice all too well, it was his father who had just gotten off of work. youngman looked around the adults and kids, looking at seungmin with eyes showing a silent message of _don’t let anything slip_ be conveyed quite clearly. the boy understood and gave a stiff nod to his father who turned his attention back the the other adults as they let the children be with one another.

“so minnie, i heard from grandma and grandpa that you made new friends and that you seem really fond about one of them—“ jaemin went on and shot an eyebrow as seungmin’s face flushed at the mention. of course his grandparents would say something, but him being really fond about one of them? he was fond of all of them, unless they picked up on his liking towards hyunjin, he probably made himself obvious that they guessed correctly. _nice going kim seungmin, what a way to kind of come out to your grandparents._

 _“what?!_ seungmin, theres someone you like?! and we’re now just finding this out?” jisoo exclaimed, a little flabbergasted with the new information she was taking in, the redness in seungmin’s cheeks said all.

“woah, the baby’s got someone? how sad, he’s doing better than i am—“ wonpil muttered under his breath after hearing news about his little baby cousin.

“i… you see… well… um…” seungmin didn’t know what to say, he didn’t exactly know how to tell them that he wasn’t so into girls, he was beyond hesitant but if his grandparents took it well, since they assumed things with correct intentions, would his cousins also be like so? he would hope. taking a deep breath in he replied uncertainly, “p-promise me y-you all won’t make a h-huge deal out of it…”

“min, you’re stuttering… you must really like this person or something?” wonpil hasn’t hear his cousin stutter in a while, at least to him, sure he’s heard it when the younger talked to people he didn’t know, but something told him that this was something very important to listen into with and be understanding. he made eye contact with his sister and jaemin, glancing back at seungmin stating, “we won’t make a huge deal out of it min, just comfortable say it, we’re family.”

the younger shied with all the eyes on him but mustered up some courage since his grandparents already knew, his cousins should be able to know without a problem. he licked his lips and announced in a bashful manner, “w-well… all my friends are guys…”

“wait… _wait_ — you like boys?” jaemin stared at him wide-eyed. this was one of the reactions seungmin was not hoping for; he feared the rejection. jaemin seemed to finally realize his mistake with his outburst as the kim siblings glared at him, although they too were surprised with the sudden information. he saw seungmin’s misty eyes and began to panic, “no, minnie! that’s not what i meant! …but since you came out clean, i guess i should too… _i like boys as well_ -“

the kim siblings were a little baffled but their eyes softened as the two youngest brought one another into a firm embrace, grateful to not be the only one that was not of the norm of things. but then wonpil coughed, interrupting the moment slightly, jisoo looking at him as well, knowing what he was probably going to say, they were siblings after all. “i guess, i should say something too? i don’t just like boys like you two but girls as well. i never really minded gender, i cared more about personality and how they would treat me. don’t _ever_ be ashamed of such things okay kiddos? don’t listen to other people who opposed you, find your happiness.”

jisoo’s heart was warm with the scene she was seeing, happy that they all trusted on another to say certain things like this. she touched the youngest’s shoulder, smiling gently, raising an eyebrow in a question, finally asking, “so minnie, tell us about him?”

seungmin his his face in his sweater paws, a little embarrassed to be in this situation. it would be like a school girl who gushed about their crush to her friends. his cheeks were definitely a red violet, pretty in shade but a dead-giveaway. he even got jisoo to pinch his cheeks, making them more pink, but a cool sensation was felt since his red cheek produced some heat, lessening his blush. “do i have to...? i mean, why is this interesting? it’s kind of just a crush, and normally these fade and don’t end up well. i’m not even sure if he likes guys as well... he attracts a lot of the female population at my school... but it’s not often he pays attention to them?”

“min... you never know until you ask...” wonpil frowned at the younger’s confusion, caressing the boys chubby and soft cheek. there was just something deep within him that says their relationship was a long one. he glanced up and both his sister and other cousin was giving concerned glances who were equally as concerned.

jaemin frowned at the younger, bringing him to his side, cuddling him and patting his head, a sigh escaping his lips. “minnie… you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but like, really we just want to see if this guy is good or not- you mean the world to us and it’s just our protective sense being activated.”

seungmin let himself be engulf by the boy who was older by a month. he could see from his peripheral vision wonpil and jisoo nodding their heads at jaemin’s statement. a little puff fell from his lips as he processed s few things. “well... at first, i didn’t think much about it until my group of friends and i went out for my birthday. that day, my crush, whose name is hyunjin, spent that day right by my side. we were physically close to another— i found a _comfortness_ in him. my stutter faded the quickest with him, there was just something about him that i felt, which didn’t process fully until the end of the day; i didn’t realize until then that i liked him. like we are pretty close with another... this past christmas—“

seungmin began to have a light shade of pink delicately adorned on his face as the recall of christmas flashed through his mind, he was definitely a little flustered and the cousins could tell but chose to stay quiet until the boy finished “— well this christmas, i was a little more than close with him? like um... i was sleeping on one of my friends before that but then they needed to get up so he kept me warm, i felt safe in his arms...”

seungmin let out a shy giggle with what he was about to say next, wondering about the reactions of the others, “and then later on in the hang out session, a friend of ours thought it be interesting to see our reactions if a mistletoe was place above us, and uh- at first we were confused since we didn’t know it was above us and then looked up to see it, turning towards each other and our lips _may or may have not_ brushed against another...”

seungmin watched as jisoo let out a small squeal, how wonpil’s jaw dropped, and jaemin pulled away from him to give wide eyes. the brunet shook his heads at his cousins reactions, kind of expecting it to be like so, and then continued on. “we kind of just ignored each other’s presence after that... i feel like if i were to see him anytime soon i would become panicked or be hurt because he’s most likely going to ask for us to forget it happened or something. maybe we won’t even bring it up, but it will definitely impact how we react around another...”

“i guess... we’re just going to have to wait and see what happens? oh man, it might be hard updating each other with this situation, we all don’t have phones...” jisoo pouted at the realization of things, she just wanted her baby cousin to find a good partner so she doesn’t have to worry much, if this hyunjin guy takes an interest in her cousin she wouldn’t object. obviously seungmin seems to like him a lot more than he realizes; this guy kind of seems ideal if anything, seungmin was already comfortable with him on another level and thats quite hard to do with the younger, especially in a short time period.

“what about you, jisoo-noona?” jaemin looked at her with a questioning gaze, wondering if she had someone she liked or any secrets she would like to expose because family bonding time. he tilted his head as he examines her expression: wide-eyed at first, looking away right after, a pink shade painted on her cheeks. _bingo._ she’s got something.

“i l-like someone?” jisoo seemed abashed as she exclaimed so, wonpil narrowed his eyes at her because he really hasn’t heard such a thing from his sister at all. jaemin had a glint in his eyes, excited to hear more, just like how they got things out of seungmin. jisoo sucked in a shaky breath before announcing “well, he’s quite known at school and just like how seungmin’s crush is, he’s well known among the girls. i don’t think i actually stand a chance. we’ve only talked a few times and he’s quite nice, intelligent, good manners, looks are a bonus... i don’t know, i am drawn to him i guess. you all are probably looking for a name i guess... uh, oppa, don’t kill me... it’s jinyoung...”

seungmin was confused as jaemin’s jaw dropped and wonpil opened his mouth to say something but closed it as he couldn’t find words. the youngest felt a little left out since he was the only one not with the three at school but if he was there he wouldn’t have met his friends. out of instincts, he reached for jisoo‘s hand and squeezed it, helping calm some of her nerves. “i am sure things will be okay noona, the other two are just a little shocked to say, but try not to think of the worst like i am and i am sure you stand a chance. your personality probably matches with his quite well?”

“yeah noona, we were just surprised, i can actually see it happening though... you two would look very nice together!” jaemin became excited as he envisioned his noona ending up with jinyoung. he felt as if the two suited each other nicely and it wouldn’t be much of a complication within their relationship or anything if they were to actually end up together.

“yeah... i kind of just didn’t expect it to be jinyoung? i mean, i know how jinyoung is like and he isn’t a bad person, he would treat you well if you two do go out with another.” wonpil smiles at his younger sister and ruffled her hair, showing his affection and acceptance of her crush on his friend. the two min’s beamed at the siblings, eye smiles evident, but then the younger min became scared of something.

“is it possible for you all not to tell your parents or anyone else about this...? i don’t think i would be ready with saying i _like_ boys...” seungmin look down at his lap and fiddled with his hands — he didn’t think his parents would be okay with him liking boys — glancing up once he heard his mother call all of them to the dinner table since the food was ready. he looked at the others with hopefully eyes, not having a clue what he would do if his parents figure out.

“of course, we wouldn’t do such a thing! _we’re family_ and we’ll protect another when we can!” jaemin grinned widely at seungmin, ruffling the youngers dark brown locks. “thank you for telling us minnie, it’s really appreciated. but now- let’s go to the dining room before our parents yell at us.”

(dinner was more lively than before, probably because the extra people at the table, compared to when seungmin’s grandparents came over. nothing really big happened while eating, just the same process of talking between siblings and their significant others, who haven’t seen each other in a while, and the chitchat between the youngsters that go unnoticed by the adults.

seungmin still ate fairly little but no one really noticed, being too engrossed in their conversations to even pay intricate attention to the said boy. often times he just played with his food, spreading it out to make it look like he ate more than he did.)

 

~~~~

 

the parents have all gone out, stating wonpil and jisoo were old enough to watch over all of them, which they weren’t wrong but they couldn’t be able to expect what the bunch would be doing now. they were bored at home and seungmin brought up an idea to just go outside and explore what beauty comes at night; it was a nice town and neighborhood from seungmin’s experiences — having said he went out at night sometimes, feeding his adventurous side that not much seem to know about — they didn’t have to worry about much. and to that, the four left the house, estimating that their parents would come back later, maybe midnight, taking the time to catch up with one another.

“there’s a bridge that not many got to at night to cross, it provides great scenery. would you guys like to go?” seungmin raised his eyes at the others. they were putting on their shoes set to go outside, warm clothes was definitely something they made sure of so none of them would get sick and make their parents suspicious of how they ended up like so.

“you know this area best minnie, lead the way!” jaemin chirped at the younger, waiting for him to be their guide to the bridge. the kim siblings just nodded at the younger kim — even if jaemin’s surname was “na” he didn’t feel like an outsider at all, _thankfully_ — to which he smiled gently at and opened the door so they all could get out before him, then exiting himself to proceed to lock the door right after with a spare key they had.

no words needed to be said as he brought his cousins alongside him to reach their destination of the bridge, a place seungmin often snuck out to as night to just let his thoughts roam more; sometimes his bedroom was suffocating as well although it really saw all of seungmin, the real him. he was using his body so much that the aching from yesterday’s event was not present. the cousins really didn’t question it because he was known to be clumsy, but he did catch glances of their concerned eyes now and then. in the journey, seungmin kept silent, the voices of his cousins’ amazement was what to be heard. he felt a small pride swell in his chest that his cousins were already content with the scenery around them; it was for sure more countryside than their normal city life. normally kids who visit from the city to the countryside don’t like it here but he appreciated his cousins who weren’t like so.

the youngest enjoyed his cousins company, prior times he went was just out of frustration and a need to _breathe_ , this time it was more for enjoyment, and an escape for all of them. it was just more bonding time for them really, they were brought closer with this little trip with another. laughs filled their little environment as wonpil tripped on a rock, letting out a weird noise as he caught himself from face-planting into the ground. jisoo and jaemin checked if he was okay while seungmin had a small smile on his face as he saw his family helping one another.

thirty minutes later they were near the bridge and seungmin halted, looking at his cousins to see if they noticed the bridge, which they did and were in awe. seungmin giggled as they all scampered to explore a little of the area on their own, always in each other’s sight in case something happened. he went to the bridge, seeing no one there, like always since it was never really used. it was like a little secret he had and just exposed it to his family willingly because he trusted them.

a small puff came out of seungmin’s mouth, slight fog formed signaling it was definitely cold. he sat on the edge hands rested a little behind him, eyes closed as he enjoyed the light sounds of his cousins excitement. this bridge brought back some memories, most of them were of him contemplating on thoughts he really shouldn’t have. he never had the guts to do as he thought, there were times where he just really wanted to but stopped because thoughts of it being selfish. if one were to take their life there’s always the insight of it being insensitive because some lives weren’t as fortunate as others, being taking away because natural causes while this was completely voluntary. it was a very controversial topic that went both ways, seungmin saw both sides. the other side consisted of one person being strong for too long, how they managed to suffer through a lot and felt worn out from just living. most cases that end up in taking one’s life willingly normally has reports of a mental illness they cannot escape or trauma they cannot overcome. his maturity was definitely above anyone of his age category.

“you good there minnie?” jisoo’s voice was heard through seungmin’s ears. it took him a little to process how she got there, she noticed and gently laughed. “i sat down without you noticing, you were very absorbed in your own world minnie, _are you okay_?”

the younger kim gave a small smile to his elder, looking at her and then looking straight, not letting his smile fall so she’d be concerned. “i am good noona, don’t worry so much about me, i’ve been here a lot, i won’t fall or anything. maybe you should be concerned for wonpil-hyung and jaemin, they look like maniacs who haven’t lived a day outside, being amazed by everything.”

the brunette let a heartfelt giggle, wrapping an arm around the smaller, bringing him close to her side. seungmin wasn’t wrong when he said the other two looked like maniacs, they were running around to look at many things in the dark because everything seemed to look different. the city life they lead was now catching up to them since they were clueless of what actual beauty and enjoyments lies in, material goods could not compare to the natural and small things in life. they watched as the other two ran to embrace each other, yelling about their findings like complete idiots, it ran in the family it seems, or, well, at least with the two cousins. jisoo and seungmin were more of the toned down pair within the four, they were sensible and quiet to an extent.

“noona, i love you and all but, _why_ are you sitting with me? you could be enjoying your time with the other two.” despite stating so, seungmin actually made a move to curl into the older girl’s embrace, breathing in her scent and finding comfort in it. there was just something in him that he felt when he was with her, it was more of a caring nature that he seemed to lack at home, all of the three cousins visiting loves seungmin but there was just something he felt more of with jisoo. it may be that she was a female who knew how to comfort better than the guys, or it was just simply that she was his favorite cousin — neither wonpil or jaemin had to know that — he loved them all still, _but_ jisoo… he just felt more of a connection with.

“you just remind me of myself, minnie. you never really talk about your concerns, i hope you can find it in you to trust me and tell me things, i won’t reveal anything unless you want me to and i definitely won’t judge you at any sorts.” jisoo’s eyes that were looking in the distant with seungmin suddenly turned to him, slightly glossy, a delicate smile on her face. her expressions showed so much compassion that seungmin was a little overwhelmed, he‘s seen so much concern through others eyes but they never really acted upon it, not knowing much to say. the confrontation scared him a little but the older made sure to remain calm, showing him she really didn’t intend anything bad. he watched as she blinked her eyes rapidly, trying to not let the tears pooled up in her eyes fall, a shaky breath escaping her mouth. “you know, at school, there are people who aren’t exactly the nicest to me, they push me around, tease me, harm me in an way possible. it hurts, i haven’t really said anything, nothing was told to mom, dad, jaemin, or oppa. but, you, minnie, there’s something i feel that you are not exactly voicing. i don’t think that you bumped into a sharp object or anything to get that gash on your forehead, you’re clumsy but not _that_ clumsy. you’ve fooled the other two but this isn’t going to fool me. seriously minnie, i promise to keep my moth shut, it’s not good to hold it is. it was slowly killing me inside but now that i told you, weight has been lifted off my shoulders. you don’t really have to tell me though, i won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to.”

seungmin sucked in some air, eyes wavering, contemplating what to actually do. jisoo’s eyes were hopeful with his decisions, and he thought that maybe it was time to probably say something after all. he knows she keeps his word so she’s not going to tell anyone what he’s about to tell her, even if she wanted to badly, she’s going to have to respect his decision. “you… y-you promise right…? you h-have to keep your w-word on this, there i-is no telling of what i am a-about to present t-to you at all.”

“of course minnie, i definitely am going to keep my word.” jisoo replied with no hesitation. the younger boy was stuttering, signaling it was kind of something big, there was uncertainty in his tone that jisoo picked up and she made it out on her way to make the boy comfortable. her eyes scanned the premises, wonpil and jaemin were still busy exploring, too engrossed with the world around them, giving she and seungmin a good amount of time to talk about things. her heart was filled with joy since the said boy who kept a lot in would be telling his secrets to her, he trusted her enough to reveal them, proving their relationship to be very strong. as she thought about it, each younger cousin had one older cousin to lean onto. wonpil and jaemin were definitely close with another, while she and seungmin were close. some would have expected it to be the other way around, given that seungmin and wonpil look alike but that wasn’t the case at all. she knew **it is hard to let it all go, let the past just disappear, try to run time from an old life.** it was a feeling all too well that she is aware of but never spoke out about, but there is a sudden comfort felt between the two close hearts, nothing but family love and understanding is to be felt. it was like how **they don't talk, they’re not enough and the storms slowly arrives, when the light turns and the cold times arise** where everything just collapses.

“m-my school life isn’t r-really the problem like h-how it seems to be with y-yours… my p-problem is a-at home…” seungmin began to stutter out his words, fiddling with his hands since it was his habit when he was agitated. he shifted from his position curled up into jisoo’s side and sat up straight so he could speak better, so she could hear him clearly instead of little murmurs she would have to decipher. after finally being comfortable, he replied in a more steady way, “mom and dad aren’t the nicest to say…”

once those words left his lips the older girl felt a sadness cloak her; not once would she have guessed it to be her aunt and uncle that were the cause of there youngest cousin’s dismal outcomes. she could no longer see them in the same light and she didn’t even know the full story yet, they caused distress on the one person that did not deserve such a thing. seungmin had always been the little shy boy that was very soft and fluffy to her, she doesn’t know how long he’s been holding up this fake happiness. sometimes a person would excel at not showcasing their feelings, that was seungmin: he would always have a small smile on his face whenever someone saw him, there was no pain evident in his expressions whatsoever. it scared her how good he was at such an age, it was quite concerning, but she couldn’t say much about the situation, she was the same as him. wonpil and jaemin definitely see she is off at sometimes but she quickly recollects herself so nothing seems suspicious. for the poor boy to act this way, she can’t imagine what he’s been through but she’s about to find out.

“mom always yells at me, calls me things, tells me how much of a disappointment i am, how useless and pathetic her son is. it hurt, how could it not? i start to believe her words and it’s killing me sometimes, it’s something that pops up often for me to think about, creating this person that i no longer know, listening to a person who i no longer know… i recently wrote a small letter expressing some of my thoughts to her about her treatment and what i wished would happen with the family to see if her eyes would open, for a realization to happen. she won’t say any of those things for now, as long as you all are here she’ll act as if she’s been a caring mother all the time. like when i met my friends, minho-hyung and jeongin, she was fairly nice. it was weird but i wished to have the experience of her acting like my mother willingly again. the transition from two years ago to now is quite shocking, it is from loving to ultimate dissatisfaction like nothing. i wish nothing else but to have my mother back to who she was two years ago.

“dad… he um… he actually hurts me. that’s why there’s a gash on my head… he smashed my christmas present on my head. there’s more to see on my body but those are too ugly. you shouldn’t see them noona, it’s not a pleasant visual to look at, something like that never is. he drinks a lot now, he gets violent when he is drunk, i don’t like it. he hasn’t hit mom, only me, i guess i rather have it that way… the only thing he does with mom nowadays is fight with her. they never see eye-to-eye anymore, they don’t talk to another unless they have company, like how you call came today. this is really the only time they will be interacting with another that isn’t shouting. i don’t know what i do to anger him to make him want to hurt me, i guess i am just an easy target, an easy punching and kicking bag for him to use. i also wrote him a letter, i don’t think he paid much attention to it though...

“I just miss my parents. the only time i am treated well now is when others are around, only that. it’s like they want a good image but that’s way beyond reach now, things are escalating quicker. i know what they do is wrong but i can’t help but not want anyone to report it, they are my parents… i love them even if it seems as if they don’t love me. it’s painful, it’s excruciating. there’s a hole in my heart that cannot be mended, they each hold a semi-circle, only together can they piece me up but i feel as if that won’t happen, that i am just going to be stuck like this. i am stuck in a void with no way out. there’s a helplessness that consumes me.

“you are the first to know all of this, none of my friends know. and frankly, i _don’t_ want them to know. they’d constantly be worried and i don’t want that although that’s one of the reasons why friends exist. i just feel like it’d be a burden upon them, i feel like it’s a burden on _you_ , there’s just something nagging in my head that says keep it to myself, not to draw attention. i don’t like the attention whatsoever, it makes me panic, it makes me feel as everyone is judging me, it makes me feel like i am _different_ , in a bad way that is. this is what my mind has come to, i feel as if i shouldn’t tell because it is really not that big in my opinion. i mean, yeah, it’s not right but there are worse cases, this is just a toe dipped in the water. yes, i get hurt, but, if i keep quiet i still see my parents. that’s the main reason why i refrained myself from saying something. so, you won’t tell anyone like you said you would rights… i know it’s a lot to take in…”

to say jisoo was perplexed was an acceptable emotion. seungmin had just poured his problems to her and she knew it was bad but she couldn’t fathom her baby cousin going through this alone. she was a little relieved that he finally sought out to tell someone, and out of everyone it was her, she felt special to him, and that she was. she was also amazed by his terminology, must be from all the books he’s read, _he was definitely going places._

she didn’t really say anything in reply to seungmin besides a small _yes_ as she kissed his temple and gazed at him with a fond look in her eyes. seungmin was expecting pity but his cousin proved him wrong and showed him silent comfort. sometimes, in his opinion, the best type of comfort was through silence. some may find it to be uncomfortable but he thought otherwise. he was normally a quiet person, maybe that’s why, but the presence of someone next to him through tough times gave satisfaction to him.

the female finally brought herself to say something, she opened her mouth and said it in a soft tone to the boy after a few minutes of silence passed. she took that time to construct a saying, “ **we were running out through the storm, through the night. we were running in the dark, we were following our hearts, and we would fall down and we would slowly fall apart. we would slowly fall into the dark.** yet, despite everything, our hearts found ease in another, exploring the darkness that will lead into a light one day. when you have anything you want to speak of, please tell me. when we get phones, if you don’t because your parents are whack, no offense minnie, then i will try to get you a phone so we can be in contact okay?“

she brought her pinky up for him to lock with her. as childish as it seems, seungmin let out a small giggle as he linked his smaller pinky with hers, she grinning widely at him. the small moment was then ruined by the other pair of cousins, stating that they all should head back so they can be assured in the house before their parents got home from their little gathering. the now well acquainted cousins nodded at the idea and seungmin led them back home. along the way, he and jisoo let the wonpil and jaemin ramble upon what things they saw in the area at the bridge. although they didn’t contribute to the conversation they paid attention to it and let the excitement of the other two flow out.

(they made it just in time for them all to change their clothes, brush their teeth, wash their face as well as anything in their nightly routine, and snuggle with one another on seungmins bed. the kim siblings were the protectors of the younger ones and pulled the youngers close to them so they’d be in a spoon position. surprisingly the four of them did fit in his bed, it was a snug fit but it brought them warmth so it wasn’t so bad. they all fell asleep soon after they arranged themselves on the bed, seungmin cuddling with jisoo, jaemin cuddling with wonpil.

the parents came home ten minutes after the children settled themselves down to sleep, yoonhee and eunbi couldn’t help themselves and took some pictures of the younglings bundled up together. the flash and noises woke seungmin up a little since he was a light sleeper, shifting around slightly, which caused the two women to freeze automatically and quickly but quietly rush out the room so they could sleep as well, joining their husbands in the separate guest bedrooms set up . and with that, the house was quiet, sleep overcoming everyone after an eventful day.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, seungmin's cousins are wonpil (day6), jisoo (bp), and jaemin (nct).  
> anyways, hopefully this wasn't a bad chapter to read... have a good morning/day/night wherever you guys are!  
> 


	4. alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some of seungmin's assumptions are proven right, they were inevitable. a lot of thing happen on new year's eve, onto the first day of the new year. seungmin reacts in a certain way, showcasing his thoughts to himself, still not quite open about things he felt despite telling jisoo a lot of things priorly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is "alive" by sia! lowkey kind of obsessed with this song...

**he was born in a thunderstorm, he grew up overnight, he played alone, he played on his own, he survived.**

the past week consisted of seungmin spending time with his cousins. nothing big really happened after he spilled everything to jisoo, she kept her word and remained the only one to know about what he went through. she was more cautious of him, he could definitely tell but he gave her small smiles of assurance when he noticed her worried glance at him every now and then. she kept it subtle so wonpil and jaemin wouldn’t notice, he was grateful for that, but he didn’t think they’d notice either way... they weren’t the most observant people in the world to exist.

it didn’t get interesting again until the eighth day of the kim's and na's visit, when everyone went to the market together, getting ingredients to cook for the new year’s eve meal. the kids all followed one set of parents so they wouldn’t be bored or anything, they happened to follow jaekwang and yoonhee. the kids were cluelessly walking through isles, seungmin holding on tight to jisoo’s hand while jaemin held wonpil’s, following the adults, taking in their surroundings, and staying close to another. it wasn’t until a familiar voice popped up that sparked the flare.

“seungmin is that you?” the voice cut through like a knife going through butter. it seemed to be surprised, unsure if it was seungmin until the said boy turned back, tilting his head to see the person. they were dressed in dark attire that made perfectly good sense, it was changbin. widening his eyes since he was correct he proceeded on. “oh it is you! oh um- was i interrupting something...?” the older felt and saw the looks the other three were giving him, making him a little uneasy, as seungmin tired to process the situation.

“oh changbin-hyung! are you here doing errands?” seungmin smiled at the latter, approaching near so they wouldn’t have to shout or anything to be heard. jisoo was hot on his trail along with wonpil and jaemin, who realized the other two weren’t as close by anymore. yoonhee and jaekwang may panic a little but the kids weren’t so far away, they’d probably notice the kids weren’t around with the absence of chitchat and go on to calmly find them since it was a normal child action to do, just wander about.

changbin felt a little intimidated, the girl who seungmin was with gave him an intense stare, overprotectiveness overflowing out. it was obvious the two were close, changbin couldn’t help but feel a little saddened by this, he couldn’t help but think about hyunjin and how the pairing he grew fond of might not happen since seungmin was not into guys it seems, though he seems perfectly fine with the idea, seemingly because the way woojin and chan interact, same goes with jisung’s very evident crush on minho, and felix’s clinginess towards himself (not that he minded though, the boy was a literal sunshine in his life and he didn’t want to change any of that). finally, he mustered up his voice to reply. “yes, i am out with my mother. she asked me to find something and i just happened to spot you as i was trying to find what she needed.”

seungmin let out a small _oh_ and nodded understandingly. he suddenly felt jisoo squeeze his hand, as well as her eyes and two other set of eyes looking at him. he widened his eyes, just realizing that this interaction might be a little awkward, and very menacing since his cousins’ overprotectiveness was leaking out since he saw the older shift uncomfortably. taking the situation into hand, he introduced them to another so things don’t end up on the wrong side. “um, this is jisoo-noona, wonpil-hyung, and jaemin. they’re all my cousins, they happen to be visiting for the new year.” he goes pointing at each person respectively and then turns back to changbin to introduce them to another, “guys, this is changbin-hyung, he’s my friend i made this year.”

changbin tries to contain his surprise, bowing down to greet them properly, a small smile tugged on his face with the possibility of the pairing he’s become fond of happening in the future, hopefully sooner than later. as he brings his head back up, keeping his mutual face, he curses at himself slightly with the jinx he probably set, lightly tapping on himself. _knock on wood, changbin. knock on wood._

it was like seungmin had a special effect on his cousins, the overprotectiveness that clouded in their eyes faded as they looked between changbin and seungmin, smiling softly at their interactions now, knowing that changbin meant no harm. he felt like whoever knew seungmin must have felt the same way as them. for sure he was becoming protective of the younger as well, there was just so much innocence and pureness radiating off of the said boy, it would be a shame for it to go away.

changbin was about to say something else but then his mother made an appearance, calling his name out since he was taking a longer time than he should have. having looked at the direction of her son, it made sense why he was taking longer than she estimated. she had a small smile placed on her lips as she walked up to the group of children, pushing her cart with her.

just then, voices called out the names of the four children, signaling yoonhee and jaekwang took a realization they were gone. once their eyes landed on the children, they both sighed in relief, walking up to them. surprise struck against yoonhee’s face just as she was about to scold the children lightly for wandering off, seeing a familiar face she hadn’t seen for a long time. with an excited look replacing her surprised one, she exclaimed _oh my gosh._

changbin’s mother looked up, since the children were small, gasping and widened her eyes at the voice that matched upon a face she knew oh so well. changbin glanced at his with eye brows raised, the small bean being a very confused child until his mothers voice rang through his ears. “yoonhee! woah! i haven’t seen you in like… _years_ , how have you been?!”

“kaeun! it’s so nice to see you again! i’ve been well! i hope you’ve been the same!” she paused for a second and then glanced at the kids, looking at changbin directly, and then back up at her friend back in college. “is this changbin?! i guess you’ve met my kids as well- well only two of them are my kids, one is my nephew, and the other is my brother’s sibling in laws’ child.”

“is that so? it seems like they’re well acquainted with another! would you... if it’s not out of schedule or anything, would you like to come to our new year’s eve party? changbin’s other friends and their parents are coming, there was one i couldn’t get a hold of because i didn’t have their number but i believe it’s one of these young boys over here.” kaeun eyed the children, hopeful that the child whose parents she couldn’t reach was in the little group by them.

“that seems like sohae and youngman... those two are always working. so i believe the grind of your son would be seungminnie here, speaking that jaemin doesn’t really live here but near the city, close to the kids and i. and i am definitely going to attend! i haven’t seen you in literal _years_ , we _need_ to catch up. i’ll go ask seungmin’s and jaemin’s parents too, it’s okay if they can come as well right?” yoonhee asked her long time friend with a hopeful tone, jaekwang chuckling at her actions, thinking she was cute, whilst he was watching the children as the two interacted.

“of course! it wouldn’t be a bother! man, i wouldn’t have guessed i’d run into you here but what are the odds, here we are! let’s exchange phone numbers, yeah?” kaeun chirped, giving her phone for yoonhee to put in her number, yoonhee doing the same to kaeun, wide smiles on both of their faces for being reunited together again.

“alright, i’ll see you later today! text me your address and something you aren’t cooking, along with what the others are bringing so there isn’t a repeat in food!”

“will do! changbin, sweetie, let’s go to the cashier, we need to go home and arrange things for the party later, make your room presentable too.”

the said boy nodded at his mother’s sayings and turn to the others, a small smile, with some teeth showing was given to them. “i hope to see you guys later, bye!”

the kids watched as yoonhee happily went on shopping for the rest of the time-being, jaekwang smiling affectionately behind her back. some would call him whipped, exactly what it was, while others were quite envious of such a relationship, desiring to have something cute and stable like so. the chances of them going to the party later on was a split of fifty-fifty each. seungmin desire to go, not only for his aunt's happiness but for seeing a friend again, bringing him comfort on another extent that his family could not give.

 

~~~~

 

how his parents agreed to this, seungmin had no idea. he guess it was because yoonhee was the youngest and youngman couldn’t say no to her, her aegyo game strong after man years of living with him, knowing what actions were his weakest points. it’s funny how his father cared about his family but was otherwise with the family he created, but what can seungmin say, this was his life now, he would just have to deal with it.

they were standing in front of changbin’s house, each female parent carrying separate dishes to contribute to the food for the party. it was another surprise for seungmin, his mother was the more reluctant parent but for her to easily give into making something was a shocker to seungmin. he probably shouldn’t have been so surprised because she probably just wanted to look presentable, like always.

it didn’t occur to seungmin until now that changbin was going to meet his parents, felix and jisung too since kaeun probably knew the boys, well, probably only felix but felix probably dragged jisung along. it wouldn’t be a bombshell if that was the case but seungmin knew nothing so he couldn’t do anything but make scenarios.

**he had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go, where the wind don't change and nothing in the ground can ever grow, no hope, just lies.**

he was scared of what was to come, automatically taking jisoo’s hand, who happened to be right next to him. this action made her look at him with concern, his hand was quite shaky which was never a good sign, the younger has panic attacks often, it seemed as one was about to rise. she automatically rubbed the small of his back for comfort, eyes sending telepathic messages to the boy, who nodded slowly understanding what she was trying to say, _calm down you’ll be okay._

boy was he grateful for her. as the door opened, he held her hand tighter, as it revealed changbin, felix clinging onto him. it was a normal sight for seungmin but still couldn’t help but feel subconscious since his family was now with him, this was the first impression everyone is getting of them.

changbin greeted them kindly, felix slowly detaching himself to see who it actually was. he was happy to see seungmin, beaming and proceeding to hug the boy “minnie-“ he started, stepping closer but stopped as jisoo brought the latter closer to her, analyzing that the boy who she didn’t know would probably hurt seungmin with his bone crushing hug, since his bruises were still healing. felix frowned at this, seungmin shot him an apologetic smile as his family members walked in as kaeun ushered them to do so.

the house was lovely and huge, nicely decorated and homey. seungmin took one look around changbin’s house and automatically paled, he wasn’t expecting everyone to be there. woojin, chan, minho, hyunjin, jisung, and jeongin were staring at seungmin, who automatically hid behind jisoo.

changbin and felix walked back to sit with the rest, felix just as confused as the rest; changbin chose not to say anything because he wanted to see how it would end, call him cruel but he was really curious. he knew the others were confused and it seemed like seungmin wasn’t going to say anything soon. he glanced around to actually pay attention to what the others reaction was, they were all just expecting seungmin but got surprised with three other people as well. they were all to busy staring at the boy and the other guests, that only changbin noticed hyunjin start to lose the excitement in his eyes that appeared when he said seungmin would be there soon when he saw how the younger clutch the female’s hand tightly, eyes staring at their locked hands and nothing else.

it seems as if the three cousins understood the situation, all looking at changbin as if they were thinking the same thing but for different purposes, changbin was a curious person while the cousins wanted to test seungmin’s friends, and so they introduced themselves.

“hello, i am wonpil. nice to meet you, i believe i am older than you all. call me hyung if you please or just wonpil-ssi if hyung is uncomfortable for you.” he glanced at all the boys, surprising them as they got a clearer view of him, having strikingly similar visuals as seungmin but he never really addressed being seungmin’s cousin, leaving them in awe.

“i am jaemin! i am wonpil’s cousin, _well_ , kind of. it’s nice to meet you all! i believe most of you are older than me? i am the same age as minnie here.” jaemin poked seungmin’s side who then let out a squeak, jaemin putting pressure on one of his bruises unknowingly, automatically alerting jisoo who gave jaemin a glare and pulled seungmin closer to her, making the group of boys even more curious about their relation, considering seungmin instinctively got closer to her, jaemin sticking his tongue out at the boy for the scene he caused.

“and i am jisoo, wonpil is my brother. it’s nice to meet you all, we heard from seungmin about you all, i hope you all treated him well, he’s a special one.” she said it her soft tone, laughing gently at seungmin’s little whines that everyone heard. she brought seungmin in front of her to greet his friends, to which he let a small wave happen, a gently greeting that matched jisoo’s soft one, bringing himself back to stand by her side, taking her hand again, looking at the floor with the discomfort of all their eyes on the two. everyone’s brain went on haywire, watching the two, wanting to know what was up with them even more now. however they pushed their thoughts back and introduced themselves back to the newcomers.

seungmin wasn’t stupid, he knew what they were doing when they didn’t imply the were his cousins. he knew he was getting stares from all friends but changbin and should do something but he wanted to see how his friends would react. it was something changbin and him had in common unconsciously.

just as one of the boys was about to break the silence, all the parents came in to check in on them, stating the food was all set up and it was a self-serve thing, if they were hungry they were to get food by themselves.

the boys were trying to guess which parents belonged to who — well, jaemin’s was obvious since they went up to him and ushered him to get food — but stumbled on who was seungmin’s parents since there was also the parents of jisoo and wonpil. it soon became evident when yoonhee teases jisoo and seungmin.

“you two are cute together, aren’t they sweetie?” she said, turning her attention to jaekwang for a second then back to the two cousins. she cooed at the two of them and patted jisoo’s cheeks, who smiled in return.

“ahhh auntie...” seungmin started, unknowingly having his cheeks flush, distancing himself from jisoo slightly which she lightly giggled at.

she was going to make this as believable as possible, having small guilt when she noticed the boy who had earlier introduced himself as hyunjin, seungmin’s crush, deflate, possibly because their interactions, curling himself into the two who had introduced themselves as woojin and chan. it seems as if the said boy had liked seungmin back but one couldn’t be so sure about it since there was no confirmation but observations taken in to come to conclusions. the thought of hurting the boy was not jisoo’s or anyone’s intention so out of her kind heart, she was going to stop after fifteen more minutes.

five minutes later of interacting cutely and somewhat intimately with seungmin, she noticed everyone’s sour moods, wonpil and jaemin realized too and raised eyebrows at her, silently questioning what she had in mind. she shook her head, snickering at herself with how she was the only one doing work since the two boys went to go stuff their faces with food. in the corner of her eye, she saw seungmin with his parent and slightly became concerned. they were talking in hushed voices, seungmin looking down at the floor, nodding his head.

she slowly made her way near the family, making it seem like she didn’t know what was going on and sohae and youngman straighten themselves, having more parent-like tones to seungmin. she slightly scoffed under her breath but smiled at her aunt and uncle. the brunette sensed some frustration within their body language but continued to talk to them for a little until the other parents called sohae and youngman over to have some adult time which they quickly accepted and left the children, fake smiles plastered on.

jisoo rolled her eyes after they left and dragged seungmin to the area where his friends and wonpil and jaemin were. she shook her head and loudly exclaimed for all to hear, “minnie, as the duty of your older cousin, your _family_ , you should eat. your parents told you to eat something, go get something. i’ll accompany you? maybe someone else can accompany you if you’d like.”

the reaction was something jisoo expected. none of seungmin’s friends looked like they were kicked puppies anymore, but they were like statues, all frozen (except changbin who was trying to muffle his laughter) to take in the information. wonpil and jaemin shook their heads at the boys, looking at them with amused eyes as they continued to eat. felix and jisung started choking slightly after a little, not only did they share brain cells but they were in sync with another, good combination indeed; woojin, chan, and minho were smiling widely after they cleared up their misunderstandings; and hyunjin and jeongin has their eyes wide as an owl when they understood the situation.

jisoo feigned confusion, taking in their interactions like she was a clueless gal. “what’s up with all of your reactions?”

a chorus of _nothings_ were heard while seungmin shook his head at his cousin, letting a small giggle erupt from his lips, pulling her with him to get some food. knowing seungmin didn’t eat a lot, she helped pick foods that weren’t so heavy that won’t make him queasy, while she got some food for herself too. they went back to the room the others were in, all of them eating in peace, a small happiness within all of them. seungmin's friends all took glances between seungmin and hyunjin, hoping that the two were okay with one another after their last meeting, jisung still blaming himself over the awkwardness he placed upon the boys, he obviously didn't mean a thing and the younger understood, he was and couldn't be mad about it.

(when the boys metseungmin's parents they had thought the pair was okay when they got to talk to them, it seemed as if they were strict, and that shouldn't worry them because seungmin was still the top of his class, proving them not to be a distraction at all. however, all the boys couldn't help but think of the difference between the parents of the cousins and seungmin's parents. the difference was that there was a more lively and domestic feeling with the other two families while seungmin's parents were somewhat tense, maybe it ran within the family since seungmin was hesitant within meeting them all. maybe that was the case, having to meet new people bringing an uncertainty to the table that will slowly fade away.)

 

~~~~

 

it was nearing midnight, the parents were all comfortable with another, the children getting along like they’ve known each other all their lives. this was definitely one of the best transitions from one year to another. jisoo and wonpil made themselves associated with seungmin’s older friends while jaemin was with seungmin, talking to the younger members.

while the others were engrossed with another, hyunjin made his attempt to talk to seungmin after watching him smile softly, talking to his cousin and jisung, felix, and jeongin. the smaller boy excused himself to go to the restroom a little, giving hyunjin perfect time to talk to him alone after he finished.

hyunjin stood on the right side of the door, since the left side leads back to the space they were using to lounge. once seungmin walked out of the restroom, closing the door, the taller grabbed his wrist, causing shock and the poor boy to jump, clutching his heart as he turned around to face the ravenette. his lips curled into a small smile as his voice equally as soft said “hyunjin.”

“seungmin....” the older’s tone was breathy, unsure how to use his words. it seems as if seungmin knew what he was trying to get out, smiling a little sadly at the reality he knew he’d be facing. he couldn’t help but feel a little bit bitter since friends was always going to be their title. just as he expected, hyunjin was trying to voice out his words about their accidental kiss from before. “can we... can we possibly forget about it and go back to the way before?”

the brunet couldn’t say he wasn’t disappointed, but he had definitely knew this was bound to happen, he and hyunjin weren’t meant to be together, no matter how much his heart yearned for the other, even at the age he was. he was hurting but did not express it, he’s becoming way too good with hiding his feelings. not trusting his voice, he just nodded with the most reassuring smile he could muster up because he knew it’d be shaky and he could crack right then and there if he said anything. _so is this what heartbreak feels like?_ he’s never going to fall in love again… please, he won’t be able to handle it…

hyunjin gave him a blinding smile, relief flashed over his facial features, pulling the smaller boy in his arms for a big hug of gratitude, hands resting lightly on his thin waist, near his nicely shaped hips that females would die for. seungmin shut his eyes tightly, slowly bringing his hand to wrap around the latter’s nape. this definitely wasn’t a hug that was normal between friends. it was like a bittersweet last-goodbye hug. last goodbye of them possibly being more than friends a voice in the back of seungmin’s mind screamed.

seungmin was the first to let go, he couldn’t bear being in the arms of the person he liked, accepting that they’ll never be together. there was a delicate smile reflecting off of the said boys fragile face, there was no glint in his eyes, showing how the smile quite reach his eyes, nevertheless, hyunjin didn’t catch it because seungmin walked off to go meet the others again.

when he came back towards the room, everyone was yelling at each other, he was alarmed to say but then saw the reason why they were yelling. they were playing uno a color coded card game that’s honest purpose was to break friendships, he could only hope that they wouldn’t bust out monopoly and start playing (that game itself was the embodiment of a relationship ruiner). he shook his head and placed himself besides jisoo, needing some of her comfort from what happened. oh how he jinxed himself with saying it was one of the best transitions of one year to another.

tiredness consumed seungmin, he was a drained souls that just needed to accept and move on... he leaned onto his cousin with a shaky breath that was unnoticed by everyone but jisoo, mainly because she could feel his breathing. she knew something was wrong and glanced at him, he wasn’t looking at her so she sat in silence, rubbing his back slowly lulling him to sleep. he shook his head slightly, bringing it up, slowly blinking the drowsiness away, rubbing his eyes. he wanted to stay awake until it turned midnight at least, which was five minutes away. his time with hyunjin earlier replayed over his mind to make those five minutes pass a little faster, what a fool he had been to think there’d be something more but now he had to act like everything was alright and carry on with everything just like before. it was nothing he hadn’t done before, it should be an easy task... or well, _bearable_.

they had a timer, and when it was nearing a minute they quickly discussed that each would count down a number until it reached two, all saying _one_ together. they all quickly rushed to start their countdown as it reached fifteen, fading close to the number they actually needed to start on.

_“twelve!”_

_“eleven!”_

_“ten!”_

_“nine!”_

_“eight!”_

_“seven!”_

_“six!”_

_“five!”_

_“four!”_

_“three!”_

_“two!”_

_“one!”_

“happy new year....” seungmin breathed out lightly to no one in particular. everyone was already yelling happy new year to another and happily embracing another. the boy watched with eyes that were a little droopy, the sadness not being able to be detected. everyone must have known about his tired state that they let him rest. his eyes closed, letting his mind absently wander about, drawing him to sleep. he felt a pair of lips at his forehead but didn’t bother to open them to see who it was. the kiss was hesitant and quick, almost _scared_. seungmin knew he looked like he was asleep so he played along, exhaustion not really working with him even if her wanted to open them. and then, darkness actually consumed him.

(the person who kissed seungmin's head watched him with gentle eyes, recognizing the intakes and outtakes of air the boy had as he slept, just his simply breathing patterns. one would think it to be creepy but this was more on the endearing side, everyone was actually watching the boy sleep at this point, having nothing else to do but coo at the scene right in front of them. the boy had an interesting sleeping position, he was curled up, creating heat from himself and that made all of them smile fondly at him as they all stripped their attention away from him to quietly interact with another once more.)

 

~~~~

 

the birds chirping woke up seungmin. they weren’t loud to say but they were loud enough to stir him awake, he was normally a light sleeper so the tunes they sang woke him up along with light chitchat. taking in that he was on a bed, how exactly did he get there? if his father carried him, he was dead... maybe wonpil? jaemin? he kept his eyes closed to see who was talking, as the volume of the voices increased.

“isn’t he cute? he’s curled up in fetus position oppa, what a little baby he is. he must be protected at all costs!” ahh the voice of jisoo was heard, he guessed he was at home, someone had to have carried him there, he couldn’t help but still wonder who.

“well, thankfully he hasn’t waken up yet, keep quiet will you? and we’ll protect him, we will always protect him.” the voice of wonpil rang in seungmin’s ear after jisoo stopped speaking. it was light and had a hint of a smile to it, he could just see the smile without needing to see wonpil.

“well... how do you think he would react to the news we have? it’d be a little bit of a shocker for him don’t you think?” jaemin’s worried tone could be heard, a little smaller than both of the kim siblings. that got seungmin curious so he stirred a little in bed, alarming his cousins that he was waking up.

slowly he sat up, rubbing his eyes and stared at the three with sleep laced eyes, barely opening. when his vision cleared he saw them looking at them, happiness evident in their eyes which he was already questioning. their wide smiles made seungmin suspicious of what they were talking about earlier but did not want to give away that he heard them so he casually lifted an eyebrow at them.

the three looked at one another, silently debating who was going to speak, ultimately leading to wonpil since he was the oldest. he let out a soft chuckle and then faced the younger, wiggling his eyebrows slightly as the boy had his fringe covering his eyes, a few parts of his hair sticking out, revealing his bed head. “guess what min, _oh boy_ you’ll never believe it!” his excitement and sudden stop made seubgmin anxious until he finally blurred out the news. “we’re moving to this area, all of us! you’ll be seeing my lovely face and the two peasants more often!”

jisoo and jaemin gave offended _hey’s_ after hearing what the oldest said. his sister smacked him as heard as she could on his arm after he gave the insult, the hit amounting to the pain that both of them could cause.

seungmin’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets, a shocked expression adorned on his face, making him seem absolutely adorable. jisoo couldn’t help but pinch his cheeks out of natural instincts, cooing even more after he whined out about it hurting. he was ecstatic to know that his cousins were going to be close to him, around the area where minho and jeongin lived, but couldn’t help but feel like he needed to be more secretive about what happens to him, especially jisoo, considering she was the only one to know about everything and give me information and whatnot. he didn’t want to worry or burden her anymore than he already did. hopefully she believes his act.

something struck seungmin after his mind traveled over the three moving closer. “what about all of your friends back in the city...? that has to be hard too... what about your crush noona?” seungmin frowned at the thoughts of them all leaving their friends, a little unable to cope, not knowing what he’d do if he were in the exact situation.

“ahh, mom and dad said we’ll visit often, they have friends they are leaving too, which happen to be the parents of our friends so we are definitely going to stay in contact with another, and as for my crush, if we are meant to be then it will happen when the time is right.” jisoo smiles brightly with her statement, running her hands through the younger boy’s locks, assuring him they’d be fine as the other two nodded in agreement.

it seems as if there was a trade for bad with the good, after everything with hyunjin, he got a good with his cousins moving closer. maybe this is his step to move on, to forget about his feelings, to just have the mindset of them being friends. with his cousins closer by his side now, he thinks things will go decent enough, he believes he’ll make it through, it’ll be hard but he thinks he’ll be alright; he has to be alright. so through his pain, he’ll make it out, but he has to be subtle with his actions and emotions. he’s just got to keep it in, don’t let them know. by the end of all of this, seungmin feels like he’d be a great actor, he’ll know how to get by without a problem.

**he’s still breathing.... he’s alive.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new years everyone! i have ambitions of the new year bringing you all well things in life that keep you all going and whatnot. hopefully you all got to spend some nice time with family, friends, and possibly yourself like i did.  
> remember, if there are ever any bad days in life, realize that the storm had to clear up, patience is just needed. fighting to all of you guys!  
> anyways, hope you guys enjoy my terrible writing that i want to put out, because exposure, am i right? despite that, i wish you all a lovely morning/afternoon/night!  
> 


	5. numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> five years later: a new stage in seungmin's life is reached and shit happens. whilst his life slowly crumbles, somethings are also patched back up again. as life changing things make an appearance, words are said, harsh and lovingly, and relationships are rekindled and torn apart. yet, within the depths of his heart, he can't bring himself to hate the people who bring him pain and still desires for certain outcomes with no change in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is "numb" by david archuleta! it's a really nice song for those of you who haven't heard it! most of my songs you guys probably haven't heard, if you pay attention to my notes... you guys pay attention to them right?

“minnie—“

felix didn’t even need to finish his statement, seungmin had already shoved his review for their exams at the week-older boy and continued on with some other work while he proceeded to do more practice his teachers gave as an option. he didn’t like the thought of being behind but rather ahead if anything, teacher adore him for that, sure call him a nerd and teacher’s pet for that, he won’t care, he admits it anyways. he was the top of his class and wanted it to remain that way.

“thank you! you literally saved my ass minnie!” felix swooped down and have the younger boy a kiss on the cheek, laughing as he groaned and swatted him away from his face. it was a normal thing for the two, jisung glares because when he does such a thing he gets worse treatment from seungmin. jisung muttered something about favoritism but then sheepishly voiced out something.

“hey seungminnie...”

shaking his head, seungmin gave another set of papers to the new voice that made an appearance. he swore that jisung and felix could be the same person, they share a brain cell that’s for sure. he heard a sigh of relief from the other boy who didn’t finish his homework and a quiet _thank you_ as jisung quickly began to mark up his empty paper, chicken scratches to be made in hopes that the teacher had enough of his shit and gave him full marks, it worked a few times, hopefully it works this time again.

it was a normal school day seungmin spent with the two. he was beyond comfortable with all of them, all eight of them (it’s been five years, he had to be comfortable with them), used to all their presences and not a stuttering mess like how he was before. it amazed him how much could change in a short amount of time, he gained the great friends he wouldn't trade for anything else. it made him super happy to finally experience joy, a euphoric expression was enlaced into his eyes as he spent more and more time with the boys. he notices the changes in himself over the years as he was around them more, he was definitely more at ease than he was at home.

speaking of home, things haven’t gotten better within the last five years, his father is more violent than ever but his mother seemed to tone down. his mother seems to be nicer to him but at times she avoids him, guilty of what she’s said before. he saw it in her eyes whenever he saw her gaze at him, there was a sadness running through them like she was ashamed of what she said to her only son.

what she didn’t know was what his father did to him. he always covered himself up with some makeup products that jisoo got him. his father always struck when his mother was gone. he came to realize his father didn’t want to get caught by her, despite their arguments, he was sure his father was scared of his mother when she got angry in certain times. his father knew if she were to find out about such a thing it wouldn’t go well. it was a common thing youngman said whenever he was done with seungmin: _don’t you dare tell your mother._

it’s great. just as he is slowly seeing a change in sohae, he was frightened to tell her anything, it would make sense after her treatment to him. he wasn’t even fully sure if she’ll return to being the woman she used to be six years ago: so warm, very loving, super supportive, just mother-like. whether or not seungmin chose to see her again in that way depended on how she would take action from her past mistakes. he began to worry, wondering if his father would come to realization as well, making his eyebrows scrunch up, cashing jisung and felix to look up from their papers at him since he stopped writing things down and intensely stared at his paper for a long time.

“you okay minnie...? you look perplexed, did homework stump you? i would offer to help you but... i-well, you know, i probably won’t understand the content you’re on...” felix worriedly paid attention to the younger, placing a hand on his shoulder, making the said boy flinch, unknowingly touching upon a really bad bruise his father had created whilst he was irritated with seungmin’s school performance. ( _apparently_ being first rank in school really didn’t appeal to his father as he was unsatisfied with seungmin’s physics grade; it wasn’t even bad either, a 94% to say, what exactly was he expecting? if he wanted 100% that’s beyond seungmin’s capabilities. he would just have to deal with his father’s grumpiness with him, like always.)

 _he’s not okay._ oh how much he wanted to say that. instead he just gave a small lopsided grin and nodded his head, a silent okay presented to the two. they looked hesitant with his answer but didn’t push it, well aware that seungmin probably didn’t want to talk about it. they thought it was probably something small, seungmin was staring at his homework that is, they just connected the two together and gave sympathetic smiles back.

“man, if only we knew what you were on seungminnie- i mean you’d probably figure it out by yourself anyways, you’re a literal fucking genius! fighting!” jisung motioned a small cheer to seungmin as he went back to frantically writing down some answers from the paper seungmin lended him.

“hey guys.” hyunjin said in all his glory, making the two other boys mumble out replies as they rushingly filled their papers, nearly finished. the eldest of the four raised his eyebrows at then and tsked. “you know, one day you’re not going to have minnie here around to have papers passed down so you can copy them. not to be mean or anything but maybe you two should, oh, i don’t know, actually try to do your fucking homework?” shaking his head, he looked at seungmin who was writing away with his own homework. “minnie, one day you should not give them your papers and make them suffer. it’d be interesting how that plays out.”

a hearty chuckle made its way through seungmin’s ears, to which he imagined how hyunjin's eyes scrunched in delight, shaping crescent moons. he couldn’t lie to say that he totally got over hyunjin, as much as he tried to convince himself it was no use, especially since they were always near each other, completely like nothing happen. just like how he wanted. he finally looked up at hyunjin as he placed himself right beside him with a wide smile on his face.

fuck. someone come and help him. curse his inner gay. he hated how his feelings only deepened for the older as time passed by, ignoring the dull ache in his chest. he returned his smile with a small smile one of his own and then focused back on his work. “you know, jinnie, maybe i will.” a sigh was released from his lips, mumbling so only hyunjin could hear,“they can’t graduate with just using my notes and homework. i work hard for those.”

and to that hyunjin ruffled seungmin’s fluffy brown hair. two heads brought their heads up at a lightning speed, seemingly close to dislocating it, and let their jaws drop at what they heard.

“no, minnie! i am worthy of the things you give me to copy down! or well tweak! jisung here- he’s not!” felix was motioning to jisung at this time, trying to make an obvious reason with just comparing the two side by side.

“lee yongbok, fucking try me. and seungminnie, i am just as deserving as yongbok, maybe even more. i was the one to talk to you first, creating this friendship!” jisung provoked felix with the mention of his korean name, snickering as if he had the upper hand at this moment.

“oi! you piece of shit, i would have been the first one if you didn’t trip me!” felix yelled, thankfully there was no one around them, it was way too early. seungmin was honestly amused at this point, propping his head in his hand, eyes darting between the two as they bickered.

“for the last fucking time, i didn’t trip you- get your head out of your ass and just accept that i am better, i am the older one anyways!” jisung was beginning to be frustrated because that was always brought up in their arguments that seemed to include seungmin. the latter would know because he witnesses their fights, especially if they’re about him, way too often.

“you know what, squirrel, i am the better one and i will prove it- and please, what older are you? it’s literally a fucking day.“ felix scoffed and stuck his head up, not glancing at jisung. if anyone didn’t know better they would have thought this were to be a lovers’ quarrel.

“wait. hold the fuck up. you guys tripped upon first meeting with minnie?? well, ain’t that something worthwhile to see.” hyunjin’s eyes were wide, coated in amusement as he looked at seungmin and then the other two constantly, trying to follow along and get confirmation by seungmin as the others continued to scream at another.

“you better shut your mouth, hwang. no one knows about it. felix and i have kept it a secret ever since and do not plan on telling anyone because that shit is embarrassing.” jisung muttered with a slight pain at the memory while felix nodded his head frantically.

“well, that can be arranged...” seungmin quietly mumbled out, which got a unison reply from the middle two of the 00 liner with eyes blown wide “seungmin, no—“

the youngest brunet shrugged, signaling he had no promises about the situation slipping from his mouth to others. the two middle boys sighed loudly in response andgave seungmin back his papers since they finished, the latter organized his notes once they gave them back, fitting them into their color coded sections. call kim seungmin a neat and organized freak he wouldn’t flinch one bit. he was always known to be the cleanest among all nine, and boy did he have his shitty reasons, blame his father for all of that.

“what’s with all the commotion guys? we entered and automatically heard yelling, assuming it to be you all.” chan suddenly appeared with the rest, it was the usual time they all meet up right before school started, and glanced at the four that were born in the same year. minho had placed himself right by jisung, changbin went to felix, woojin next to chan in front of seungmin and hyunjin, while jeongin was by the two oldest. chan scanned the table and saw a lot of notes scattered about, they were mostly of seungmin’s handwriting so he made an assumption of what happened. “did you guys argue about your assignments?”

“sure, mate. you can say it was something like that.” felix mumbled out, not looking at chan, as he curled into changbin’s side, changbin’s hand automatically bringing felix closer. chan raised an eyebrow at the freckled boy’s reply, then glancing at jisung who shrugged, not bothering to open his mouth to talk as minho held his hand. sighing, chan looked around at woojin and jeongin to see what their thoughts were silently until woojin motioned his head to seungmin.

the second youngest noticed the action and saved himself before chan could ask anything related to the conversation jisung and felix had because he didn’t want to deal with the immaturity the two had at this moment. “channie-hyung, do you happen to know what this is?” he crawled over hyunjin, who was sitting right next to him, giving a started response of placing his hands on seungmin’s hips to guide him so he wouldn’t topple over. the boy turned to hyunjin and gave a small smile as he edged closer to chan, showing his papers, pouting at them. “i’ve been trying to figure this out but i don’t think physics is processing in my brain at the moment.”

seungmin had a hopeful look in his eyes, gnawing on his bottom lip when woojin and chan looked over the problem and began to discuss what to do. he fiddled with his hands as he patiently waited to see if his hyungs could slow the monstrous problem he couldn’t do. the only thing that could be heard through seungmin’s concentration on them was their discussion, changbin’s and felix’s voices, as well as minho’s and jisung’s, as they had their conversations, and jeongin’s light breathing as he rested his head on woojin’s shoulder to get some rest again after studying most of the night before.

hyunjin was staring at seungmin but he didn’t know since his back was facing the older. feeling eyes on him, he looked back at hyunjin, and meet his eyes. seungmin could feel the blush rising on his cheeks and automatically looked back at chan and woojin who seemed to have figured something out, chan motioning towards seungmin to pay attention. the hue on his cheeks didn’t fade away and chan didn’t say anything but give a knowing look at seungmin as he walked through how to solve the problem.

the bell rang soon after and everyone went to their respective classes, while seungmin was frantically trying to arrange his things to put in his backpack. a set of hand appeared in his vision, neatly cleaning up his papers with him, looking up he saw hyunjin stacking up some papers to lessen the younger’s panic. he noticed and gave the latter a small smile, ushering the papers to him to collect, their hands brushed upon another but seungmin chose to ignore it, he couldn’t be a blushing mess if it were just them too; jisung and felix left quickly, wiggling their eyebrows at another after seeing hyunjin was just starting at seungmin before helping him arrange his things.

“thank you,” seungmin said in a breathless tone, it coming as a sign of relief. he tilted his head at the older, resembling a a cute puppy that was curious, “why didn’t you go with jisung and felix?”

“i wanted to wait for you, minnie. i wasn’t going to leave you alone as the other two dumbasses went off to our classroom.” hyunjin laughed at his statement, shaking his head at their two other friends, who were idiots with another, dumb and dumber even (hyunjin would have to say that jisung was dumb and felix was dumber due to all the random shit he does.)

  
“let’s go?” seungmin smiled gratefully at hyunjin and motioned for him to lead the way, books in his hand. he became a little flustered as hyunjin reached out to carry seungmin’s books for him, hyunjin laughing at him as his face was coated in surprise. he nodded at the shorter and started to walk towards class. the walk was a little far but it didn’t pass seungmin’s mind as they had a conversation that took his mind off of the distance they had to walk. _fucking hell,_ curse hwang hyunjin for making him feel this way.

 

~~~~

 

_ring. ring. ring._

lunch time. finally, time for a break from endless learning seungmin had to keep up with. he wasn’t that hungry so he grabbed something small to eat, an apple. minho and jeongin had looked at him weirdly with that being all he got but chose not to say anything, well they couldn’t have anyways, seungmin dashed off. along the way to the normal sitting area seungmin and then others sat at, he saw wonpil, jisoo, and jaemin sitting with their own friends, waving at them back when they noticed him with a small smile. it was nice having some family with him within the last years, not so lonely, they brough him the comfort of the siblings he never had.

the brunet sat down just as chan and woojin made an appearance, the others following soon after, besides one person, the one person seungmin wouldn’t admit he always wanted to see. The others seemed to notice as well, changbin voicing out the thoughts of everyone to seungmin since he was the closest to hyunjin. “hey, is hyunjin not coming today?”  
seungmin gave a puzzled look back at changbin, everyone listening in because they were certain seungmin knew. “um, i am actually not—“

“sorry guys!” the voice of the missing member of their small group appeared, smiling sheepishly. “i was a little busy doing something and… would you guys mind if sora sat with us?” hyunjin bit his lip unsure what replies he would get, sora clinging onto his arm like he were the sturdy branch from keeping her from plummeting to her death. he sighed out of relief when chan nodded in a small manner, talking for everyone who was looking at seungmin who was just tentatively staring at the girls clutch on hyunjin with a distant look of hurt.

they were all wary of seungmin’s feelings, even if he didn’t voice them out. they gave glances of pity that seungmin didn’t like, he began to fiddle with his apple, that he had not yet touched, an unsettling feeling in his stomach was felt as he tore his eyes away, looking at the apple in his hands that seemed to be the most interesting thing in the world. jeongin was the closest to seungmin and wrapped his arms around seungmin’s middle for comfort, the younger frowned at the feeling of some of seungmin’s ribs, something he would tell the rest later. he also didn’t like the way his hung flinched at his touch and gave him a weak smile in return; jeongin hated seeing seungmin sad.

jeongin continued to hug seungmin, sending looks of panic to the rest who were clueless of what was happening in front of them: hyunjin and sora were talking as if it were only them two. hyunjin and sora had light shades of pink on their cheeks, she laughed at something he said while he had a big goofy smile plastered on his face. if anyone were to look at them, they would have said the two were a new couple, they matched well with another and seungmin couldn’t stand it.

jisung and felix watched seungmin’s reaction and it hurt them, they saw their best friend in pain. a frown had made it’s way onto his face while tears were forming. he suddenly stood up muttering _i have to go_ and walked out as jeongin followed him quickly. the two friends looked at minho and changbin desperately telling them to follow as well which they understood perfectly, getting up and going in the direction seungmin went.

“chan-hyung, woojin-hyung. we’ll leave first?” jisung motioned in between him and felix, to which they nodded at and gave a look signaling to tell them what happened later on when they see another. felix caught jisoo’s eyes through the mass load of people and gave her a weak smile, walking out with jisung to get to seungmin.

chan and woojin were stuck there, examining the pair who seemed oblivious of what just happened. chan sighed, not liking how things escalated like so. he swore a little as woojin comfortingly rubbed his back with a small smile. the two quietly talked so the ones across from them couldn’t hear anything.

“woojin… do you think we’ll be alright. i can’t imagine how minnie feels… the look on his face was something i haven’t seen on him before… it was a crestfallen expression that i can’t take off my mind…” chan was about to cry, he cared too much for the other boy, getting slightly angry at hyunjin for not noticing anything. “was i delusional to think that hyunjin and seungmin might have ended up together? i swear seungmin is the happiest when with hyunjin but now…”

woojin wrapped an arm around chan and delicately talked back to him. “you weren’t delusional channie… we all felt that way, the two matched so well… but now, i'll be honest with you and not sugarcoat anything, now i am not sure what is going to happen… hyunjin seems to like sora, vise versa. right now, it’s a win-lose situation because jinnie seems happy and minnie is sad. we can’t control how thing happen, this is just a case where we can hope for the best…”

chan gave a weak laugh back, “jinnie and minnie, their nicknames went together well…”

the bell rand signaling that it was time to go back to class and the two dejectedly looked at hyunjin who told them he would go walk sora to their classroom. a shit-storm was about to happen and none of them were prepared.

 

~~~~

_meanwhile…._

**someone out there’s on his side, it’s not his place to question why.**

_“_ seungmin-hyung! hold up, please!” jeongin was chasing after seungmin when he left, the older was running away too fast for jeongin to keep up. that was it until he suddenly halted and just stood there, shoulders shaking badly. the younger ravenette finally caught up with the older and felt his heart wrench at the sounds of the small sobs coming out of the badly shaking male in front of him. he hugged seungmin tightly, hearing many fast footsteps coming their way, “oh hyung…”

by this time, the others had frantically caught up to jeongin and seungmin, huddling up against him for a group hug. they disliked the wails coming out of his mouth, eyes sad that this has become the outcome of a pairing they’ve wanted to come true since the beginning. they still had hopes for the two, even if it was unlikely at the moment. they saw the way the two looked at another, how much their eyes lit up with the presence of the other around, it couldn’t have been one-sided. hyunjin was just being a dumbass, probably not admitting to his feelings.

the hug released between the six and seungmin’s crying turned into ragged breaths, slightly having trouble breathing. the boy sensed that seungmin wasn’t so responsive to their calls, chest heaving slightly and small mutterings being oozed out of his mouth which they understood to be “how dumb was i? he'd never like me right? i knew he wouldn’t since he said he wanted to forget the accidental kiss that meant a lot to me. how fucking pathetic am i…”

minho winced at the things he heard the younger say, being the oldest of the six, he took action and cupped seungmin’s cheeks that had tears streaming down them again. “little min, you aren’t pathetic. never say that again, please. and trust me on this, if hyunjin isn’t the one then you’ll find someone else.” minho gulped, he didn’t want seungmin to find anyone else because he felt like the two belong together, odds just weren’t in their favor at the moment. “just hang in there okay little min? things will get better, just distance yourself a little from jinnie and let’s see if he realizes how much he is missing with not having you there.” minho smiled as seungmin nodded slightly, kissing his forehead after knowing the boy had stopped crying.

“i’ll kick his ass if i have to minnie. that fucker really had the nerve to bring a girl to our table when we have always sat there, just the nine of us. And obviously we couldn’t have said no, she was literally fucking standing there in front of us, it’d be rude not to say yes.” changbin angrily said his intake of things and ruffled seungmin’s hair and a small affectionate manner, smiling softly at the younger while puffy eyes stared back at him in attempt to give a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “minnie, i know you’re hurting right now but we’re here, you don’t have to feel alone okay? we'll be with you every step of the way.” changbin then squeezed his arm assuringly.

seungmin felt overwhelmed, it was the first time he cracked in front of his friends, he felt the need to say something else but chose not to state anything, worried that they would pity him even more, be disgusted with him; he couldn’t afford to feel like he lost all of them due to the way he lived his life, even if it weren’t his fault in general.

jisung had so many emotions held within his eyes whilst staring at seungmin, he couldn’t take it anymore and engulfed the younger boy in a hug. he’s never really hugged seungmin this way, glancing at jeongin who was in front of him with questionable eyes that jeongin seemed to understand too, he mouthed that he’ll talk to jeongin later, the younger nodding his head, and prepared his little saying to seungmin. “look, seungminnie. keep what changbin said in mind okay? we'll always be here for you no matter what, don’t you forget okay? we all love you dearly and that’s not going to change, at all.”

felix then joined the hug, laughing gently. “yeah, minnie. ah this reminds me of the of the old times when we were the trio, good times — no offense minho-hyung, changbin-hyun, and jeongin — and if hyunjin doesn’t realize what he’s missing, that’s a shame, he can go fuck himself.” felix beamed as he heard a small chuckle come out of seungmin’s mouth, proud he made him feel better. “you don’t need hyunjin in specific, you might find someone else better, you never know!” as felix said that, he couldn’t have helped but think of such a thing, trying to lighten up the mood when everything in his mind was saying, _but please don’t they match well together, just let them end up with another and be happy…_

jeongin was tearing up as the two pulled away from seungmin, sniffling which caused seungmin to snap his attention to the younger, he opened his arms wide and motioned for jeongin to hug him, the ravenette rushing in his hyung’s arms, some tears finally falling. “innie-ah” seungmin gently combed through his hair, squishing him tight, he was very aware that jeongin knew about his unhealthiness since earlier, he really had nothing to lose now so he let it be. “i’ll be okay. i promise you…”

the others were getting emotional as well, changbin had felix in his embrace, while minho was fanning his eyes and jisung was actually wiping his tears way. the bell rang and seungmin pulled away from jeongin, smiling at them all genuinely. “thank you. you guys mean a lot to me.” they all smiled back at seungmin and proceeded to walk him to class, they were not going to let him go alone with anything, that’s for sure.

 

~~~~

 

**he didn’t wanna feel numb, falling over all of his shadows. yeah, he’s all done because none of that ever really mattered.**

the rest of the day went by, jisung and felix be his side. hyunjin noticed and was confused with why they were suddenly so close together, and so he asked. “did something happen? you two are attached to minnie more than ever as of now.” hyunjin definitely caught the dirty look felix was giving him as jisung looked up from talking to seungmin, the latter also looking up with confusion.

“nothing happened. we can’t be close to minnie, huh? we’re friends dipshit, this is normal.” felix calmly stated with his jaw slightly clenched . “seriously, why would you ask such a stupid question like that.”

seungmin pouted at felix and reached out for his hand to play with, automatically making felix’s cold aura drop as he looked at him with soft eyes, to which seungmin gave a lopsided smile at, having a silent conversation among them. hyunjin let out a low growl that jisung could hear since he sat in between the two, he sent out a raised eyebrow at hyunjin who looked pissed at the two.

it was jisung turn to scowl as sora took hyunjin’s hand to calm him, which he automatically looked at her and gave a small smile, she blushed in return. he glanced back at the other two to see felix with a frown and seungmin looking down at his paper scribbling down notes to remember before they took their final. he sighed as he locked eyes with felix, this was all a complicated mess, why did things have to go to shambles with sora entering the picture.

felix intricately paid attention to sora after he had finished his test, along with jisung and hyunjin, she seems nice but then she glanced at seungmin with a smirk just as he finished his exam and raised his hand for their teacher to collect it. he felt a little uneasy and wanted to keep her away from the younger at all cost, she screamed trouble from the start after seungmin broke down. he couldn’t imagine what it’d felt like, changbin wouldn’t do such a thing, everyone was scared to approach the male so felix really had nothing to worry about. hyunjin, on the other hand, got a lot of public confessions, notes, and much more. felix and minho got them too but minho always showed disinterest, while felix politely declined them. sora being in the picture now, it seemed like the two actually had a shot of being a couple since hyunjin was interacting a lot with her. felix patted seungmin’s hand gently for his affection, distracting him for looking at the sora and hyunjin, being able to got down his notes. he couldn’t help but look at jisung worriedly biting his lip. this carried on for the rest of the day, the protectiveness of jisung and felix sheltering seungmin from any more hurt to come.

once the bell rang for their free period, everyone in the class scattered out, felix and jisung offered to walk seungmin to his locker but he refused, “your lockers are on the other side of mine, i know you guys need to get your things so how about we go out separate ways to get out items and then meet half way?” seungmin was trying to compromise with the two reluctant boys, which they actually agreed, seungmin cheering and going off to walk in the opposite direction of them to his locker, “i’ll see you guys in a few minutes!”

seungmin quietly made his way to his locker, taking the items he needed for his next class, putting back some books that would just be a hassle to carry since he didn’t need them. just as he was done putting everything in his bag and arranging his locker neatly, it slammed shut by someone forcefully, scaring the shit out of the poor boy. he craned his head to the side and had owlish eyes as sora stood there, right next to his locker with a devilish grin.

“ _well, well_ , _well_. if it isn’t pathetic kim seungmin. you know you don’t mean anything to hyunjin, stay away from him, you’ll taint him with your gayness.” sora scoffed as a look of hurt was on seungmin’s face. he had just recently came out to everyone. his father didn’t take it well, said the many bruises all over his body, while his mother was more shocked and didn’t bother saying anything, just left the house, unknowingly letting his father beat him. the only ones who took it was were his friends and some of the school who found themselves in the same situation, whether they came out or not. sora dragged her index finger across his cheek and glared at him, sharply saying, “i am only going to tell you this once, listen to it wisely.”

“i-i’m not—“ seungmin couldn’t even finish before a hand harshly slapped his cheek, sending him to the floor with a bad impact, pressuring his bruises on the side he fell on. he blinked up at her, tears in his eyes that soon slipped down his now red cheek that will be bruised later on. her hit was hard; his father never really struck out on his face beside that one time at christmas because it gave too much exposure and questions from others about what happened to seungmin.

“i didn’t say you can talk. you have no right to speak, your words are as useless as you.” sora cackled, not bothered by the state seungmin was in. “only i can have hwang hyunjin, if you don’t want to cause more of a scene now or later on, i recommend you stay out of everything related to hyunjin.”

“what the fuck is your problem?!” another female voice was heard as seungmin was staring at the floor blankly. “do you find joy in hurting others? what kind of sadistic bitch are you?” the voice growled dangerously, making sora slightly scared, but keep her posture remained. “i suggest you get yourself out of my view unless you want worse than what you did to him.”

sora took one last glance at seungmin and glared madly as him before scurrying of. the female cupped seungmin’s cheeks, wiping away the tears that were falling down. “minnie, i am here. you’re okay. the nasty bitch is gone.”

the younger boy’s vision cleared as the familiar voice of jisoo ushered his that he was going to be okay. he let out a small shaky breath as she tilted his head to the side and examined his cheek. steadily bringing her younger cousin up, she walked him to the nearest restroom in the school and in a small voice she muttered out, “your cheek isn’t going to look good, i have some makeup with me, let’s get you all patched up.”

“oh my gosh, seungmin— are you okay?” woojin’s voice called out strongly after seeing the boy get helped by his cousin. “jisoo, what happened?”

this caused the attention of chan to be dragged upon the sight of the boy he had been worrying about ever since lunch. he and woojin had hall passes signaling they were out to get something until woojin spotted seungmin, causing chan to frantically rush to the boy, gasping at his condition. “oh no minnie…”

jisoo let out a small sigh, “some superior thinking chick came up to seungmin yelling at him about how hyunjin was going to be hers and she should stay away from him. as seungmin was going to reply, she slapped him super hard to the point where he fell to the ground. luckily enough for him, i was out getting something and witnessed it and helped minnie here.” she angrily huffed out and then looked at the twin front of her as he steadied seungmin a little, care of him since she knew there were bruises around his body. “i think the friends he shares a class with will be looking for him in a little, can you two stand guard and watch out to notify them if i am not out by the time they arrive?”

“yeah… we’ll gladly wait out here.” woojin calmly stated as all chan could do was look at seungmin who refused to look at them fully, ashamed of what happened to him. he watched as jisoo hurriedly pushed seungmin into the girls restroom to fix him up, turning his gaze to chan.

“it had to be sora. there’s no other girl that fits the description. her looks are deceiving; she seems innocent but she not. i fucking _knew_ it.” chan furiously spoke, seeing jisung and felix in the distance walking up to them, their eyes worried for not seeing seungmin near. chan didn’t want to tell them but he had to, he had to because he’d feel guilty for not saying anything. “uh, seungmin is in the restroom with jisoo.” a puff of air escaped his lips as woojin comfortingly rubbed his hand, telling him to continue. he took one look at their confused faces and slowly made a summary of what happened, “he got slapped by sora…”

“WHAT?!” felix fumed out, outraged, a fire burning in his eye, replacing the once kind eyes that everyone adored. “the little shit laid a hand on our precious minnie? i _had_ a feeling she would have done something what a bitch!”

jisung was equally as enraged as felix, steam could be seen coming out of his ears and nostrils of one were to pay close attention. “i knew we shouldn’t have left him to go to his locker alone! our free period last thirty minutes, it wouldn’t have been such a problem! urgh, we’re stupid.”

“now boys,” woojin's calm voice danced through their ears. “we don’t want seungmin to feel uncomfortable so don’t mention it. he probably already has guessed you guys know so don’t bring up the topic at all when spending time with him for the rest of the day, especially since we all have exams. no need to stress him out, even if well all only have one exam left.”

the two boys nodded as the restroom door opened and the cousins stepped out, seungmin looked like nothing happened and jisoo was sadly looking at him, they figured he told her what happened today. she kissed his right cheek, the one that wasn’t slapped, and announced her departure. “i’ll see you later today minnie, dad said we’ll be coming over because your mother said she had important news to tell everyone.” she looked at all the boys who gathered up near them and had a small plea laced in her eyes. “take care of him, yeah? bye guys.”

“channie-hyung, woojinnie-hyung, your teacher is going to get suspicious for you two being out for too long, you guys should get back.” seungmin’s small voice was heard from all of them and the two oldest sighed in unison and patted one of seungmin’s arms gently, missing his aching bruises by just a little, to announce that they’d be on their way back to class too.

“if you guys have anything to say, i suggest you guys say it now.” the youngest was looking at his feet, waiting for the the other two to say something but it never came. confused, he looked up and the other two stared back at him. “okay... you guys have nothing?”

“she’s a shitty person, all i got to say.” jisung said, shrugging his shoulders.

felix automatically agreed, laughing slightly. “if ms park and ms cho had a child, she’d be their offspring.”

seungmin cracked a smile at that while jisung cackled, wiling away tears that formed due to his fits of laughter. “ _holy_ _shit_! that’s honestly so accurate, two of the bitchiest teachers in the form of a shitty teenage girl, sounds about right. you nailed it my dude!” jisung brought his hand up while felix brought his up high-five jisung, creating the loudest noise. the two groaned in pain with their throbbing hands and seungmin giggled at the dumb and dumber duo.

“free period is almost done, you two. let’s go back?” the younger, and shortest so far of the three, proposed the question with a raised eyebrow. the two automatically nodded and linked arms with seungmin to go back to class.

 

~~~~

 

fucking, finally. the long school day was now over and all exams were over. seungmin hoped he scored decent enough to keep his number one position, his fingers were crossed.

seungmin was exiting class after everyone rushed out, jisung and felix by his side, until a hand wrapped itself around his thin wrist. he jumped slightly at the contact, turning back, he was surprised. it was hyunjin and he had an unreadable expression on his face that worries seungmin if he did anything wrong. jisung and felix hesitantly looked at seungmin for confirmation; he nodded. “you guys can wait at my locker? it’s near so you guys don’t have to worry about something happening again.”

the two other males nodded, glancing between seungmin and hyunjin one last time before leaving. the youngest of them watched the two arrive at his locker before turning to the oldest. he raised an eyebrow and motioned for the male to talk.

“what did you do to sora? she kept on blubbering about how you said mean things about her and was near tears?” hyunjin frustratingly ran his hand through his hair, looking at seungmin. “seriously seungmin, not cool. i wanted you guys to get along but it seems like that can’t happen.”

seungmin’s jaw dropped slightly, not believing what he was hearing from the younger. his pent up hurt was tired of being held back, he was tired of biting his tongue. all the irritation was getting to him, he looked back at hyunjin in the eyes, with his tears brimming in them, slowly falling. “you know, hyunjin, we’ve been friends for five years, i would have expected you to know me by now but it’s obvious you don’t. you’re believing a girl over your own friend? that’s fucking pathetic. do i really mean so little to you?” tears were running like a waterfall by now down seungmin’s cheeks, hyunjin looked startled, glancing at his cheek which revealed his bruise, makeup washing away with his tears. seungmin was tired, this was his third time crying and he was done. “know both sides of the story before confronting the wrong person, hyunjin. look at my cheek. see the bruise, guess what, she fucking slapped me thinking i would stand in the way of your blooming relationship. if you can’t believe it then i don’t think we can be friends anymore, i don’t want someone belittling my existence, i’ve had enough of that shit throughout my whole life. and if you excuse me, i have to go, sungie and lix are waiting for me. goodbye, hyunjin.”

seungmin turned fast to jisung and felix, leaving hyunjin standing there, wiping his tears, wondering why he still liked the boy who caused him so much pain, and arriving at his locker where jisung and felix wrapped him in a hug, already knowing what happened as the tears were still dripping from his chin. they were sending glare like daggers at hyunjin who still remained in his spot, seungmin taking all his things home, jisung and felix automatically gripping the books in his hand to lessen the weight. as they passed by hyunjin, jisung shook his head muttering “not cool, hwang. not fucking cool.”

the trio walked to seungmin’s house, the latter was so grateful to have them by his side. particularly this day, he would have justgave up in no time, they provided him strength and he bid them goodbye after they reached his house, face finally not red anymore, but still slight puffy eyes. the two waved and then proceeded onto minho’s house, which was a meet up for everyone but hyunjin and seungmin to talk about what happened.

sighing, seungmin opened his front door and was immediately hugged by his cousins, he took it as if jisoo told them. once they pulled away, their eyes widened since his bruise was visible again, jisoo ushered him upstairs, wonpil and jaemin following close by. he gave them all a weak smile as jisoo went to cover his bruises up with makeup. she then gasped, which made jaemin and wonpil panic.

“what is it?” wonpil asked worryingly, as jisoo was beginning to tear up, bringing her into a hug to comfort her.

“noona, why are you crying…” jaemin had a small panic in his tone as he looked at all of them, confusion mixed in his orbs.

jisoo shakingly took in a breath and stared at seungmin, who was looking at her back, it was obvious she saw with the proximity she had, he wondered how she hadn’t seen earlier, but then again, the boys didn’t see either so she wasn’t the only one. she gave him sad eyes and he hated it but what else was there to feel besides pity for him? he honestly just generates the fucking thing like nothing. she looked at him pleadingly and he nodded his head, knowing where she was heading at. clearing her throat she looked at wonpil and jaemin dead in the eyes. “this household is unhealthy for minnie…”

“what do you mean by that—“ jaemin was beyond confused at this statement, frustratingly tugging on his jumper to get rid of his anxiousness. the tone jisoo was using didn’t sound good.

wonpil examined seungmin, he was sure it had to do with her being super close to him just then so he took his shot and examined the boy up close. and there, he saw it. he gasped and tugged seungmin’s uniform down a little, exposing parts of his back that were completely marked. “min, tell me those isn’t what i think they are…” seungmin’s silence was a giveaway to wonpil and he just couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t fathom what the younger had gone through. “who created them?”

jaemin had then seen what the two oldest were looking at and then stared at them and then seungmin with big eyes. “minnie…”

“my father… i came out... he's unsatisfied with my grades… my mother doesn’t know what he does to me.” was all seungmin could say, he was beyond tired, at this point he didn’t care that they saw his bruises, it was a mistake for them to see but something so evident can’t be covered up; he had used all the foundation jisoo gave him to cover the parts the people most likely would see and now it’s out. his cousins knew. his body ached like nothing but nothing could amount to the pain he felt in his chest, his heart broke once more by the same person, when he would get peace for once and for all? probably never.

the cousins sat there, watching seungmin. the boy seemed so out of it and they felt so helpless not knowing what to do to possibly help, but they couldn’t do anything to ever replace the agony he went through than just stay by his side. they were proud that seungmin came out but the outcome devastated them, everything their baby cousin went through was beyond what any of them could imagine because they were accepting of their children no matter what, their number one supporters….

“kids! i am home with take out food for all of us! i want to reveal my news!” sohae was excited, any human could identify it, and it made seungmin smile gently as he heard his mother, he hasn’t heard that tone in forever.

“come on guys. turn those frowns upside down and let’s go eat~!” seungmin tried to sound enthusiastic and then proceeded to go downstairs, the three following quickly after him to meet their aunt with wide grins, smiles flattering a little as they saw youngman.

“okay, so now that everyone is here, let me state my news before we all dig in!” sohae was smiling widely, eyes meeting her son and beaming even more. “here goes nothing… i got a promotion for three years to work in the united states, california in specific, la if i am to go into full detail. i was just notified and i leave in two days. i talked to youngman about this and i am bringing seungmin with me so this will be a celebration and dinner as all of us are settled down altogether until after three years, well the holidays to say. that is it, now eat up everyone!”

yoonhee, hyunwoo, eunbi, and jaekwang all congratulated sohae as youngman was staring a little blankly at his wife, it seemed to be that she just dropped the bomb on him. he fixed himself a little, joining the other adults as he went to his wife and whispered something in her ear, which she nodded at.

the kids were very shocked, tears running down their face at the thought of not seeing seungmin for a long time. they wiped their faces and joked around with seungmin about his soon-to-be life in california. their smiles widened as jaemin made a comment. “wait, auntie said that only she and minnie were going… minnie! you’ll be free from your father! do you think she realized what he does to minnie?”

“holy shit, jaemin, you’re right— i think auntie did find out because when she looked at min earlier there was a little sadness in them, like she was guilty for not knowing what unc- he did to our min.” wonpil whisper shouted so only they could hear, grinning from ear to ear, everyone noticed how he didn’t finish the word ‘uncle’ but didn’t comment on it, he didn’t deserve to be called such a thing.

“seungmin-ah.” all four heads turned at the sound of sohae’s voice and seungmin walked up to her as she was beckoning him over, pulling out a small box for him. “i am giving you a phone, go collect your friends and cousins’ phone numbers so you all can stay in contact. i am sorry for not noticing earlier, my behavior was unacceptable and i hope with this time away from your father, and the environment around, that he’ll realize his wrong like i did and you’ll forgive me so we can go back to how we were before. how does that sound sweetie? you’ll have healing time.” she gave him a small squeeze, careful not to hurt him, knowing that his body was littered with bruises, and went back to the adults after kissing him on the head.

seungmin walked back with the box in his hands, a little confused until jisoo took the box from his hands and automatically went to work with setting up his phone. he watched in amazement at how she turned it on and patiently waited for it to load so she could put in her contact, into his phone, texting herself so she could save his number. the same things happened again with wonpil and jaemin, both smiling knowing that their cousins finally got his first phone.

jaemin pushed the phone into seungmin’s hands and urged him to see if he knew any one his friend’s numbers. he couldn’t recall their numbers but he remembered meeyon’s for sure, having called it so many times by hand. he dialed it and was surprised when the voice that answered was the voice that he actually wanted to speak to.

“minho-hyung? it’s seungmin, save this number and forward it to the others, i finally got my own phone.”

“little min? i will send this number to the others for sure!”

“oh hyung, tell them to text me so i can save their numbers too! i kind of have something to tell all of you…”

“sure little min, i have to go now, mom’s asking for her phone. i look forward for your message later! bye~”

“bye hyung~”

(at minho’s house.

 

“long story short. there’s something wrong with minnie.” jisung cut straight to the point, forming things quite bluntly, as he finally arrived at minho’s house with felix.

“yeah…” jeongin squeaked in, having troubles trying to find the words he wanted to say. “when i hugged him earlier, i felt something i shouldn’t have… hyung was… he uh… there were so many bones i felt…” jeongin choked on his words as he recalled how seungmin felt as he hugged the older earlier that day. “there’s no way that hyung eats enough…”

“yeah… i wanted to say that too… i hugged him properly for the first time after all my years of knowing him and i felt his ribs through his uniform, the coat is kind of thick too…” jisung voiced out his other concerns he had about seungmin for the others to hear. they were all frowning upon the new information and felt sad for him.

“he lost the light in his eyes today…” changbin stated. “hyunjin cracked him. i want to beat the shit out of that boy but that won’t make minnie happy.”

“he slipped through our hands like water… we need to save him from completely drowning…” felix frowned at the thought of seungmin getting pulled by the currents of the water, driving further away from them.

“i agree with you lix, i feel like there’s a lot that we don’t know about seungmin despite knowing him for a long time.” minho sighed out, rubbing his face. “oh yeah. sungie, lix, seungmin got a phone, text him so he can save your numbers. he said he had something important to say later.”

“well boys, i feel like we should just wait a little and see if seungmin wants to tell us or not. we have to respect his privacy.” woojin calmly said, rubbing chan’s shoulders, the boy was too tense in this situation, taking in all the statements the boys said.

“now we all wait until seungmin tells us what he needed to later today. i think we should all stay the night to discuss things, its friday anyways, no harm, just call your parents.” chan commented, automatically calling his parents along with the rest.)

 

~~~~

**it hurts to live so wide awake.**

the party was finally over and they all bid another bye, giving big hugs to sohae and seungmin. seungmin squeaked a little with all the hugs but played it off naturally, waving at them as they entered the car and drove off to their houses. he closed the door and his mother pushed him in the direction of the stairs. “sweetie, go pack your things. i’ll come help sort things out after i talk with your father.”

seungmin quickly ran to his room and closed the door, locking it just in case. if anything he’ll unlock it when his mother comes to help him. noticing he didn’t have a suitcase in his room, he just waited for his mother patiently so he wouldn’t mess anything up. he walked to his restroom to brush his teeth and change into his pajamas. yells were finally heard behind his closed doors and he shut his eyes, embracing himself for what was going to be said.

“why didn’t you fucking tell me about this? i am your husband aren’t i?”

“yes, you are but you haven’t been acting like my husband and nor have i been acting as your wife. i think we just need a little time apart from another.”

“then why not leave seungmin here? it’ll be messy taking him with you!”

“and have him be beaten by you? not a chance! i have not been fulfilling my role as his mother too and now i want to redeem myself. i already talked to his school, there’s no going back now.”

“you’re insufferable.”

“ _i_ _’m_ insufferable? have you lived with yourself? you drink alcohol everyday, i am surprised your liver hasn’t given up on you!”

“i’d be glad to die, you’re a shitty wife!”

“you’re… you’re one to speak. have fun cleaning after yourself while i am gone. if you want a divorce by then then i’ll sign the papers.”

it lasted shorter than seungmin expected. the front door slammed shut and an engine was heard, slowly fading away. there was a knock on his door and he scrambled to open it, revealing his mother with some tears falling down her face as she carried the suitcase over to pack his things, sitting down, placing clothes inside. seungmin stopped her for a moment and brought a tissue he had gotten to wipe her eyes. she let out a small laugh and brought her son into her embrace. “i love you, sweetie. we’ll be fine— oh gosh, i must be the worse mother ever, i can feel your ribs, your writs is too thin…”

his mother broke down crying. he wrapped his arms fully around her and whispered, “it’s okay. you realized what you did wrong. that good, you are working up your way to be better. i appreciate it… i-i love you too mom, please don’t cry anymore…”

sohae cried even harder after hearing seungmin. “what have i done to deserve an angel like you?” she tightened her embrace and noticed a wince from him, automatically releasing him. ”i am so sorry sweetie! i completely forgot… seungmin-ah, is it… can i see how bad they are…?”

seungmin but his lip and hesitantly nodded, he was going to have to reveal it to his mother soon so might as well get it done with. he gently took his shirt off, putting his skinny and bruised body into full examination. sohae covered her mouth as she saw what her husband did to her son, her only child, her baby. sobs escaped pass her lips, “i am so so so so sorry sweetie… you’ll heal… i pray your father has reflection, i want to still be a family but he has to comply. are you okay with that? would you be fine to possibly have your father still in the picture?”

seungminput his shirt back on and thought about it for a little, giving a small nod. “y-yes… b-but he has to be a c-changed man…”

“i agree wholeheartedly with you, i will continue to pack your things, go tell your friends, ask to meet up tomorrow if anything.”

“okay mom…”

———

tap to chat…

[seungmin created a chat with channie, woojinnie, big min, binnie, sungie, lix, and innie]

seungmin: hi guys ♡

seungmin: so what i wanted to tell you all is that… i will be leaving for three years…

lix: WHAT?!

lix: 3 YEARS?! HOLY SHIT THAT’S A LOT…

innie: you’re leaving for three years hyung?? : (

seungmin: yeah… my mother got a job promotion to la for three years and she wants to take me…

channie: my baby is being taken away from me for three years, i can’t…

woojinnie: chan, there’s calls that can be made and whatnot…

channie: i know that but i won’t be able to hug our little human squishy :/

big min: wow, um… this is big news… when do you leave little min?

binnie: yeah, when do you leave minnie? we should spend time with another-

lix: ^

sungie: ^^

innie: ^^^

seungmin: um… you see… i leave in two days…

seungmin: mom’s job calls for immediate action to work…

sungie: 2 FUCKING DAYS??

sungie:WHEN WAS SHE NOTIFIED?!

big min: another big wow… how about we spend tomorrow together?

binnie: okay, lix is crying in my lap right now so if he doesn’t reply that’s why

binnie: but yeah, let’s spend the day together. it’d be fun.

innie: i hate to be this person, hyung… but what about hyunjin-hyung?

sungie: hwang can go fuck himself.

channie: jisung! i taught you better!

sungie: sorry hyung…

woojinnie: so minnie, what about him?

seungmin: um… can you guys tell him on the day i leave? i don’t think i can face him…

seungmin: maybe when i come back and hopefully no longer have feelings for him?

binnie: this is the most direct i’ve heard minnie talk about his feelings.

big min: yeah, same here. i am proud.

innie: so what do you want to do hyung?

seungmin: hm, can we like… go on a morning picnic to see the sunrise.

seungmin: and like maybe go make friendship bracelets, get matching shirts, and do karaoke?

lix: i am, SOFT.

seungmin: lix has made a comeback, please don’t cry… : (

lix: asdfghjkl. okay, just for you minnie, just for you.

channie: i am down for that. i’ll ask my mother to pick you all up.

innie: ^

lix: ^^

sungie: ^^^

binnie: ^^^^

channie: she said she would pick you all up!

woojinnie: okay it’s settled. now go to sleep everyone, tomorrow is a busy day.

seungmin: goodnight guys~

[8 unread messages]

———

seungmin shut his phone off, signing softly. his mother looked over at him, waiting to see of he had anything to say. she had just finished packing his clothes and personal needs within his luggage. “mom… is it okay if i spend the day with my friends tomorrow?”

she smiled at him and nodded. “that was the reason why i told you to tell your friends. you won’t be going back to korea until our three years are up. the american work system is always busy. don’t worry sweetie, i talked to the others and they said they’d visit us while we’re there. our family is well off so it’s not a problem.”

“thank you, mom.” seungmin whispered and rubbed his eyes. he yawned and stretched slightly, letting a childish noise escape his lips. hearing a small _aww_ from his mother. she motioned to the bed and he climbed in. for the first time in years his mother tucked him into bed, a small drowsy smile on his lips as she kissed his forhead, _whispering goodnight sweetie, sleep tight._

**open soul in an open sky, everything, everything is right.**

right there in that moment, all of his worries disappeared. one thing was fixed and he was content. he had a lot more problems to resolve but with time, things will play out. seungmin hoped for things to go well for him in the future, where his parents love each other and him, his friends always there for him, and hyunjin… _oh hyunjin_ , maybe if he used his brain they could end up together, just maybe…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is unedited, just like everything else. let me drown in my errors, i am human. watch my inner perfectionist go bonkers once i finished the whole thing and cringe over little mistakes and the plot itself aha.  
> i hope you guys enjoy this chapter!  
> have a nice morning/afternoon/night!  
> 


	6. just a little bit of your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungmin and the boys, minus hyunjin, spend the day together before he leaves, doing the things he wanted with them. as the day goes by, there are unexpected meetings that leave some clueless until seungmin leaves the next day. heart breaks happen that day for a lot of them and they can do nothing but wait and let life carry on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song of motivation for this chapter is "just a little bit of your heart" by ariana grande!

the darkness was all they could see, the time read 5:30AM in the morning and the boys were all huddled in the car of chan’s mother, whose name was nahee. she was a kind soul, just like her son, she rented a bigger car for the day so the boys could go around and spend their last day with seungmin for a while. she felt empathetic for her son, who was genuinely sad when he called her and that was worrying as a mother - she soon understand the situation of him being sad about a close friend leaving for some time and desired to make the day go to plan like the kids wanted. she had a gentle smile tugged on her lips as she saw the groggy children trying to stay awake to spend the day with another, she saw how closely seungmin was snuggled in between jisung and felix; seungmin meant a lot to everyone of the boys over the years since all the boys had tiredly argued who would be next to him.

seungmin was tucked by the side of jisung, back facing felix - he thought within his last day with them he’ll give all of them an equivalent amount of proximity, starting with jisung because all the years he’s endured with his biased actions to the rest. it wasn’t that seungmin didn’t like jisung, it was that the chubby-cheeked boy had funny reactions that seungmin couldn’t help himself to find amusing. the younger’s arms were wrapped on his torso, resting his head on the other male’s shoulder, while the older’s head was on top of the his. it was definitely a cute site and there was really no pictures to be taken at this point of time due to the darkness, much to jisung’s dismay.

the boy let out a small sigh, puffing out his chubby cheeks, not believing they wouldn’t be seeing their dearest second youngest for three years. thinking about it made him tear up. jisung was no bitch but he felt like crying would be acceptable here if here were to let waterfalls stream from his eyes. he was positive everyone would be the same, no one reacted right away when seungmin dropped the news. _fuck_. how could they? it’s literally ripping a friendship from another because there were better reasons, better reasons for his mother to take the promotion for the next three years. jisung learned that seungmin’s family was well-off, and his mother didn’t have to take the promotion but he knew why she did: seungmin always talked about how she wanted to have the money gained by herself, she liked knowing that it was her hard work that let her be that well-off.

felix was back-hugging seungmin, being the bigger spoon to the smaller boy who was super fragile — jisung and jeongin weren’t kidding about the bones and it make him sad to know that the week-younger wasn’t in his best condition at the moment. he swore if this happened because of hyunjin he would lose his shit. not only because of the frustration he had the bastard but for the gullibility he and the others had to not notice how poorly seungmin was actually doing. he just prayed the three years away would make seungmin a more healthy person who doesn’t have to deal with so much drama. his head couldn’t fathom how the younger dealt with the fuckery that the world played on him. the brunet had to be one of the cutest things he’s met in his life in terms of people, very pure as innocence reflected in his facial feature, baby fat in his cheek even with the lack of meat in his mid section, the little mole on the side of his left cheek that added well to the small frame of his head, soft eyes that turned into the cutest fucking pair of eyesmiles, a mostly-straight nose bridge that shaped a small rounded nose that was perfectly suited for the boy’s face, and not too thin or plump lips that showed a well-structured smile.

seungmin was trying to get his mind of leaving his friends, he wanted a break from all things, to rekindle his relationship with his mother, to have new experiences, but the thought of leaving his friends saddened him greatly. he didn’t want it to show but it failed miserably.

“little min, i can hear you thinking from here thinking from here. just enjoy your time with us, don’t worry that smart head of yours.” minho mumbled from the top of jisung’s head, gazing softly at the boy who let out a small squeak for getting caught. “please just enjoy your last day with us...” a slightly sad tone left his lips, reaching out from behind jisung, slickly wrapping an arm fully around the boy to reach over and calmly hold seungmin’s hands, rubbing small circles on them to ease him.

“m’sorry hyung...” seungmin said, voice coming out slightly muffled because he was holding back his sadness, the thought of not seeing them — who all gave him a source of joy over the years when all things went wrong — again. he squeezed the older’s hands, letting out a soft giggle, distracting himself with the feeling of minho’s smaller hands he was holding to ease his worries. “i just can’t believe this is all happening so soon...”

“don’t worry minnie, none of us did,” chan cut off the younger brunet, showing that he was now fully awake and set out to make the best memories for all of them for an absence of three years they will have with another. “things just happen, nothing is your fault or anything, there was no way you control your mother’s promotion and her wanting of taking you with her.” a small smile cracked on his lips, determined to make this day one to remember, while a hand ran through jeongin’s hair, head snug in the junction of his neck and shoulder, leaning on him for comfort and warmth, and listening to their conversation in silence. chan kissed the youngest on the head, squeezing him, wanting to replace that sadness that he knew the boy was hiding about his hyung leaving for a while. quietly he spoke, trying to assure himself and the others around him. “three years will pass by like nothing, and then we’ll all be _together again_...”

“we’ll all still stay in contact minnie. it’s not like you’ll be leaving forever and completely not talk to us because we won’t let that happen, we love you way too much to let that go.” changbin’s voice made an appearance close to seungmin, specifically right behind felix. it was a little gruff since it was still early in the morning but was still very sharp and clear. “like, i doubt jisung and felix would let you go that easily. you three were the ones that started this whole group, just inform us about things that happen over the years and we’ll do the same.” he sighed gently and squeezed felix’s body a little closer to him but still leaving him close to seungmin for the warmth. “we’ll always have another. it’s going to take a lot for our bonds to be broken.”

“damn. didn’t know mr. dark over here could be such a _fucking_ sap.” jisung snorted, lowering his voice as he used profanity so nahee wouldn’t directly hear. she could probably imply the situation since the boys were all teenagers and it was common. jisung chuckled and caressed seungmin’s hair. “look what you did seungminnie. you turned the shit stack over there into a softie.”

“sungie, you’re a dead bitch when we get out of here.” changbin muttered darkly, getting aggravated with jisung but ultimately calmed down as felix rubbed the arms that were around him so he could calm down. “you’re lucky i actually love you and your obnoxious fucking ways.”

“bin, there’s no violence that is going to take place whatsoever, we got to make minnie’s last day rememberable.” woojin stated with a sharp tone, watching over the boys, his job as the oldest. “let’s please have fun and not let any arguments pass within our time with another because i don’t think chan and i would want to have to separate any arguments, even if they are jokingly.”

“alright boys! we’re here! careful getting out. chan and woojin, my dears, would you like to help me get the food and materials out?” nahee called out to the boys to halter before they went off in the dark, soon to be light. “bring the lantern with you! i want all of you to go home with no cuts, bruises, or scratches!” she laughed at her son and woojin, “man, you boys got a lot to deal with. but i am sure you love them otherwise, i mean i sure do with all of you.”

everything was set up and the boys patiently waited for the sun to rise, nahee off to the side, getting pictures here and there of the boys. there was felix sitting in changbin’s lap, cozily wrapped in the arms of the other; next to them was minho who was sitting up and jisung with his head on the other’s lap, minho was playing with little strands of jisung’s hair as they all were talking to one another, about what they should sing at karaoke and what they should do for their bracelets; chan had his head resting on woojin’s shoulder, laughing at the comments changbin directed; and jeongin and seungmin had arms around each others’ shoulders, bringing another closer so that they had more warmth, jeongin had his head slightly tilted as he heard felix make a random comment about using his deep voice and doe-like eyes to possible persuade the person at the counter of the jewelry shop and karaoke place to give them discounts.

they all watched with amazement as the sun went up, a warm orangish light shining on their faces that nahee captures perfectly, she was a photographer for a reason. she thought of gathering all the photos she had of them, along with asking all the other mothers for photos to create a scrapbook for them all, maybe for christmas sometime in the future. they still had years to grow and she wanted to make it not just of their little group together as the photos, but them separately, giving a dedicated part to what she observed throughout the years of them knowing each other.

she realized hyunjin was not there just as she noticed there were no groups of three. she couldn’t help but thing there was something wrong because she remembered they spoke nothing of the other boy’s presence missing. she would hope things to be alright because she had things in mind for specific pairing that she always noticed; hyunjin and seungmin were normally always a pair, same goes to minho and jisung, and changbin and felix, as woojin, chan, and jeongin were the trio. shaking the idea out of her head she continued to capture photos of the boys until the sun was fully out, the golden hour was officially over.

the boys waited for nahee to put away her materials safely, and distribute the packed food she had, knowing all the dislikes and likes of the boys. she had specifically tweaked the meals for each boy out of her own will, so only she knew which box was for who. the boys were beyond grateful for her, each going up to shower her with a kiss on the cheek, making a wide smile spread upon her face.

they all admired the view and finished eating. nahee looked at the time and gathered the boys’ attention to announce, “boys, clean up. it’s time to go to the jewelry store and make your bracelets!”

 

~~~~

 

the drive to the jewelry store was not a long drive, nahee had estimated the perfect spot to have the picnic and the distance to the store at midpoint so she wouldn’t have to travel so much. the boys could become restless and that was something she didn’t exactly want to deal with. but that wasn’t the case at all, all the boys were looking out the window in amazement as buildings passed by.

once she parked the car the kids were rushing to get out, dripping with excitement to have bracelets that symbolize their friendship with another, they all had a design that they thought of in unison in the car. though it would take a while to actually make the accessory, it wouldn’t be a hassle. nahee didn’t mind going to pick it up and shipping it to america for seungmin, anything for her boys.

“ah, auntie. how much would the bracelets cost? i don’t want you to spend so much money on it…” seungmin stated, trailing off on his comment as he was unsure about this decision. “we don’t have to get the bracelets if they’re too much, there’s a lot of time that can eventually lead us to getting these…” seungmin was cut short with nahee pinching his cheek lightly, causing him to look up, deep in though, causing the other boys to laugh because his expression. suddenly he perked up. “ _wait_! would rings be okay? bracelets can be covered and will be more expensive because our wrists will require a lot of metal. a simple band for the rings could work out for us! it’ll be simplistic too, just like how we wanted out bracelets! initials, date of birth, age position between nine!” ( _yes_ , they still kept hyunjin in thought because seungmin said they were nine, even after everything that has happened, making the boys go soft for the boy that was leaving soon).

“that actually sounds great, hyung.” jeongin commented, looking around to see that the boys were also agreeing. “i already got a bracelet from you at christmas so i think rings would work well so my bracelets don’t overlap, showing something we all have with another, not just you with me.” the youngest smiled brightly making all of them coo as seungmin hugged the boy gently. “let’s get those rings designed?”

they all went into the shop, following nahee in a single file line, making it look like a mother duck and her ducklings. they made their way in the shop respectfully where the workers greeted them with a warm expression, ready to help them and their wants. nahee and chan explained to the workers what they wanted, like mother like son, they were smiling and calmly stating what they wanted and the workers quickly went to work, getting all their ring sizes. they had a warranty stating that if the receipt was kept and the ring didn’t fit anymore at the time for any circumstances or was damaged, they would repair it for a $10 charge, a deal that nahee was impressed with and asked if she could get nine identical receipts as she paid.

“the rings are so pretty.” felix looked to all of them in awe as the worker sketched out the design of the ring. “it’s simple but so meaningful, it appeals to me so much.” he was tearing up, trying not to let the tears fall as he walked into chan’s open arms who was also tearing up. “wow, never thought i would cry over a fucking ring design but here i fucking am, blubbering like a baby.” his arms were wrapped tightly around chan who was gently rubbing the his back, soothing the emotional boy. felix felt small, he was happy though, happy they will all share something with another to signal their forever-lasting friendship. “thank you chan-hyung. i think i am good now.”

“i would agree with you lix, they’re literally perfect for us, for our friendship, for our bond that is going to last forever.” jisung had a fire in his eyes as he was saying this. “i will do anything in my power to keep our friendship alive when seungmin goes to america.” he glanced over at seungmin and gave a small smile, “seungmin you fluffy piece of shit, don’t you ever forget us, answer when you can while you’re there. i don’t care if it’s late at night for me, if you need someone to talk to, you bet your ass i will make myself wake up to be there, just spam me with messages, call me, anything.” he beamed widely at the younger and ruffled his hair as he nodded, quieting down, he said something only woojin, chan, minho, and changbin could hear since felix went over to seungmin and jeongin, where nahee was. “i’ll knock some fucking sense into that dumbass, hwang. he’ll realize everything soon seungminnie, he’ll know how much of a jackass he is and regret everything, begging on his knees. have no mercy please, seungmin, let him feel the pain you felt and then get together please. it’s a little tiring having a feeling you two should end up together but that’s obviously not fucking happening because hwang’s a stupid fucker.”

“dang, go off sungie. my thoughts exactly.” minho let out a chuckle as the other three nodded, changbin’s most evident while chan’s was noticeable and woojin’s there if one were to squint. “hyunjin’s in denial it seems, i think he just has sora there for a distraction but that’s only going to hurt all of them and the dumbass is going to have to suffer.” he sighed loudly and shook his head. “as much as i care for him, he fucked up, i really have no other comments but that. he ruined his chances as of now with seungmin. i want to say seungmin deserves better but i literally can’t think of anyone that fits better with him than hyunjin. thats’s bad-shit crazy, seungmin is cute and could literally go with anyone but my brain wants them to be with another.”

“that’s honestly what i though.” changbin stated with a chuckle, suddenly remembering something. “remember new years, like five years ago? i met seungmin at a groceries store as i was out with my mother and he was with jisoo, i literally thought they liked another, they were stuck to each other like fucking magnets, you can’t blame me for thinking so. she gave me the nastiest look, protecting minnie from anything.” he shook his head at the memory and smiled at the others. “i thought hyunjin and seungmin wouldn’t happen but then my mother came and then jisoo’s mother came, having a small reunion because they knew each other and introduced seungmin as jisoo’s cousin. you should have seen how relieved i fucking was, i was literally shitting bricks with hyunjin and seungmin not happening because of jisoo! she was scary!”

  
“got to admit, i think we all thought jisoo and seungmin were together when they showed up at the party.” chan said as he laughed at how changbin was afraid of jisoo. realization hit him and he whipped his head towards changbin with accusing eyes. “hold the fuck up, you _knew_ jisoo and seungmin were cousins and you didn’t bother to tell us that day, making all of us sad of a pairing we wanted not happenings?!” chan growled slightly at the younger male and shook his head, gritting his teeth, softly hitting the other. “seo changbin, you really are a fucking bastard.”

“hyung!” changbin screeches while chan whacks him. “i swear i just wanted to see where things would go, if jisoo didn’t say anything that day i would have cleared things up as to why they were so close!” he sighed in relief as chan stopped hitting him, muttering something along the lines of _you better have._

as the five were talking to another, nahee too advantage of the smaller group to ask them some questions she had that were unanswered. glancing at the three youngest messing around with another — she heard some yelling in the distance, as the finalizations of the transaction of the rings were being done so they could leave for karaoke soon — a small smile playing on her lips as she approached the younger ones.

“if you three don’t mind me asking something,” she paused as soon as she knew she had their attention, the three heads looking at her with wide eyes, not expecting her presence, “may i ask where hyunjin is?” she watched as felix’s and jeongin’s facial expressions showed hesitation while seungmin’s eyes brimmed with a hurt emotion. quickly she motioned in a panic, “you guys don’t have to answer! i am so sorry, i was just confused as to why he wasn’t here.”

the two boys were looking at seungmin for assurance if they could state anything and he nodded his head, but he spoke before any of them could say anything. it was his problem, he wasn’t going to make them explain in such conditions; he was a big boy now and needed to strap on his big boy pants so that he could get over the situation. “h-he, um… he’s not here b-because he hurt m-me.” the brunet saw how the older woman was confused, eyebrows were scrunched and lips pursed as if to ask a question but said nothing, waiting for him to finish up. “yesterday, i got slapped by a girl that likes him — apparently he likes her too, he didn’t spare a glance at us as they talked at our table at lunch that was normally just us, no one else — and she said cruel things to me but told him a totally different story.” the boy’s eyes were watering at the recalling of the events and nahee automatically caressed the boy’s cheek to calm him down, wiping away the tear that was slowly falling, smiling sadly as he tried to smile back. “he confronted me and i was sad to hear he believed her, i would never intentionally bring anyone pain or sadness. and so i told him what was on my mind, how much he hurt me with just believing her, not understanding if he actually knew me after our years of friendship.” he sighed, leaning into the woman’s touch on his cheek, and hugged her as she pulled him close for comfort.

“oh baby….” she stated, rubbing the boy’s small of his back for comfort, knowing from the way he acted that the boy liked the other in a different way compared to the way he acted, the sorrow in his eyes spoke well. “you haven’t talked to him since yet we still ordered nine rings? you’re very mature for your age.” she laughed thinking about what would have happened if she were that age. “that’s probably better than what i would have done. i was a little petty, i wouldn’t have made anything for a friend if they did such a thing. maybe it’s a thing with females? Not sure, but i have grown out of that, there would be no point for me to hold a grudge now.”

“mrs. bang, the transaction has been completed. you are able to leave now if you please, we’ll give you a call when everything is ready.”

nahee nodded at the worker and smiled at them, thanking them for their hard word and good service. she called over the boys and asked about their next destination where jisung had excitedly yelled to get matching shirts, seungmin telling her the area of where his grandparents had taken him.

 

~~~~

 

once the car parked, seungmin lead the boys and nahee to the store that he vaguely remembers from his experience five years ago. he beamed when he correctly recalled the area and motioned for the rest it was right there, in front of them. he was the first to enter, him being the only one who was there so he knew how to do things. just as he entered, a worker came up to him immediately, checking to see if he needed anything. shocked, he realized it was the same female worker from years way back. it seems as if she remembered too because she snapped her fingers loudly and gasped.

“you’re the kid from years ago, aren’t you?!” her eyes were wide as saucers, smile curling on her lips. “oh my! you grew so much! you were so small back then!” her co-worker nudged her to snap her back into her work. “ah, right. sorry, what may i help you with?”

by this time, everyone made it into the clothing shop, amazed by what was presented to them. none of them really knew anything about making the shirt and were put on blast when seungmin looked back at all of them and asked, “what color shirt would you guys want, and what design would you all like us to have on it?” he glanced back at the worker and shy stated out, “could you give us a little time to fully decided?”

“yeah! sure thing kiddo, just tell me when you’re ready! and it’s nice to hear you talk without a stutter!” she grinned at him, laughing as his cheeks turned a faint pink tint and went behind the counter to wait for his calling.

nahee made a suggestion before any of them could say anything. “would you mind calling your group of friends, ‘stray kids’ by any chance?” she quickly stated her reason before any of them could ask questions that she knew would be said. “you know, all of you guys are astray with another but that brings good riddance for you all because you guys will all be with another no matter what. you guys don’t go the normal route of anyone else, bringing flavor to the table to spice things up.” she giggled at their baffled faces, nodding at her as they get her meaning. “you guys make another stay, no one is left behind no matter what, everyone is thought of even with their absence. you guys are like a little family that sets another right, even if different paths are taken. you all are growing up, and will still continue to grow up, you’ll always be kids in the eyes of the parents. also… i may have included ‘sk’ on the design of the ring too, i have thought about it for a while andbelieved you all would like it, judging by your faces you all like it, i am glad! there’s a design i made that is quite simple and nice too, i think it would be nice on the shirt!” nahee pulled out a piece of paper from her bag that has “stray kids” written neatly on it and the boys just gaped at it, awestruck.

“mum…” chan was tearing up and went to go hug his mother. “that has had to be one of the most touching things i have heard of, like, ever. i didn’t think you paid much attention to us but you proved me wrong today. i love you. i think that would be a great design for the shirts, what do you guys think? we can put our initials and birth years on the back as well!”

a chorus of _yes_ were heard and seungmin walked up to the workers to reply with what they all wanted for the shirts, a big smile on his face as they said the shirts would be done within an hour tops. he turned back to the others and nahee went to pay for all the shirts as the boys huddled back up in a small group with another.

“i seriously love your mother, channie.” woojin voiced out, happiness evident in his tone and eyes. “seriously, your family has good taste and massive talent. she’s good with photos and design, your father’s good with architecture, you’re good with music and your siblings’ specialties are still in the process of being found.”

chan flushed red, woojin not noticing went to hug him, making him turn even redder. this made the other laugh as chan went to hug woojin back. they could sense the two liked each other, it would be a matter of time until one of them confesses for sure. and before they knew it, chan had muttered something that they would have never though they would hear so soon.

“i like you hyung.”

woojin pulled away, lighting speed as chan hit his face within his hands. the rest had their mouths agaped, nahee quietly witnessing it and taking pictures of the beautiful scene that was unfolding for all of them to witness, beaming as a proud mother. she knew it would have happened eventually and boy was this a surprise. woojin pried chan’s hands away from his face and gave him a wide smile in assurance, quietly saying, “i like you too, and i would like to skip the courting and just straight up ask you if you want to be my boyfriend, since we just confessed to another.” he looked around and saw everyone beaming at the two — nahee nodding in approve at woojin — and then looked back at chan, stating in a soft tone. “what do you say channie?”

“yes.” chan’s reply came out small but firm, smiling at the taller in front of him and kissing his cheek with happiness. he could hear the rest yelling at their newly started relationship and shied away from their hollering.

“my baby got his first, and hopefully only boyfriend…” nahee wiped her tears that were coming down slowly, out of happiness. “ahh, you’re growing up too fast… hold up, let me update your father on this.” and with that nahee quickly pulls out her phone to dial her husband, squealing over the phone sightly.

“muuuummm.” chan whined out as his mother slightly embarrassed him. he grumbles out, “i am 17 now, and oh gosh guys, sorry about that…”

“no need to be sorry fro your mother channie-hyung, it’s a normal thing for mothers to do.” jeongin said with a big smile on his face as his two oldest hyungs were now together. he snickers as he looks over to minho, knowing all the juicy details. “minho’s mom does it a lot with him, its very amusing but it shows that she loves minho a lot.” he lowers his volume his, in hopes to have him not hear anything he says, “come to me if you ever want to hear about them.”

jisung perks at the mention and quickly latches himself onto jeongin, begging to be told later. “innie! you have to tell me what she says about him! you just got to!”

“yah! innie, how could you!” minho pouts at the mention but then changes it to have a mischievous glint in his eyes. “you know, your mother says you’ve been mentioningthis boy a lot lately, she says his name is—“

minho could not finish speaking as jeongin quickly shoved jisung off of him and rushed to cover up minho’s mouth, a pink shading in his cheeks, full on glaring at minho and then sheepishly looking at them. “minho-hyung doesn’t know what he’s talking about…”

felix’s mouth curled into a teasing smile. ”you sure about that innie? you’re blushing a lot right now. you’ll eventually have to tell us or we’ll figure it out by our selves, maybe through minho later…” he winked at the two and smirked as jeongin fumbled on his words, looking at changbin to help him but only got an eyebrow raised in return because he too was curious.

deflated, the youngest sighed as all his hyungs’ eyes were staring at him. “fine… i’ll tell everyone when we go karaoke. deal?”

“you better keep your word inniieee~” seungmin dragged out the younger ravenette’s name with a happy smile, glad the younger found someone.

“boys! the shirts have just finished! It’s time to go karaoke and then eat dinner, considering it is 12:15PM!”

 

~~~~

 

nahee pulled up to the karaoke place and the boys were glittering with joy, wanting to hear the sweet vocals of everyone. seungmin was overjoyed to be able to sing, he hadn’t done so in a while and was ready to go crazy with everyone.

**he don't ever tell him how he really feel because he can't find the words to say what he mean, and nothing's ever easy, that's what they say.**

he suddenly halted when he saw a familiar face with another group of people, all of them saw the face and their mood was suddenly dropped.

the person then turned over and locked eyes with seungmin. blinking away tears, he jerked his head to break the contact and stared at the floor. he didn’t expect to see hyunjin there, no one did. his heart was hurting, he clutched onto felix tightly who signaled changbin to go on the other side of seungmin and shield him from hyunjin. everyone went to protect suengmin, they didn’t want the poor boys last day to be ruined by someone who he couldn’t stop himself from liking. he couldn’t get the image of hyunjin being with sora and her friends out of his head. he stopped his tears from leaking and shook his head, he shouldn’t sho emotion. he shouldn’t be affected my hyunjin, he needs to let go. a determined face set upon his soft features and smiled at the rest, they noticed this and smiled as well.

the brunet softly laced his hands with the freckled one’s hand — changbin was shaking his head, knowing smile on his face — and walked near the enteranced where hyunjin was, the others following the two right at their tail. felix caught on with the younger’s antics and chuckled lowly.

“minnie, love?” felix was going to use this time to tease the younger, and lowkey see what hyunjin’s reaction would be. so far seungmin’s face was a pretty pink shade as he looked back with a questioning tone at felix and hyunjin looked tense, looking at them, being able to overhear everything.

“yes, lix?” seungmin replied, head tilted a little. he knew they appeared to seem like a couple, a little part of him wanted to rub that in hyunjin’s face but it wouldn’t have any affect, the ravenette never liked him so what was the point.

“nothing, love, just wanted to see your cute face.” felix leaned down and kissed the younger’s nose, anyone near hyunjin would think the two had kissed, the perspective was key and he knew about it. he pulled away a from the younger who giggled softly, shying away, as he gave him a smirk, happy the younger was playing along with him. he cupped his cheeks and smiled widely, looking at seungmin and only seungmin. “you’re beautiful, love. pink really suits your cheeks.” he grinned widely, watching as the younger removed his hands from his cheeks, whining softly until felix pulled him into his embrace, hands now wrapped around the shorter’s waist, kissing his head. “just telling the truth, love. don’t deny it, you won’t win. i am going to tell you all the things you don’t believe about yourself until you believe it.”

“damn look at you. i taught you those skills so well, i am proud as fuck.” a whistle was heard and felix turned around to see the rest have all finally settled behind them. changbin smirked while holding jeongin close to him, “cute. shall we go inside and have fun?” changbin saw the two nod with smiles on their face, leading the way in. he was monitoring hyunjin as he passed by and the boy’s face showed disbelieve and dare he say it, hurt. he didn’t know whether it was because the eight of them went out at another or if it was the scene with felix and seungmin but he begged to believe it would be more of the second. the fucking dumbass needed to realize things and fix them, even if seungmin was leaving tomorrow he expected the boy to get his shit together and live up to his mistakes as the younger’s three years in america are up.

jeongin was tentative towards the older, narrow eyes scanned his tense muscles. the smile that was one that was no longer there was replaced with a small scowl. jeongin shook his head and whispered into changbin’s ear. “hyung i thing hyunjin-hyung is jealous. the bastard deserves it but damn, i wish i could take a picture so i can title it ‘the time i realized i was a dumbass’ or something.” the youngest beamed as he heard changbin’s hearty chuckle and pulled him along to gather in the room.

**he don't ever ask him where he’s been and he don't feel the need to know who he’s with, he can't even think straight but he can tell he was just with her, and he’ll still be a fool, he’s a fool for him.**

seungmin kept his facial expression happy until the reach the room. his walls dropped and he slummed into felix’s arms, dejectedly. he though he could do it but it was way too difficult. five years of liking someone can’t just disappear like that, five years is a lot to dedicate the time to live someone. he tuned all voices out and just thought; he was in a room by himself with no escape. he wanted to breathe, he wanted to be free, he wanted… _him_. a pathetic fucking loser, that’s what he was; here he was, a mess over some crush that will never like him back. a crush… the reason for its title: one is to get hurt in the end. he wondered if hyunjin would have said no to the plans the had since sora invited him out with her friends. the thought left a bitter taste in seungmin’s mouth; the sad part is that seungmin would have actually assumed hyunjin to be with her too, they matched well together, more than he and hyunjin. it would work, he just needed to get out of the picture so he doesn’t feel his heart breaking even more, he needed to go even if the male was all he wanted. he desired the strong arms to wrap around his body, he wanted the cuddles and hugs the older was good at giving, he wanted to express his love freely, he simply just wanted him.

he suddenly felt hands on his cheeks, wiping away the tears that fall ever so often now. he looked up to see nahee with a warm look on her face. she knew it was more than just a friendship, she knew the younger liked the other and her heart ached seeing that the boy had to deal with such a thing. she motioned for the rest to set up the things in the karaoke room so she could calm down the younger for a bit, she gently asked the rest to go to the other side so she could talk to the distraught boy.

“baby, you like him don’t you…” she softly ran her hands through his tangled hair that he had pulled on before he snapped out of his trance, untangling the locks that had the knots. “that’s one of the reasons why you were hurt wasn’t it…” she watched as the small boy nodded his head, letting more tears to drop out. she could tell he just needed some closer but the other boy never gave it to him due to his infatuation with a girl getting the best of him. “you’ve never spoke aloud about this with the others have you? let me ask you now then, how do you really feel?”

seungmin choked up, tears were rapidly falling as the thoughts stormed in his head, everything he’s ever wanted to say nearly rushed out of his mouth but he held back; he would only say the portion she wanted to hear. “honestly speaking auntie, i feel like shit, excuse me fro my language.” nahee waved him off, completely understanding why he would curse in this situation, it was a frustrating thing he deals with, she couldn’t blame him and she knew kids nowadays cursed way too much, as much as she wouldn’t like it that way, it was just how it was going to be. “i really care for him and if she makes him happy than i have to accept it even if i am hurt. it’s not going to be a win-win situation. i wanted nothing more than to be with him but at this point, i need to realize that’s not going to happen and i need to stop being delusional. i need to set myself free from a curse of never being loved in the way i desire.” he paused, slightly worried the last saying got her thinking because it applied for his family. though his mother was on the road to get better to him, the hurt over the years will never be erased, it will always be in his memory. “i like him, yes, but if it’s unrequited like this, i am just continuously getting hurt, that’s why i believe the three years i won’t see all of you will let me heal, despite missing your faces and presence.

“i can’t like to tell you i haven’t had thoughts of him and i happily ending up together. i can’t like to you that those thoughts keep giving me false hopes that i always believe. i can’t lie to you saying that i know for sure that these next three years will have an affect on my liking towards him, decreasing it to a minimum, being completely gone, or still really evident. i can’t lie to you and say that i will be okay.

“i used to think it was just a stupid fucking crush but look at me now, five years later. it blossomed into something i couldn’t stop. it showed me what real pain there was to feel besides something physical like a cut or bruise. i hate the way how weak i feel around him. sometimes i wished the fluttering would go away whenever i still see him. it’s killing me auntie. dare i call this love, but i want something that will make me feel alive, being suppressed upon my feelings just caused me many dilemmas. i want to find someone who will love me like i love them, i want the warmth and comfort of it. i may be young to say these things but you asked me to be honest with how i felt and this is nothing but the truth. i believe i broke myself with how much i surrounded myself by him, not being aware of the caution around him. it’s my fault i am like this and i just need to suffer the consequences. by all means, if hyunjin and sora end up together and spend the rest of their lives with each other, i will support them and hopefully have someone else by my side to share my life with.”

nahee didn’t know what to say from there, she had tears streaming out of her eyes and smiled proudly at the boy. “that was very beautiful minnie. i wish you all happiness in the world for handling this situation so maturely. makes me even wonder if you’re actually 16 or not. you’re on your way to a better life, there is always rain before sunshine and rainbows can make their appearance.” she saw the others wiping their faces, obviously listening in on their conversation even if she directed them on the other half of the room to prepare, what nosy kids. she laughed and ruffled seungmin’s hair. “you feel better now? how about we go crush some songs and sing our heads off? i bet you can’t beat me, not to gloat or anything, i am a pretty great singer.”

“you’re on auntie, may the best singer win!” seungmin laughed and pulled her to where the others were and the karaoke time they had of five hours had just begun.

they had a blast with another, seungmin forgetting all about hyunjin to enjoy the time he had left with his friends and thought nothing but how much he thanks them for being there for him no matter what. one day he will tell all, maybe when things are better so they all don’t have to worry much if he still have problems. he couldn’t stop the small smile that stretched on his face, keeping some mental pictures and taking some actual pictures with his phone to remember this day by until his three years are up in america.

 

~~~~

 

**he knows he’s not his only but at least he’s one, he heard a little love is better than none.**

the karaoke session was done and they happily walked their way to a place next door to get dinner. it was a fried chicken place, much to woojin’s delight who perked up from entering the shop, joyfully making along his way to the seats the waiter directed at them, pulling a laughing chan along with him by the hand. minho was slightly dragging jisung to sit in his chair since the boy was being a little difficult, seeing how the older would deal with him, long story short, jisung kind of got manhandled as minho picked him up bridal style and plotted him down in his chair with a wink, sending a dark red shade to the boy’s chubby cheeks. changbin gently walked towards the chair to motion for jeongin to sit in, going to the seat infant of the youngest with a gentle smile. felix was laughing, hand latched around seungmin’s waist, directing him to sit first after pulling out the chair for the younger to sit in, dramatically stating ‘my princess’ as a joke, seungmin playing along, putting his hand on his chest in a fond look of surprise, just as dramatically saying ‘my prince’ as he looked at felix and sat down with a huge grin. nahee on the other hand was shaking her head, laughter escaping her lips as the boys’ antics as they entered the restaurant. they were the definition of extra.

hyunjin was also in the restaurant, seungmin realized through the corner of his eye and chose not to mind him much, even if there was a frown placed on his plump lips. the brunet just continued to enjoy his time with the rest, joking with felix who was in front of him like nothing. the ravenette was glaring at felix and the freckled boy noticed, purposely taking his hand out to wipe some sauce from seungmin’s face, pinching his cheek gently after he wiped his hands and went to eat as well.

felix looked over to changbin to his right and minho to his left and motioned silently to hyunjin’s table and they all smirked at how the boy looked like he was blowing steam out of anger. it wasn’t their fault that this is what the situation had become of but they chose to carry on like normal, discharging hyunjin’s presence for now to enjoy their food, listening onto the stories nahee had of chan, which already had seungmin laughing cutely, looking at his hyung’s embarrassed face and his mother’s enthusiasm.

“i swear i have pictures of chan when he was younger, dressed in female clothes! he looked cute nevertheless but you guys should see it one day! especially you woojin! there's a lot i need to tell you about my son now that you two are officially together!”

“mum! i think that’s enough!”

“no! i am nowhere near done! but please eat up guys, we don’t want to food to go cold do we? i can tell more on the way home.”

“oh my fuck…”

“ _chris!_ i taught you better than to indirectly curse at me!”

seungmin laughed at the mother-son dynamic and wished that could be what is to come for he and his mother. he looked up at felix and stated he was going to go to the restroom to wash his hands as he was done eating. felix automatically stood up, done with his food too, notifying the others, and lead the way with seungmin trailing behind. the two weren’t that hungry, seungmin with his ability not to eat a lot, and felix being full with seeing everyone eat well. along the way, seungmin had some manners to wave at hyunjin as he passed by his table with a small smile, guiding his attention to felix who was a little further than before. he caught up to felix, not noticing the look of longing and sadness that could be seen through his eyes, a small smile on his face.

seungmin faintly heard sora ask who hyunjin was looking at and he replied that it just a friend that was eating there, the others were on the opposite side of hyunjin’s table, in the corner, making it hard to see from sora’s seat but very evident to hyunjin. the brunet knew that obviously irritated her since he was no longer in sight but he heart swelled, happy that hyunjin still identified him as his friend and not a stranger. although he wished for more, he’ll accept what he gets now, he _needs_ to move on.

felix was already washing his hands as seungmin entered, cocking his head toward the sink next to him so the latter could use. the week-younger nodded and proceeded along his way to the sink to thoroughly wash his hands. once he was done, the older had paper ready for him to dry his hands and then held his hand once he was done and lead them back to the table. hyunjin had hawk eyes on their laced hands when they exited and quickly directed his gaze away before sora could say anything.

something about her was beginning to be unsettling, she seemed way more demanding and harsh than she was before. hyunjin couldn’t help but think about the contrast between her and seungmin, automatically regretting his decision yesterday for accusing the boy because he could now see horns stick out of the female’s head. he shook his head and would talk to seungmin tomorrow personally, apologizing completely for his fucked up behavior toward his friend. his heart wrenched at the though of being friends and was confused as to why that was so but was snapped out of it as sora said they would be leaving. he took one last glance at seungmin’s happy face while talking to felix and smiled bitterly before fully exiting.

seungmin was very attentive, is placement was facing the door so he saw as hyunjin left, having distance between him and sora which confused the said boy but chose not to think anymore about the boy who occupied most of his attention, tuning into the conversation that was being talked about by everyone now.

“channie-hyung, when did you notice you liked woojinnie-hyung?” jeongin asked with the most innocent eyes ever, curious on how the feelings developed between the two. he looked at woojin with a small smile. “you too woojinnie-hyung! when did you realized you liked channie-hyung?” the youngest waited patiently for the answers, a little in thought himself.

“well. i noticed i liked woojin when i realized how comfortable i was with him, how much i could depend on him when i had any problems i was too scared to voice out. i love you all but sometimes it’s just hard to talk about things, but with woojin, that all fades and i can easily talk about anything. he listens to me and gives me assurance of whatever it is in a gentle way and i admired it.” chan glanced at woojin and gave him a small shy smile which woojin reciprocated, reaching over to squeeze his clean hand. “i guess i fully noticed him when i hugged him for comfort and felt things that i normally wouldn’t. my heartbeat was so fast and i was sightly nervous. i timidly asked my parents and mum simply said that i liked him with a gentle tone and accepted i liked him. that was honestly how i came out to her and dad.”

nahee nodded proudly and giggled. “it was a pleasant surprise. woojin is such a nice boy, i am happy with his choice.” her eyes looked to woojin, happily. “welcome to the rad bang family dear.”

“thank you auntie. and to answer your question, innie, i noticed i liked chan when we always spent our alone time with another, we connected a lot and i just felt something there. i pondered upon it for a long time because i realized i liked my best friend.” woojin laughed, shaking his head. “as cliche as it seems, it’s a start to our new relationship with another that i am happy with. though i am a little bummed out i didn’t get to confess first, but asking him to be my boyfriend makes up for it.” he glanced at chan with the happiest eyes they’ve always noticed woojin had when with him. there was just a glint in in his eyes that was a little different with him than with the rest.

jeongin took this into consideration and became very shy. before anyone said anything he quietly and quickly spoke. “i like someone.” this caused all the boys to gawk at the youngest and wait for him to say something else. “i know i said i would tell during karaoke but we all got carried away. i will keep my word and tell you guys now. i like someone.” his voice grew stronger and gazed at al of them who had wide smiles on their faces. “his name is yedam, bang yedam... he’s younger than i am by a year...”

“innie that’s so fucking cute!” jisung gushed, pinching the younger boy’s cheek, the advantage of being right next to him. “i totally want you two to end up together and i haven’t met the kid.”

jeongin was a little annoyed and gently snapped back at jisung, looking between him and minho, “when are you two going to confess, _huh_?” he smirked as the two went beet red, avoiding the look of another. jeongin cackled, truly living up to a small title of ‘evil maknae’ at some points

jisung coughed rather loudly and glanced at changbin and felix, ratting them out. “it’ll happen once changbin and felix confess to another!”

“wha-“

felix couldn’t even finish his thoughts when changbin boldly looked at felix and bluntly said “i like you.” felix whined and hid his face behind his hands to cover his blush. changbin gently took them away from his face and, replicating what woojin did with chan earlier that day, softly speaking. “i like you, lee felix. let me court you.” he smiled as felix shyly nodded and slyly looked at jisung and minho who had their jaw dropped. he took the squirrel-looking boy’s provoking as a consideration and took the leap.

seungmin raised his eyebrow at minho and jisung, anticipating what would happen since there was a newly-formed couple, the maknae who confessed to liking someone, changbin confessing and courting felix, and what was to come for minho and jisung was undecided. he couldn’t help but be a little sullen with his bad luck with love. all his friends have someone while the someone he wants is too far out of reach, he pouted as minho muttered something about ‘ _soon_ ’ and left it at that. he knew the older was going to do something but couldn’t help but feel sad that he wouldn’t be there when it happened, he would hear about it through the phone and he guesses that was good enough for him.

nahee had snapped a few pictures of the boys unknowingly and put down her camera, looking at the time. it was nearing 7PM and dropping off all of the kids would take roughly half an hour so she cleaned up a bit. “boys, the day is ending and we have to take minnie home. then i will drop you all off individually, that way you guys all got an equal amount of time with him. sounds fair?”

they all nodded and began to clean up while nahee paid for the meal. when they went out to the car, seungmin automatically crushed nahee in a hug. taken aback slightly, she quickly hugged back, hearing the boy mutter softly. “thank you for today auntie. you spent a lot of money today and spent the day with us when you could have done something else. i will tell my mother to repay you. don’t refuse, my mother has manners and is a stubborn woman, just take the money.” he looked up at her with a wide smile that reached his eyes, genuinely happy after everything. she kissed his forehead and nodded matching his wide smile with one of her own. the small boy released her and went into the car where everyone was, closing the door and seat belting and waiting for her to enter and drive them all home.

sohae was sitting on the front porch when seungmin arrived home. she smiled warmly as she walked up to nahee in the driver seat and pulled out an envelope filled with money, more than nahee actually spent on the kids, and laughed at the look on her face as she saw how much was in there.

“sohae! i can’t take this much!” nahee stated with wide eyes, the kids surprised with her sudden outburst, while seungmin was laughing gently at their interactions.

“take it, nahee.” sohae curled nahee’s hand to clutch the envelope. “you deserve this money and it’s not a problem for me, please take it. consider it as a thank you for making my son happy today while i finalized some things. i am sure he told you how hard-headed i can be.”

nahee sighed but then gave sohae a smile. “thank you.”

sohae shook her head and held her hands. “no, thank you for making my son’s day today. i didn’t want to strip him from his friends but i wanted his little head to experience a world that’s outside of korea for a little, also to rest from some things.”

“yeah, i understand. reasons why i had channie live in australia for a little.” she patted the younger female’s hand and smiled widely. “i’ll see you tomorrow when we all send you off?”

sohae nodded as a response and walked over to the other side where seungmin was getting out of the car, the others wishing him a good night and that they’ll see him tomorrow. she pulled him to her side gently, hyperaware if the pain killers she advised him to take had worn off. the way her son melted in her embrace with no hurt evident on his face showed he was okay as they both waved goodbye.

“alright sweetie go brush your teeth and sleep. we don’t exactly leave early tomorrow but i want you to still have some time to say goodby to everyone when they drop us off. your father still hasn’t come home... but i am hoping for the best. now let’s go inside, it’s cold. i could warm up a cup of hot chocolate befofe you brush your teeth if you want?”

“that sounds... great. would you have a cup with me mom?”

“of course sweetie. i am taking advantage of every chance to repair our relationship.”

“i am happy to hear mom... i am very happy to hear that. now let’s go have a cup of hot chocolate.”

( tap to chat.

[private chat with lix and jinnie.]

lix: oi fucker. i will just say this. minnie is leaving tomorrow for three years at 8AM at ***** airport. it should be gateway 9.

lix: better haul your ass there if you want to say anything.

lix: i known it’s late, considering it’s like 3AM, and you wake up late so please jinnie... show up.

lix: you know there’s nothing between minnie and i right?

lix: man the fuck up jinnie and grow a fucking pair.

lix: don’t let minnie slip through your fingers... )

 

~~~~

 

**just a little bit of his heart is all he wants... just a little bit is all he’s asking for...**

hyunjin woke up at 7:06AM and checked his phone, a daily routine and his eyes widened when he read felix’s messages. he slapped his head and hurriedly got ready. record breaking time for hwang hyunjin, five minutes to brush his teeth and look presentable, grabbing his wallet, before he was off, finding a cab to take him to the airport.

“fuck. fuck. _FUCK_. hwang hyunjin you’re a dumbass.” he quickly jumped in the cab that had stopped for him. “can you take me to ***** as fast as you can?!”

the cab driver nodded frantically, noticing his distress and sped their way through the cars, legally, to get to the airport. tears were brimming in hyunjin’s head. he spent the night thinking about seungmin, how he felt about the boy. he felt irritated to see him so close to people, even if they were his friends too. he was sure he didn’t exactly like sora too, he thought he did but then she said something about seungmin that he couldn’t tolerate. calling kim seungmin a waste of space was not something he would want anyone to say if they were going to be with him. he didn’t want anyone bad mouthing his friends, seungmin especially. but why was that? why did seeing him with felix bother him so much?

he ran his hand through his hair frustratedly and wondered what he would say to the boy with soft features that he could admire all day, playing with his light brown locks, cuddling with him—

shit. hwang hyunjin was whipped for the younger and he just realized. it took him five years to realize. he suddenly regretted asking the younger to forget the accidental kiss they had, he wanted nothing more than to hold the boy forever now. he hope he hadn’t fucked up so bad with choosing sora over him within the last two days. he just prayed that things would be fine.

“hey kid... we’re here.” the cab driver snapped hyunjin out of his thoughts and smiled gently at the boy. “go get your significant other kid. i wish you luck.”

“thank you...” hyunjin have an airy rely, wondering how easy it was to read him. he took out his wallet and gave the cab driver much more than needed for the ride. “keep the change, have a nice day!”

hyunjin rushed along the way, bumping into people and rushing out slanted apologies here and there, trying to make his way to gateway 9 like felix has stated.

“ _gateway 9 for departure, gateway 9 for departure._ ”

“shit.” hyunjin was all hyunjin could mutter over and over again. his vision blurred a little until it focused after tears fell, spotting a certain someone he was looking for hugging people goodbye, being tugged by his mother. gulping he mustered his louder voice and yelled.

“KIM SEUNGMIN I AM SORRY!” that voice caught seungmin’s attention, looking in the direction it came in, seeing a disheveled hyunjin catching his breath, tear stained cheek, staring back at him. he gave hyunjin a sad smile and waved since it was the only thing he could literally do, he needed to board right away. if that wasn’t the case he would have ran to the older within no time. he watched as the ravenette fell to the ground, the group rushing to him. seungmin knew hyunjin was in good hands and turned to his mother who was softly dragging him away to get on their plane. he couldn’t hear the soft mummers that hyunjin let out that no one could really understand besides how sorry he was after everything. the parents and boys looked at the boy who now looked very broken. hyunjin was going to have to wait three years to tell seungmin everything. his heart was hurting and it was his fault for being stupid.

seungmin looked sadly outside the window that was next to his seat, he was happy to see hyunjin a last time and hear his voice properly until the next three years. his palm was placed on the window gently, silently saying goodbye to korea as he seatbelt to prepare for the flight. his mother was glancing at him every now and then to make sure he was okay. softly she asked him, “how are you sweetie?”

“i’m going to miss them but i am excited to see what america can bring.” he looked back at her with a smile for reassurance that he was okay which she nodded at. he whispered lightly under his breath so his mother wouldnt hear, not wanting to go much into detail about he situation, not knowing whether or not she was okay with his sexuality since she stormed out before. “i kind of didn’t expect to see hyunjin though...”

sohae grabbed her son’s hand and squeezed them, hearing his mumble but did not question it, knowing her place in his life wasn’t fully patched up yet. “well, sweetie, everything will be alright. these three years will end like a breeze and you’ll be back before you know it!”

“i hope so mom. thank you for bringing me with you to escape dad. i hope he gets better and realizes how much a shitty person he’s been.”

“me too, sweetie. me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited like usual. sadness. the superior ships in stray kids are highkey sinking and becoming underrated.  
> hope you guys enjoy this, like always (well hopefully always...)  
> have a good morning/day/night!  
> know that you are loved by people~!  
> 


	7. empty space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little snippets of seungmin's first year in america in a nut shell. he had some new adventures with two new people he meet, not exactly making new friends because for certain reasons that hinder his capability, something more than not knowing english all to well. he can't help but feel a little homesick for majority amount of the time but the two people ease their ways into his life and make him feel at home, oh so content. meanwhile, hyunjin is a little more of a mess, wanting nothing but one person that possibly doesn't want to ever see his face again after the terrible treatment he has given them. the boys try to cheer him up, putting away any hard feelings they had but nothing would snap hyunjin out of it, he only needed one thing and that wasn't happening anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is "empty space" by james arthur!  
> * //// represents time skip in same scene.

**he doesn’t see him, he’s not in every window he look through.**

seungmin was separated from the world he once knew patently. he technically ran away from his problems with his mother, that problem being his father and his love life. the tension in his muscles could finally relax from being used as a boxer’s equipment that endured so much strength. he could finally breathe. after years of suffocation he could live the life he wanted to — no he couldn’t, there was something missing in him, he just felt a lack of presence that should be there. he was terribly homesick after escaping the hell he called home but he missed so much people.

his first month in america had just passed and he wouldn’t say it was so bad, he was living at a house that was set up for three families for his mother’s work. seungmin couldn’t complain because he met new people, two new guys that were nice upon first meeting and made him feel comfortable. he remembered shitting bricks once stepping off the plane, having a tight grip on his coat as he examined the new environment. he had texted the members of his landing, not really expecting a reply since it was 10AM in la, while it was 3 AM (the next day) in korea. he chuckled at the responses he got when they did wake up, being the dramatic little shits they were guilty of being.

he found himself still overwhelmed with the idea of him being away for the next three years, away from everyone he’s been close to loving more than anything in the world. he sat at the big window in the house, downstairs, panning through the scenery. it was more nature to be seen rather than infrastructure that could be seen, providing a scenery that pleased him; his love for nature had not died down over the years, it just intensified. he fiddled with the ring that he got shipped out after sending chan his address, a soft smile made its way on his face at the thought of the others. he really missed them, all of them, and especially _him_ ; being so far away messed with his head, he really needed a distraction.

“hey minnie~” the voice of someone he had become accustomed to within the last month called out, “would you like to do something with mark and i?” a tall male was leaning against the doorway, glasses on his slim face, who seungmin knew as jeahyung or jae, while the other male was shorter and quiet, who was earlier mentioned to be mark, appearing behind jae with an eyebrow raised, silently asking the younger about his decision. “well, we haven’t really decided what to do but, it’s not like we can’t all agree on something to do, you know?” jae sheepishly rubbed his nape while mark nodded with a small smile on his face directed towards seungmin.

the said boy let a small laugh leave his lips as he nodded slightly, not exactly being confident in the english he had been practicing with the two, agreeing to do something — because he knew a good enough amount of words to depict the statement — revealing a smile as jae’s eyes brightened up and mark glance fondly at him. he could remember the first time he met the two in front of him, it was a nice first meeting to say.

~ _flashback_ ~

seungmin and sohae made it out of the plane to go grab their luggages, a little groggily as jet lag hit them like a truck. once receiving their luggage, they got to the pick up section where many reunions were happening with a lot of people. many happy screams, squeals, and tears were seen through his eyes. he looked at them gently, wondering if it would be the same case with his friends and family. shaking his head, he got his mind out of the gutter because that was to come in three years.

however, that didn’t stop a sad emotion wash over him, thinking about the worse outcomes to possibly come to mind as he pulled out his phone to quickly text the others about his arrival, putting his phone away immediately, not wanting to get more glum with thinking about this friends. his mind was polluted with thoughts of them forgetting him eventually because communication would be complicated due to the differences in time.

sohae pulled him along, noticing his absence in mind, taking it as if he was tired from the flight. there were somethings that seungmin was still not going to showcase to her, the last five years out some trauma in his mind, the fear of her going back to her old was scared him for sure. nothing will ever be the same in his mind, she knew awfully too well about it to.

he looked up, gripping his korean book that helped with english translations, glancing more around the area after they got away from the mass of people with their reunion, seeing a sign that said their names, sohae quickly going to the families that held up the signs with a wild smile, dragging seungmin along. as she reached them, she quickly went to explain they were the people on the signs in korean, one-half of the adults replying since they were korean themselves, translating to the other adults with no problem.

two males made their way closer to seungmin, testing the waters as he looked quite shy and panicked since his mother was no longer by his side. they reached him hesitantly, stopping at a good distance was in between them, which seungmin was quite grateful for because he doesn’t like proximity of people he doesn’t know so well. one suddenly spoke up, the one with the korean background, in somewhat _okay_ korean, to introduce them both to him.

“hi there, buddy, you’re seungmin right? i am jaehyung, or jae, you can call me hyung of you really desire, or at least i believe i am one since i overheard from my mother that you’re 16? that’s like a solid eight years older than you? yeah, i believe so — i’m old — and i don’t mind much if you want to call me that. this right here,” jae stops to motion to the other guy who is standing behind him, cautiously, observing the situations, curious if jae is saying anything bad about him or not, “that’s mark. he’s not really korean but you can still call him hyung if you itch to. he’s seven years older than you — he’ll still reply to you if you call him hyung, i don’t know to what extent but you’ll still get a response, no matter how long or short.” he paused for a second trying to find the right words to say, examining if there was any confusion to clear up but the smaller boy looked up with slightly wide eyes, following along to his statements. he’d have to admit, the boy was cute and needed a lot of protection form the corruption of american society, the toxic environment was not good for the younger to deal with, he’d have to talk to mark about it later. finally, he went back to saying something that can relive the newcomer’s worried. “we’ll help you with your english, don’t worry. you’ll be able to communicate well in no time!”

mark didn’t say much, seungmin thought it was due to the lack of knowledge of korean, making him feel bad. however, as they all made a way to their families happily chatting, he realized the older boy was one of little words. maybe it was because he wasn’t comfortable with seungmin yet, something he totally understood and did not judged for. he chose not to speak to the other two, just simply head motions because he didn’t want to be a stuttering fool as a first impression.

overall, he had a good first meeting with the people he would be staying with for the next three years. he hoped to have a good time, ignoring the small ache in his chest that had settled ever since he boarded the plan.

~ _flashback over_ ~

here the boys were, deciding on a place to eat first, taking all the time there was because they were not in a rush, it only being the morning of a saturday. an argument broke out between the two oldest and the younger watched the two, amusement laced through his eyes, saying nothing, wishing he had popcorn to watch the two bicker.

“no. jae, we are _not_ eating at chipotle! we go there too often for my liking and i really want something new!” mark puffed out an angry reply. he glared at the older who was driving the car, rolling his eyes as he stopped at a red light. “geez, do you eat anything besides this? don’t you ever get fucking sick of it because i am done with that shit. once a week is just too fucking much for me.”

“hey! in my defense, dipshit, who’s paying? who’s driving?” jae cocked an eyebrow at the male in the passenger seat, provoking him to say something else as he was heading in the familiar direction they all knew way too well. “if you don’t like it, you can walk your ass some other fucking place.”

seungmin didn’t know why but this just reminded him about jisung and felix’s dynamics with each other. he let a sad smile play on his face, mind trailing back to his friends and _him_ , mark glancing at the poor boy who had to deal with their shit in the rear-view mirror whilst seeing his gloomy facial expression, sighing, he tried to lightly compromise with jae, thinking the youngest was upset about their way of talking to another. “how about this, i just want something else for this once. please.” there was a small plea heard in his tone and he didn’t even care at this point, he just wanted something different, something not so usual because he wants seungmin’s life in america to be nicer than just having chipotle every week with a fucking chicken little lookalike. he looked at jae gently and motioned for jae to look at the rear-view mirror like he had to look at the poor boy in the back, softly he stated, “can we please just agree on this one for him? i don’t want everything he eats outside to be chipotle.”

jae sighed and then nodded. the younger male was correct about making the youngest’s life in america nice for the next three years. “alright, i’ll choose something different, how about we make a list of places to eat with the little guy? and like every once in a while get chipotle so i can be happy.” he continues driving passing by one of the most famous burger joints in the west coast, in-n-out. he pulled over into the drive-through, waiting in line, “is here a good choice? well, since i’m already in the drive-through there isn’t much you can say. i just hope that this is a good replacement today.”

“yes, bitch — i think it’s a great pick! i don’t think minnie has had this before, considering you’ve only took him to chipotle…” mark trailed off his comment and looked at the younger boy in the back who was already looking at him with a cute questioning face. he laughed and reached out to pinch the younger boy’s cheek. “hey, so we’ve agreed to have something different, want to look at the menu to see what you want or would you like our recommendations?”

the latter thought about it for a minute and thought he would take a while to decide what he wanted so it was best the older ones picked for him, knowing what is good and what isn’t, according to their taste buds. “u-umm… c-can you g-guys p-pick.?” he flushed a gently pink, shy with having to use english because he needs to work on his diction of words. he saw mark smile fondly at him and then look at jae to discuss what they would get to eat. he didn’t pay attention to their light conversations thinking of things that he didn’t really expect. he was going to be starting school soon, his mother held off of him going to school right away, wanting him to be comfortable with the environment and used to the english language before putting him into the system, she planned everything ahead go time, mapping things out because she knew the korean system was very much ahead of the american system; there really wasn’t much for her or him to worry about with school at this point of time. he was starting within two weeks and he was scared to say.

jae and mark had both finished their conversation and started to order for them, mark paying before jae could take out money saying something like ‘save your money for your chipotle’ and laughed at his offended face. he was about to tell seungmin that the food should be done in ten minutes, considering that the line wasn’t so long, but stopped himself when he saw the boy’s dazed expression as he looked outside the window to admire things like a child. he thought it was super cute and snapped a photo of the younger, giggling softly, showing it to jae — he cooed at when he saw it and told mark to send that to him so he could set it as his contact photo — because the picture turned out so well.

an idea finally popped into jae’s head after he realized how photogenic the younger boy way. “say minnie,” his voiced grabbed the attention to the said boy and his head turned to him, mark questioning him as well, “why don’t you create an instagram or something, you seem to like taking photos and enjoying your time at places, it’ll be a good platform for you to showcase yourself.” he laughed gently as the boy tilted his head in thought, mark staring at him impressed with his recommendation. “you could also post some of your memories on there for a more personal approach, you know, like… maybe post photos with mark and i when we go places or something.”

mark gapped at him, smirking right after. “you know, that has to be the smartest thing i’ve ever fucking heard from you, man. don’t pull the mun shit with me too, you have to do some research for that and literally anyone comfortable with speaking can do it if they wanted to.” he shook his head right as jae was about to speak, knowing what he was going to say. “talking isn’t my thing, no way i would have done mun.”

jae shook his head, ignoring mark’s comment, having his attention fully on seungmin. “what do you say minnie? would you like to create an instagram and present your work and post milestones of your life? you could follow your friends from korea too, if they have one! i am sure wonpil would be happy to view what you are doing with your life, rather than waiting for a call every now and then from you!”

“i-i’ll do it. and y-you know wonpil-hyung?” seungmin stared at jae with a puzzled look, not sure how the male knew his cousin. he was sure that wonpil never really mentioned a jaehyung, or jae, for that matter.

“oh? he’s never talked about me? that little shit…” jae cursed under his breath and then straightened his posture as mark got their food from the worker, thanking them softly, jae putting the car in drive so he could find somewhere nice for them to rest and eat for a little. “yeah, i visited korea in the summer for vacation, i just so happened to befriend wonpil and we still communicate towards this day. so much for fucking respect from that guy. i am the shit, how could he not mention me?” he scoffed at wonpils actions but smiled at seungmin. “sorry, but your cousin is really a dumbass.”

“n-no offense t-taken.” seungmin laughed slightly at a memory, wonder if jae knew about his infamous present. “y-you’ve seen his p-pink sweater right?” he watched as the oldest male nodded, the other male confused because he has never been to korea, knowing part of the language due to being friends with jae. “w-well, i kind of g-gave him that… t-to fit his tacky s-style.” seungmin was beginning to hate how his talking functioned, he disliked stuttering because it made him seem like he couldn’t talk properly; he disliked being this way with new people. he was slowly becoming comfortable with the two but the stutter was so evident that it made him seem like an idiot, a fucking idiot who everyone makes fun of because they can’t do something others can, almost as if he was an alien to everyone else.

“i remember the day he wore that sweater!” the oldest male cackled as the memory played in his mind, tears forming in his eyes as he settled at a place so they could eat. “oh boy, you did a good job, he looked so fucking dumb!” he let out a hearty chuckle this time and whipped out his phone to pull out a photo so mark could see, the boy was missing out for sure for not seeing wonpil in such an outfit. when he finally showed the picture, the second oldest couldn’t even say anything because the boy in the photo did look like a dumbass in his pink and grey mohair argyle sweater.

“i mean he doesn’t look that bad but then again, i don’t know who would really wear such a thing? i don’t recall me wearing anything like so but like, if i did then… damn.” mark let out a set of giggles fall out and got out of the car, carrying the drinks as jae got the food, opening the door for seungmin could get out and so they could enjoy their meal. “how about we create minnie's instagram after this and go to an attraction around here so he can get good photos?”

“s-seems like a g-good idea!” the youngest boy beamed with a soft expression, brunet locks falling into his eyes slightly as he was ready to go take photos and spend time with the two males. his mind was finally off of a certain someone and no longer homesick with wanting to have his friends and _him_ around, the ring was enough to feel them close by in presence as he had new friends now, by his side, for the time being.

 

~~~~

 

**he wants to tell all his friends but he doesn’t think they would understand, it's something he’s decided because only he could fill this empty space.**

hyunjin hadn’t been doing well within the past month, he blamed himself for all the things he could have had with someone he realized was special to him, right before he slipped through his fingers. he couldn’t get the look of pity from his own friends, family, and _his_ family out of his head. he disliked the pity they gave him. he was suffering with the want of someone he possibly can’t have now, or anytime soon. he hopes otherwise but then he remembers the facial expression of _him_ when he had confronted the other for actions that _he_ didn’t do.

hwang hyunjin was a fucking idiot who had to pay the price of everything he’s caused. the tears streaming down the _his_ face that one day made him regret everything. how hurt _he_ seemed at the time replayed in his head and he couldn’t help but let quiet sobs escape as he stayed awake, undeserving of sleep or anything good after all he’s done to _him_. the others had known he was beating himself of the situation and felt saddened, they wanted him to talk to them but he simply just pushed them away. he just want _him_ to come back, he wants to apologize fully for everything, to start anew. he fell sleep by crying, the only thing on his mind being the only person he wished to have in his arms as a change, he did at some point have _him_ , but now all that’s lost. a bittersweet feeling that is, having someone you care so much with you at some point but then gone in the next because his dumbass made the shittiest mistake ever.

he went to school the next day feeling more dead than he had been in the past month, he didn’t know how to live the next three years without _him_. jisung and felix were definitely glancing at him as he had his head down, sora had switched classes so she was nowhere to be found. he was glad of that, he didn’t have to see her fucking face as a reminder of how he lost _him_. when his head wasn’t down he was staring blankly at something. jeongin couldn’t even cheer him up, that says something — if the cutest maknae could not get him to react to anything he did then there was literally nothing that can do to snap him out of it. _oh,_ but there _was_ something — it was simple, it was just _him_.

woojin and chan sighed when they saw hyunjin’s condition. the boy’s eyes were so lifeless, like he lost the most important thing in the world — in a sense he did and he was beginning to lose his mind. changbin and felix didn’t know what to say to him either, they disliked hyunjin for what he did but they hated seeing him this way. minho and jisung were appalled to see the boy get worse and worse each day, they thought it would eventually go away, having learned his lesson with things but the situation really played a toll on him and they were beyond clueless on what to do.

“okay…” chan slowly said, not even capturing hyunjin’s attention for a second, he was just staring at the ring on his right hand, the ring they all shared with one another, while playing with his food. “hyunjin, seriously, bud, you need to get yourself together, what if _he_ comes and sees you like this? do you seriously think _he’d_ be happy with what happened to you after _his_ departure?” chan didn’t dare say seungmin’s name, he did it once before, a day after seungmin left and the outcome was the worse thing to deal with — hyunjin had started bawling and didn’t stop until he passed out of exhaustion. there were comments that revolved around how much of a dumbass he was for letting the one person that meant so much to him go right before his eyes; he blamed that he slept too much, ultimately leading him to not sleep as much nowadays; he kept on saying how he deserved such a thing for everything he’s ever done to hurt _him_ , how wrong he was at the time to let his infatuation take over or how he was trying to suppress his feelings ever since the kiss that one christmas day, not wanting to ruin their relationship — he had never came out to anyone but now it was so evident that his heart only longed for one person. it was truly heartbreaking to see one of his close friends in such a situation.

hyunjin finally flickered his eyes to look at everyone and just nonchalantly raised his eyebrow as a question. nothing came out of his mouth, he rarely talked nowadays, he really saw no purpose. why had he just realized everything as he feared _him_ leaving? he feels completely desolate and he doesn’t know what to do anymore. everyone’s telling him that he should better himself in case _he_ comes back, but they don’t get it. he’s already fucked. he’s already a lost cause; the members still speak with _him_ while _he_ didn’t even bother giving _his_ phone number to him. he hurt _him_ that much to the point where _he_ doesn’t want to talk to him anymore; the others don’t realize he knows they still talk to _him_ , he’s not as oblivious as he was thought to be. it hurt, knowing he didn’t value enough to receive the phone number, but then again, he deserved all of this.

“hyung, seriously.” jeongin stared, watching as the older ravenette blankly glanced at the empty spot that was once filled, noticing how it was conveniently right next to him. “you need to snap out of this, you’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting us…” his voice went quiet, unsure if he should state it or not but he said it anyway. “you’ll hurt _him_. don’t do this hyung, don’t do this to all of us. please, i’m begging you.” jeongin didn’t care if the desperation could be heard through his voice, he just wanted hyunjin to get back to normal, so they could go through the next three years faster, and if he couldn’t get hyunjin to realize that and do something about it than that says something, no one rejects the maknae.

the said male stood up, all of them waiting for him to leave without a single care or word like he’s done within the last month. they all tentatively watched as he used his long legs to walk away, not before hearing him actually speak. “no guarantees.” they all gawked at him and how he exited the cafeteria without a single glance to spare.

“what the actual fuck.”jisung blubbered out, purely with shock. “hwang just spoke — i kid you not, that guy hasn’t said shit in a month and wow. his voice really isn’t in good condition for surprising to use it for a long time.” all the others nodded and sighed at the scene that just unraveled, not knowing what else is to come within the next three years.

 

~~~~

 

**he doesn’t regret the day he left, he doesn’t believe that he was blessed, he’s probably lying to himself again.**

seungmin’s being delusional. he heard _his_ name everywhere. the pain that arises in his chest settles for long, his body is weak as his head’s a mess. he’s going to school for the first time tomorrow and he doesn’t know how to cope with his aching heart. he goes to state in his head that going to america with his mother was for a good cause, to get away from everything but here he stands, all alone in his room at night, looking out at the windows again, amazed by the darkness that consumes him fully. his frame is small compared to a lot of things, he hasn’t had much of an appetite lately, worrying his mother, jae, mark, and their families, respectfully.

he tries to convince himself that the possibilities of he and _him_ happening could happen in the mere future when he comes back but he can’t help but think that sora will still be in the picture, having _him_ wrapped around her finger. he shivers at the thought and prays for it not to happen. he wants closure, confirmation — anything to save him more from his elongated heartbreak.

he slapped his cheek gently, focusing on school and what to do on his first day. he really wasn’t expecting much and thought that it would be the usual for school; tedious, aggravating, horrendous, and so on. he was a little uncertain with the system though, he was so used to what korea had to present to him that he just wanted to see if america was like that in any way. while thinking of it, his eyes slowly began to get heavy until he fell asleep.

seungmin woke up with so much back pain, he groaned and cursed at himself for such a move of sleeping upright, held up against the window whilst admiring the beauty of darkness last night. he doesn’t regret his choice of admiring the darkness that reminded him of _his_ hair color, as well as how he felt: lost in a big space, nothing really there to see, there were no big lights to guide him, walking in the abyss for a long time, just simply him against the world.

“sweetie?” a soft voice was heard behind his door, knocking to respect his privacy, not opening the door, knowing where limits and boundaries stood. “i know you wake up early, so you’re awake — there’s breakfast downstairs, come and eat and then we’ll get you to school.” there was shuffling that faded, signaling his mother had left in order to go downstairs.

the boy sighed and tidied himself to look presentable and exited his room to greet his mother with a kiss on the cheek and greet jae and mark, mr and mrs park and tuan already gone off to work before. he took the piece of toast from his mother with a small ‘ _thanks_ ’ and munched on it slowly.

“jae and mark will be taking you to school and picking you up.” sohae glanced at him sadly, wanting to drop her son off on his first day, “the office called and said i needed to come in right away, i am so sorry sweetie.” she walked up to him and kissed his forehead, squeezing his shoulders a little, his bruises have recovered but there are still some scars of the cuts he had. “have a good day, sweetie.” and with that, she took off, car keys in her hand, rushing to exit the house to get to work.

the two older boys watched as a frown made its way on the younger’s lips and stared each other worried glances. jae jingled his keys to grab his attention, which made his head snap right at him within a sudden motion that looked like it hurt. “you ready to go bud? i don’t want to make you let on your first day, although i am sure they would understand why you’re late since you’re completely new to the school and the environment in general.” he smiled as seungmin walked closer to him and mark to lead the way to the car, looking very cute in his attire that signaled innocence. “it’ll give you a little time to stroll around, take photos and whatnot, remember the instagram. have you contacted your friends about it yet in korea? you should soon, or do it when we get in the car, they’ll see the message eventually!”

seungmin nodded and took a look at mark as jae started walking off happily. out of nervousness, he held mark’s hand as they walked out to the driveway where the car was, mark squeezed his hand as a little assurance and smiled softly as he ushered the younger to the back seat. he pouted but obliged to the request and buckled up right away, pulling out his phone to text the others like jae had mentioned before.

———

tap to chat…

[chat with channie, woojinnie, big min, binnie, sungie, lix, and innie]

seungmin: you all might be asleep but i created an instagram!

seungmin: it’s @ km.sminminnie

channie: my baby has an instagram-

channie: i am following right away!

seungmin: shouldn’t you be asleep hyung…?

seungmin: it’s very late there…

woojinnie: he should be after i whack him in the head.

woojinnie: don’t worry minnie, he’ll be in bed soon.

woojinnie: i’ll follow you and drag him to bed, we don’t share a dorm for a reason.

seungmin: ah, okay. sleep well hyungs!

channie: thanks baby, keep us updated with things okay?

channie: woo, i am going to bed, stop hitting me!

woojinnie: good.

———

seungmin smiled softly at his phone, missing his friends, they brought some comfort, unknowingly, in him to ease him slightly about going to his new school. he quickly snapped a photo in the middle of the driver’s and passenger’s seat, catching the side profiles of jae and mark, and got a picture of himself in the backseat to post. he showed mark the photos and he nodded approvingly at the photos, seungmin having a sense of anglesto capture the scene nicely.

he quickly opened the app, creating an account just yesterday since jae kept reminding him since they got sidetracked two weeks ago, and saw that chan and woojin had already followed him. fondness spread through his body and posted the photos with a smile, ready to embrace the day at school, get situated and prepare himself for the next three years. he feared a lot, not knowing a lot of english, but enough to pass him by with a small decent conversation.

the young boy glanced out the window as jae drive, a habit he’s adopted ever since he was young, letting his curious eyes wonder about the area that he’ll soon become accustomed to. he grimaced a little upon reaching the school campus seeing people in normal clothes — there was a lot of skin exposure that seungmin took notice — something that was not seen as much in korea since they were a little more conservative and had uniforms to wear. but america has this freedom of expression that people adored, wearing clothes to showcase themselves well; something that was so foreign to him but so common for them.

“alrighty minnie, this is your stop.” mark turned back to give him a small smile, reaching out to pat his cheek softly as affection to help him feel better in the unknown for school. “text us when you have free time and whatnot, do give us little updates along the way, especially your schedule, maybe one day we can take you out of a class you don’t like so much and just have a nice day to spend with your two beloved friends.” he winked at seungmin which cause jae to laugh and nod in approval with his message. “you should go explore the campus a little, maybe your tour guide, if you get one, will be cute~”

seungmin shook his head and sought to get out the car and explore like mark said, not after waving to them as they drove off. he crinkled his nose and went to what he assumed to be the front office. there was a nice lady that took notice of his appearance and beckoned him over, sensing his shyness. she looked like she could do no harm to anyone, giving to the sweet office worker he saw as a stereotype through movies.

“hello, dear. i suppose you’re new? could i get your name so i can find your schedule?” her voice was soft and seungmin enjoyed hearing it because there was no bite in it, making it seem as if things were not going to be as bad as he thought. the woman, who went by ‘jamie lau’or ‘ms lau’ according to the plaque on the desk, waited patiently for him to answer, not rushing him with anything, gently taking into consideration how nervous he may be feeling.

he directed his gaze at his feet, looking at them like they were the most interesting thing in the world, feeling timid under the woman’s vision. “my n-name is s-seungmin k-kim.”

the female’s eyes gleam as she looks for his schedule, walking over the counter and motioning him to follow her so she can present him his locker and classes. he shifted uncomfortably behind her with the many eyes on him as she guided him through the hallways, explaining where things were. he notices her slight glares at students who look at him weirdly, thanking her mentally in his mind as the attention on him lessoned, him being able to breathe.

“if you ever need help or whatnot, don’t be she to ask me! i will gladly help you with anything you need okay?” she had just lead him back to his first class and smiled gently at the hesitant boy. “i have to warn you though, people aren’t going to be the nicest. come to me if anything goes wrong. alright dear, i have to go back to the office, just remember what i told you, okay?”

the boy gave her a nod, bowing to her due to respect, which she nodded at and ushered him into the room since the bell had just rang. she made a small ‘fighting’ face, bring up her hands as a silent cheer to him, something that made him smile gently as she fully turned to walk back to the office. he took a deep breath and entered the class, the teacher, mr. allen, noticed him right away, telling the class to quiet down so he could introduce him.

“alright class. we have a new student here today. his name is seungmin kim and he’s not anywhere from america at all but from korea. please make him feel welcomed here. that is all.” he looked around the room and noticed everyone had a partner, he frowned a little at that since seungmin wouldn’t have a partner but he felt as if things would be fine for the boy. “how about you sit in the back, seungmin? is that okay with you?”

nodding his head, he made his way to the desk mr. allen had pointed at and plotted himself down, taking out his glasses so he could see from the distance he had from the board. some kids looked at him as they were curious but then redirected their attention back to the teacher as he began to lecture them until class was over.

////

seungmin was having some troubles understanding the new system. he wasn’t so used to getting up and having to move from class to class, he was absent minded as he walked through the halls, it was lunch time and no one really made an effort to talk to him, having their own little cliques to talk in. he felt a little left out but that was to happen since he was extremely new and gave off the vibe of not knowing english much, not using his voice in case of his accent slipping out and people judging him because of it. he was totally out of it that he bumped into a person on accident. shocked he went to pick up his materials that scattered along the ground, mumbling small apologies to the other person he knocked into.

it seemed as if the person was not fond with what seungmin did and started to be infuriated by situation that just happened. it was a female and she was not having it with seungmin, whining out in a way that dragged attention along their way, something seungmin clearly didn’t want — the girl was not hurt and had nothing in her hands to drop like he did. suddenly a presence was right in front of him. he slowly looked up an gulped; a very nicely built boy was glaring at him, the girl he bumped into clinging onto his arm, complaining how seungmin had hurt her. no one dare spoke a word or moved as the boy slammed seungmin into the locker, giving a menacing scowl, hands wrapping themselves around his neck in a very tight grip to give him a warning.

“watch where you are going dipshit. don’t you fucking dare hurt my girlfriend.” the male smirked as seungmin tired to claw at his hands on his neck to give him oxygen to breath. he let go and threw seungmin to the ground, kicking his body. “consider yourself my new favorite target, newbie.” he laughed dangerously as he sent another kick to seungmin. “can’t say shit can you? poor you with your lack of knowledge in english; you’re below all of us.” the vicious male took his girlfriend gently by the hand and looked at her and then everyone that was surrounding them. “come on, babe, let’s go. everybody scram!”

with tears in his eyes, seungmin curled into a ball on the floor as everyone scattered, hugging his middle that held so much pain. he thought he would be done with being mistreated but it seems to follow him everywhere he goes. he was a misfortunate soul that could not get a break no matter how much he wanted to. he bit his lip, hearing the bell ring, leaving him in the empty halls alone. he had to get up to get to class but laid there for a few minutes to collect himself, hopefully he’ll be excused for being a new student, still learning his way around.

a minute passed and he wobbled his way to his feet, bending down with great difficulties, pain shooting around his midsection. he had to persevere through the day and make it to class, just two more hours to go and then he could seek comfort of his bed, not telling anyone how his first day turned out to be shitty; he pondered what lies he should tell as he staggered his way to his classroom by memory. as he reached the classroom and opened the door, the teacher was about to yell at him but then realized he was new and dropped his stern face and sighed, guiding seungmin to his seat. he caught a glimpse of the same male who technically beat him but a little, with a smirk on his face, his stupid girlfriend in the seat right next to him, adoringly looking up to him as his eyes stayed trained on seungmin, who quickly looked away since his eyes were scary.

he chose to ignore the lad who he felt stare at him the whole time, probably planning on how to make his life a living hell.

seungmin already loathed his school life in america but didn’t want to bother his mother with changing his school so he wanted to stay quiet about this with his mother, he just hoped some of the handprints on his neck were fading, he remembered the teacher looking at it slightly when he walked in but chose not to say anything, but still weary of it to some extent. he shook the thoughts out of his mind and tried to pay attention as best as he could for his last two classes, wanting to still do well no matter what.

“so class turn to page 352 in your textbooks…”

////

the day was finally done and seungmin rushed out of his last class, careful not to bump into anyone else. he glanced all around once he walked out of the gate and spotted mark’s car this time, jae in the passenger seat waving his hand once he saw seungmin. a small smile was brought up on his lips and hastily walked to the car, opening the door and closing it once he was in, greeting both of them. “hey guys.”

“heyo bud! how was your first day?” jae seemed very interested to see how seungmin was with school while mark drove in silence waiting to hear seungmin’s response.

“it was okay…”

“that’s a normal feeling,” mark laughed gently, making a turn so they could get back home. “i remember going to school and being like ‘get me out of this shithouse, i am suffering.’ for the whole week. that occupied my mind often, i got decent marks despite thinking such things.”

“big mood there man.” jae shook his head, recalling past memories about school. “it was a fucking prison i swear.”

(“sweetie, how did you like your first day of school?”

“it was good mom, just need a little time to adapt and whatnot.”

“i understand. thank you for coming with me, no auguring, and putting up with an unknown enviornment like so. i am sure you miss your friends.”

“yeah, i miss them but we’ll be back in three years. i’ll live.”

“hm, wonpil and jisoo should be coming to visit in a year or so. your aunt and uncle just have to arrange things ahead of time, you know how busy they are.”

“is that so? i’ll wait for their arrival within a year then. alright mom, i am tired. i’ll go to sleep first okay?”

“it’s still quite early… but okay dear, remember to close your lights and whatnot.”

“will do mom.”)

 

~~~~

 

**he doesn’t know who he is without him. he’s a liar and a cheat, he let his ego swallow him, and that's why he might never see him again.**

everyone watched hyunjin slip away through their hands. it was hard to keep up with the male who still blamed himself for everything. it’s been nearly a year and he’s back to talking again, but not regularly. the most they’ve ever heard him say had to be around 20 words periodically, every 30 minutes. he was little better if they were communicating online but still was quite distant.

the music he danced to took a sad turn but it held so much emotion. minho and felix remembered shedding a few tears, not just because of the music, but also including the way hyunjin expressed his movements, articulated with such passion that was hard to really convey for a dancer. he expressed himself well, getting good marks in their dance class, getting praises from the teacher, who he just nodded at and took a seat like nothing happened, while people gaped at him when did not react at all. it was a complete 180 when hyunjin sat down and when he was dancing. there was no expression on his face whatsoever when he was not dancing, only allowing his feelings to escape as he was dancing, losing himself within the music and his movements.

the dance teacher, mr. jung, gathered everyone’s attention by ringing a bell. he cleared his throat and looked at everyone of them to make his announcement. “okay, so, i have had something in mind for a little for your guys to do. considering that there’s an even amount of girls and boys to have pairs, i thought it would be interesting to hold a recital that consists of all of you guys to preform for the school, making all your own chreographies. it is a good way for you guys to showcase your talents to everyone, not just into this classroom. i will be calling names now to don’t interrupt me please. pay close attention so you don’t lose track and identify your partner i randomly picked for all of you. i am not changing any partners, you guys have to suck things up and work with people you probably don’t like because this is life, deal with it.”

the class all blankly stared at him and looked around to see the possible candidates they all had as a partner. minho, hyunjin, and felix were quite uninterested with wanting to see who their partners were, they would obediently follow mr. jung’s words is anything because they all admired him, he was still a young male, nearing his early thirties yet still dances very well; he’s shown some dances he’s choreographed to the class before and everyone was amazed.

“jaeyoon and hwami.

“inhyun and jaena.

“sinhyuk and bomin.

“seongho and jina.

“wonjun and surin.

“yubin and hana.

“dongyu and hyeah.

“minho and aaeran.

“felix and gayeon.

“hyunjin and sora.

“okay those are the pairs. work well with another, i know you guys can all do well, you all are fantastic dancers. of course, it’s partially because i am your teacher — no, i am kidding, you are all talented on your own. now get to work!”

hyunjin groaned. he totally forgot sora was in the class, he wished not to see her face ever again; minho and felix gave him sympathetic glances as their partners came up to them. sora was coming his way with a smug smile as well, head held high to the ones who wanted to be with hyunjin. he paid the least attention to her as she came to him, looking in places that weren’t near her because her face just made him aggravated. he shot minho and felix a small pleading look, some emotion finally appearing on the prince-like face. they were shocked because they noticed his discomfort, a frown on his face, when sora was so close to him, he moving away a little every time she got closer.

he finally had enough and scowled at her, darkly stating, “give me my own fucking personal space will you? it’s suffocating to be beside you.” he ignored her shocked face and took his opportunity to fully give a good amount of space between them. “if you think you can waltz your way in like that, you’re a shithead, just an airhead that can’t take a fucking hint.”

minho and felix were in more of a state of shock, hyunjin had spoken more than 20 words, it was very evident, and showed a lot more emotion than he normally did. his ears were slightly red, if one looked close enough they could see the steam coming out of them. they worried about the pair but then hyunjin continued onto state things, making it seem unbelievable if they were to tell the others. his irritation with sora was really getting to him if he was using that much energy to talk, far much more than he had ever put within their group conversations with another within the past months.

“i am not doing any romantic dances with you, i don’t plan on touching you whatsoever so you better comply with me or things won’t end up well. the most i can do with you is perform together, not in an intimate dance but more so of a parallel form. remember no touching. i can create the choreograph and then you can learn it.” after saying that hyunjin walked away and went up to ask mr. jung if he may go to the restroom, leaving as soon as he nodded his head in approval.

when he got to the restroom, he immediately went to a stall and locked himself in, sliding down the wall with his back to it, head in hands. he sighed and rested his head against the wall looking up at the white ceiling, it mocking him because it was so plain and bare that it was hard to distract himself. he grew irritated with having to work with sora, she was the reason why _he_ probably didn’t trust him anymore, the reason why _he_ probably hated him, the reason why he could never have _him_ in his arms now. he hates how it took one thing for him to realize how much of a dick he had been and see how much he really fucked up with _him_ , the person who meant more than anything to him now, the person who he wishes to see everyday, the person who he hopes he still has a chance with.

it’s nearly been a year and hyunjin wonders if he will ever see _him_ again — if it were actually three years until _he_ comes back so they can reunite together, even if chances of them happening are slim. he runs a hand through his hair, messing it up, and gets up so he could go back to the dance room so mr. jung is not suspicious of him for his long disappearance. hyunjin returned back to his emotionless state when he came back into the room, sora uncomfortably shifting since she noticed his change in personality when he comes near her and tells her about a song he has in mind to dance to, she automatically agreeing because she didn’t want to argue with him, especially with the way he is now.

the ravenette went to work, having his earphones plugged in so he could listen to the song and create a dance, his mind a little half in it since something — well someone — was always occupying his thoughts. he lost himself to the music, bopping his head side to side, envisioning what he could do with the beats, purposefully not doing any moves so anyone could take inspiration from him, or full on copy anything he did. he shook his head and went to sora, bluntly saying, “i figured some things out for the dance, meet me here, tomorrow, after school and we’ll start.”

////

hyunjin shakes his head as sora itches closer to him, not keeping her distance like he wanted to. she clearly could not take a fucking hint and was desperate to continue on, even if she was well aware of him not being interested in her. he was so closer to snapping at her, wanting to put her in her place, far away from him. his temper was blaring and he was about to not hold back. just as she was about to touch him, he let all go and snarled at her actions, shoving her away a little, not caring at the moment if she was female and he male because he felt with her shit for way too long in their practice time together, alone if he might add — reason to why she felt as if she could do such things to him because no one was watching them — she thought he was just acting in front of people in class and boy was she as wrong as a fuck.

“look. i will tell you this once and once only, so listen the fuck up. don’t you dare lay your filthy ass hands on me whatsoever — i am not interested in your bitch ass, okay? i don’t even like girls, i thought i did but then i dealt with your shit and got knocked in the face about how stupid i was to think i liked you or any girl that is. let’s just get this fucking dance done. i don’t want to deal with your shit anymore so quit fucking trying to do things i don’t want. you don’t want to make this harder now do you?” he full on glaring at her which made her cower, shocked with his outburst. at this point he didn’t care what she thought of him or told others how he was with her; anyone in his situation would probably do the same because no one wants to be touched by someone they don’t like, having to cope with making a choreography together is already bad as it seems. people would empathize with him and he knows it, there was just something convincing about the situation because they used to have a small flare that never fully ignited. everyone was well aware of it and would understand that he didn’t want any part of her anymore, especially since he knows for sure what he desires in life, which definitely doesn’t fucking involve her. “now can we please fucking get this done? your face disgusts me.”

sora looked like she wanted to say something but ended up not articulating whatever it was, scared of another outburst from him. hyunjin sighed, finally in peace as sora did not dare go near him and went along with the choreography he was teaching her. finally some work that was actually done so they could perform for everyone, he was at ease and that made him perform better, even if this wasn’t for anyone in particular to watch at the moment; he believed he should show full effort whenever he dances because it made him feel alive, something that filled some of the void after _he_ left.

////

it was a month after they were assigned partners for dance and hyunjin had just finished performing, weight now off his shoulders as he heard his parents, woojin, chan, changbin, jisung, and jeongin cheering for him after he bowed. he and sora were the final act of the show andeveryone came out again for a final bow. just as he was about to leave, sora softly called him over.

“hey, i know i’ve been a bitch before to you and all, but could i get a picture with you to remember our performance by?” sora looked hesitantly at him, quickly adding, “it’s okay if you don’t want to either, i totally understand you!”

hyunjin rolled his eyes slightly and called aaeran, who was the closest to them along with minho, to take a photo for them, which she happily agreed to do so, hyunjin asking if she wanted a photo of her and minho in returned as sora proceeded to send him the photo aaeran took of them, waving to them both as she had to go to her parents. aaeran happily nodded at him, handing him her phone so they could take a photo together, saying she’d send it to minho right after it was taken.

hyunjin felt a small force knock into him — jeongin. he pulled the younger boy closer and ruffled his hair with a small smile, the others slowly coming up to him, minho, and felix to congratulate and praise them for their performances, his parents getting snippets here and there to remember the night on — it was the first time in a while where they actually saw a smile on their son’s face, it was definitely worthy of many offhand photos to be taken to capture the day. everyone was happy and pictures were posted.

 

~~~~

 

school over the months turned into more of a shitplace for seungmin; he was brutally treated among everyone all because yeseop, his own personal bully, someone infamous in the school that no one dared to mess with. it technically wasn’t seungmin’s fault he was yeseop’s dummy for bullying — okay maybe it was because he bumped into his girlfriend, but she wasn’t even severely hurt, what a fucking joke. his body was littered with bruise yet again but by a different person, funny how he could not be free from being mistreated, it was like he was an attractor for such a thing.

he was scrolling through instagram, curled up on his bed to ease some of the pain after he took some painkillers, and spotted similar pictures posted by woojin, chan, minho, changbin, jisung, felix, and jeongin on his feed (they all had followed him when they woke up and read the messages, screaming over that situation as seungmin quickly went to follow them back). he liked every photo, staring at them — mainly staring at one person he longed for — smiling softly as he clicked on _his_ profile from jeongin’s post. _his_ account was not private and seungmin felt his smile drop at the first picture he saw, not bothering to click it fully. it was _him_ and sora, of course. he didn’t know why he kept the thought of them possibly being together in his mind for the future. he shook his head at how delusional he was and exited the app, flinging his phone to his side, rolling onto his back with some numbness in his body, pondering one thing that was nearly impossible to happen:

**how could he make him love him?**

it was not like seungmin stood a chance against someone _he_ happened to believe over him, even after all their years together. but then again, _he_ came to the airport last minute, almost missing him, just to say _he_ was sorry for everything. what exactly did that mean, why is he pondering about it now? it’s not like the younger could ever hate _him_ , but he felt discouraged after everything they’ve gone through just to be left in the corner, as _he_ chose _his_ pathway with someone else other than him. could there really be something left in their for them if someone else was in the way? most likely not. that is why he had to move on, get rid of these feelings that provide him nothing but pain. it’s a little cowardly but that is the only thing that comes to mind for seungmin to become better. if _he_ didn’t show any romantic interest in him then what are the actual chances of them getting together in the end if the person in between them goes away so there are no barriers?

seungmin slapped himself gently to snap out of it, telling himself that he didn’t care anymore, he just needed to stop thinking for once because that leads him elsewhere more complicated that he has to deal with and he would rather not have to have such a thing impacting him since what he wanted was most likely not meant to come about. his world was crumbling due to that but he’ll eventually pick himself up and start afresh, forgetting about the agony he went through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay in this chapter, kind of had some writer's block and had to really focus on my studies this week (highly failed a lot of things because i'm dumb, heh). your patience is really appreciated!  
> unedited like usual. i highkey feel as if my writing is terrible but you guys put your time to reading my story so i send you guys a thank you in reply because i never really expected people to read what i have. sometimes the length i write is too burdensome in my opinion because it is way too much, probably not having much to offer in content, but for those who pull through, thank you so much for making it so far with my story.  
> have a good morning/day/night!


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